I've been trying way too hard

facade.
pretense.
indifference.
sweeping things under the carpet.
acting like it's all fine.
it's not.
the level of care given.
and how easily those words were said.
so sorry I beg the differ.
got problem, act on it, not sit on it.
有问题就解决
不是有问题就逃避。
如果真的那么不在乎，就算了。
其实，说来说去，还是一样。
只会更伤人。
说来干嘛呢。
该说的真的已经说了。重复一百零一遍了。
just forget it. let it go. give it up.
that'd be so much easier, really.

since you find it so dreadful, and take it as it is, then nvm really.
it only shows how much you care honestly.
not the first time this week. that I've cried over such things. neither isit the first time, I've cried over such things.
nothing new, let it be.
living under the pretense and facade that all is fine.
sorry I can't deal with it.
the heartache and not solving it.

I need a guy who understands me, not someone who takes my feelings for granted.
always taking my words for granted, what am I truly to you?
it's saddening la really. from a colleagues perspective you could understand just like that.
but mine you just threw it away like trash.
if you can't even understand me, then there isn't a point being together.
for the sake of love? don't make me laugh.
I need to be understood. it is important. don't take it lightly, which you did.
when I'm not understood, the feeling I invested and my efforts are not understood either.
then I don't really need to put in so much efforts and try so hard.

so you do know that it has always been like this.
not a big thing.
sure.
how irresponsible.

the things I want to say. I go to your screen and take it all back.
like x1000 times.
because what good would it make.
and I can only imagine all your response.
then you know, like forget it.
no point.
saying so much, end of the day. is all the same.
nothing changes.

I really dk why I yearn to be understood. when it should be a mutually in consensus kinda thing.
我觉得女人需要做到这样，很可悲。
不被了解，还有什么意义呢?
then what do you need each other for?
comfort? don't understand how are you even going to comfort.
is really the most basic thing you need.
other than honesty trust loyalty and communication.
or maybe just need each other for sex izzit?
it always breaks me, when I think about how easy it was to be understood. instead of seeking to be.
why do you need to seek, really..
is like as easy as snap of fingers, click. bam. understood.
是你变了吗?
因为累，所以不在乎。
so you don't even try to understand.
no point me always pushing.
and asking you to try when you don't even want to try on your own.
when you think 10% is always enough.
expecting lower of yourself than what you can really give.
why not just give it all? it doesn't hurt to give it all.
or maybe your 100% is my 10%.
then I'm trying way too hard.

speechless, so am I.
tired, so am I.
done? quite.
再努力也没有用。

can you give up on someone you love deeply?
I think you can.
nothing is impossible.
you just need to take time to get used to it, the emptiness.
that you no longer have anyone to rely on.
even tho they are the one you always want to turn to at the end of the day.
这样下去不是办法。

你说的话，到底哪些可以信哪些听了就算。
因为是你，你的每一句我都放在心上。
老是回到当初，最原来的我们 然后回味着。
然后为了那最原处的我们，继续爱下去。
为什么老是要费心思 长篇大论 去试着让你了解我的感受呢。
如果感情是不断尝试，那已经断了。we tried till we can't try anymore.
this can't go on.
it shouldn't even.
it never should.

I guess...someday. someone will appreciate the suffocating love I have for them.
someday, there will be someone who will understand me like how I should be understood.
or maybe all along, it was me painting a beautiful image that never would happen.
we will never be, it will never change.
the frequency will always be wrong.
it has always been a picture I've made up for myself to carry on, it never was true.
因为也许那个人不是你 。也不是我。
maybe someday there might be someone who has the same frequency.
maybe someday there might be someone who tries even harder than I do, who gives 110% than the 100 I always give.
May be someday that someone wouldn't mind the effort im expecting.

I've never wanted to liked someone to make them feel suffocated.
I've never put in effort to make some one pressured.
I've never wanted to make me feelings known to be ignored.
I keep tryin because I want it to be better not make it worst.
I never ever wanted to try so hard and be so open about my feelings to hear it's been hard on me.
you do something, because you love someone. not all these effects.
you put in effort because you care.
you talk about it because you want comfort.
you get angry because you just want better. and you know it can be better.
but it never seems right.

since a long time ago. I stopped being happy.
you've failed, as your role too.
as your promise too.
it is my job to make you happy.
when it's hard to, you flip the tables around.
you've been terrible. did you know?
因为我说什么都没有用了。my words are of no value no weight no longer have any meaning to them.
I would just be unreasonable.
you would just say I'm expecting too much. but you forgot. these expectations came from the words you said.
so do I trust your words then?
learning how to lie, learning to avoid. learning to hide.
broken the trust we had.
is this really what we wanted? what we agreed?
no it isn't.
it is sad.
and for one thing, you never really know me.
you never did. but I lived with it. I'm not sure if I can anymore, especially that day.
actually not. its after the many times of me explaining how I really feel but this kinda opening up is never reciprocated but taken otherwise.
why need to 活到那么辛苦。

please stop taking me so lightly.
what do I have to do to let you treat my words and feelings with care and tlc.
there is always a reason behind my words and feelings.
and they have always been trampled with nothing but insults.

isit you who forgot the basics, or isit me.
why has it been getting harder and harder to get understanding from you, or isit that you simply don't bother trying to even understand.