never been this down

there isn't a need for all these tears.
There isn't a need for all these sorrows.
I learnt that day, that i could hold them in for so many hours.
and finally unleashing them, half a day later.
and the unleash was more of a relive than anything else.
there isn't a need to put up with all these, there really isn't.

last straw, nvm.
came something even better.
people whom you label as families, are meant to be protected.
not hunt for the truth, and label them as criminal, while protecting another woman.
silent cry.
I never knew I could be this disappointed.
I really never knew.
it makes my heart hurt so damn much, that even right now, even today, the thought of it still makes me cry uncontrollably.
I don't even know how to put how I feel into words anymore.
it's just so heartbreaking, you can literally feel the pain.
it hurts so much. like....what have I ever did/done?
I haven't cried for this long, not that I can rmb.
I haven't been in pain for so long.
but this time round, it really hurts so bad.
my heart is really so broken.
I can't even manage it.
it is so suffocating and I want to get out of it.
it feels so sour and so bitter.
I thought about each and everytime, each and every incident I could have avoided, I could have not gotten into some form of shit.
why did I even do it.
I feel so foolish, for all these unnecessary pain.
I had a choice.
I did.
which is why the more stupid I feel.

我不想再受委屈了。。。
真的很委屈。。
因为真的不是我。。。
却一直被默默地受伤。
I guess I could cry, for days and nights.
because there isn't any other way to get over this sadness.
waking up every single day. still feeling the ache, the pain, the break.

love conquers all.
my foot.
it just takes 1 woman.
and it blows you off the track.

there really isn't any point in me, for me, to stay.
you know why is it disappointing?
it's like, less than a year, everything is checked.
can you believe it?
at the very least...I thought maybe just half of if?
no eh...it is the entire thing.
为什么要受委屈。
我根本就不要。。
this really isn't what I even wanted.
cry cry cry cry.
and for each check, shit happens.
it is so sad, and so disappointing even as I recall now.
不需要。真的不需要。。。
很痛很痛很痛。
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
who is going to save me.
我不要这个爱。
if is too painful, and it really cost me way too much to bear.
it feels like I'll die from the pain.
I don't want to stay on. it's like..I can only imagine all the rest of shit that I will get.
it is all a lie.
a big fat lie.
so exposed, so unprotected, all the broken share thrown at you, and the one who is supposed to protect you helped to throw some at you too.
are you saying that if I stay on, I will be freed from it?
I believe the answer would be: "I can't promise because I wouldn't know what will happen in the future"
yeah. but you want me to stay on, but you can't even protect me from getting hurt.
and I have to keep getting hurt over and over and over again, over the same person.

you know what is truly disappointed?
in the recent events, I don't even say anymore.
it hurts so much, but I don't say.
I don't see a point.
if the thought to protect me was there, it wouldn't have happened.
but it did...so I really just shook my head...and held back my pain and tears.
because honestly, what can I do, what can I say? nothing I say will make sense, I'm just unreasonable.
I will be the bad one, always.
it's so sad you know.
I can't state how much am I crying right now..but I kennut..
I'm really depressed.
the person you trusted your heart to so much, actually forsake you, cleared up the air, made the other woman look good, and made you in the bad light.
because yoir accusation was false.
than to believe or take what you said.
and after verifying..he truly bought the story, didn't even think an ounce that maybe she could be lying?
it really leaves me nowhere.
not at all.
not a single bit.
then there really isn't anything for me to fight for.
truly heartbreaking.
I don't think I've ever been so sad in my entire life.
you really trust an outsider more than someone you claim you love.
your action shows otherwise.
that action verifies the fact, and it also verifies how much you trust and lean into her.

and you know..I've always thought that the least you could ever do, was to protect me and my interest. but instead, you turned around and stabbed the knife right through me.
saying that it was a chore, it was suffocating.
it was heartbreaking to even hear it.
I didn't even say a word.
it's truly heartbreaking.
then it became my fault.
I really don't know what to say.. really..
so much for let's try. and this us what I get. that the least you could do, was suffocating.
what about me then? I didn't even have a choice or say in anything. not that I ever had in the first place. she will always be the one deciding, affecting influencing you and your decisions and mentality.
she will always be the one who has the most control. never was it me.
but yet, I am the one getting the hurt.
why? because foolish was me to "try it out".
yalo try somemore lo. see if you still own a heart in the future anot.
it's been shattered so many tines, I'm amazed I can still stay alive and function with a destroyed heart.

sad to learn, heartbreaking to know.

you told me, about your ultimate dream.
it sounded promising, because you are the type who knows what yoi are doing and planning, i hung on to it.
you told me, about our plans, it soinded promising, I hung on to it.
but I learnt now, within less than a year of what you said, that they are all a lie.
empty talk.
they aren't happening.
ultimate dream is ultimately just a dream. less than a year later, these changed.
our plans, delayed even further, zero action even now after a year. after so many things that has happened. so much shit.
I hung onto all these, because it gave me hope.
but when you said otherwise, it really crushed me.
where does that leave me again?
then what on earth am I hanging on for? nothing..
after hanging on so long, all heartbreak disappointment, I got nothing from what was used to made me stay on.
instead, I got all the checks on the list.
cries.
it has been so long since my hanky got soaked.

心好痛，好委屈。。
哭死了