time of the month

我知道了。
哭是因为，失去了那单纯的美好。
那单纯的恋爱。
那单纯的我们。
现在被现实给蒙住的我们。
然后就觉得有些可惜。
为什么长大后，就不能那么单纯了呢。
为什么不可以单纯的恋爱着？
所以感到伤心。
今天发生的事 (elaborated below), only proves how true the above words were...

well i guess it's just the time of the month again, every month these kinda things happens.
when he isn't himself.
when he isn't bueller.
where the monster in him is out.
and no, voicing out any of all these, they will only lead to fights. so i don't anymore.
and while he is tired of those outbursts i have whenever im on my period, i'm tired with these monthly not himself moments too.
the times where he forgot he was suppose to speak baby language.
the times where his neat words just slash me through without him realising.

my bf said that i was sensitive today.
"lest you get sensitive..."
well for that case, you should never ever ever, esp your gf, say that she is sensitive.
it's almost as hurtful as saying a guy is egoistic?
look at how ruthless the words were?
and i repeated "lest i get sensitive??" and he had to reaffirm.
YES lest you get sensitive.
then fine.
i shall get sensitive.
it's not the first time he said that i was sensitive, not the first time he called me sensitive.
it hurts as much.
and it sucks to be labelled sensitive.
and fyi, i hate it.
i freaking hate it.
like what the hell do you mean when you call me sensitive?
then go and find a gf who isn't sensitive la?
instead of criticising the gf you chose?

was sad for today already.
somehow i feel even sadder now.
his kind reminder became like a command.
it's not "try not to say anything political okie baby?"
i will be more than pleased to bark like an obedient dog.
it's "i'm just trying to suggest but if you feel that your way is doing is better than you do what you please"
OUCH.
i wasn't even saying anything leh.
i was only listening? and was wondering why the random talk about it and wondering where it was leading to?
i only said "i will probably just ask casually" since it is so political and touchy right? if i am required to ask, or if it is appropriate to ask.
how to talk like that?
idk man.
i didn't even dare to say much after that.
like why? why can't we just speak nicely??
why?
endearing tones and all.
where have they gone to?
instead they were commanding tones.
and being unhappy cos i didn't really want to listen because it was so commanding.
really....its all about the tone.
probably very used to speaking to idiots in offices, authoritative tones in meetings and all.
and i only became one of them.
he wouldn't ever speak to me like that EVER.
because i am that baby.
so so so sad.

and while i was trying to share my eggcitement about the summit.
but probably too much. and too overwhelming.
"let's not talk about them so BORING"
whuttt????
okay cool i get it, i wanna share something with you you say it's boring.
okay cool.
the election from our neighbouring countries bore me out so much back then.
while you were rambling about their political affairs, i just listened despite how bored the topic was.
and responding every now and then, tho i didn't even follow the news at all, not knowing what happened.
but i just listened because i respect our conversations.
i respected you, and appreciated that you were sharing your thoughts with me.
okay since it bores you, since my sharing sessions are boring then no more of such things.

i justified why i was sad.
i justified the moment he asked me.
and he kept asking for more.
how do i even explain how i really feel in words when it took me 2 hours to relate how i felt in the previous post?
how am i suppose to say anything that i've held back for so long and it's not even something that i could justify in just a few words?
and it's not like i don't want to share.
i have already been the most transparent as i am.
they are all here.
feels so misunderstood.
like already sad enough, already bare my heart, but getting the blame and saying that i'm keeping things when i'm not even, other than the part where i held back those words since 2 weeks ago but they aren't really why i was sad.
and even so, as expected, he says that i will be banned from the show, than giving some form of comfort or reassurance.
and for a 3hr meeting, he barely justified.
probably an eye for an eye.
i don't say, he don't say.
okay. okay.
i see where i stand, i really do.

很不一样的你。
我不知道怎么面对。
一些小事情，可以闹的像天大的事一样。
原本温柔体贴的语气，被霸气的语气取代。
结果听的人是我，感受这些霸气的言语也是我。
真的比之前更难过了。
明知道是颗玻璃心，却还是狠狠的用了语气去把它给摔个粉碎。
说好的体贴和温柔呢？

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
哭死宝宝了。。