那一刻，我发现，我错了。。。

很多事情 不是谁说了就算
即使伤心 结果还是自己担
多少次失望表示着多少次期盼
事实证明 幸福很难
-《当冬夜渐暖》

other than having zero discipline and sleeping late, another thing I dislike about watching drama are the sad moments.
where they make you cry like shit.
like you were the one who went through whatever happened in the show.
it makes you relate to your life.
your relationship and stuff.
and for some reason you cry even harder than what was intended to be.
因为触动到了一些情绪。
and then you can't stop crying.

this current drama I'm watching has this power over me.
and tbh it's been overwhelming.
idk why.
idk izzit because I had such a dramatic high school or izzit because of all the brain washing that the lead actor resembles my bf.
then I was just thinking about why are girls so silly and so stupid.
after so many years, after all the misunderstanding, you still fall for the same guy, you still stick by him.
it almost felt like a reflection of myself, UK and every other heartbreak thereafter.
and all the insecurities.
and how the male counterpart will never ever understand.
and it just makes me extremely sad.
like even 10 years down the road, they will still never ever be able to understand.
you will get hurt over the same shit million times.
and thinking about every single word I held back and didn't say.
every single thing I've held back since 2 weeks ago but never ever found the right chance nor courage to say.
things I know will only amplify.
and wondering when will I ever say it, or will it be the day where I regret for not having said earlier.
like half year ago.
it's not major, but it's been things I've kept it in.
and just keep swallowing.
it's the kinda feeling, like because you don't want to stir shit and get the same shit and get hurt over the same thing another time, you hold it back so fiercely.
because right now anything and everything will be my fault.
and like the show, it is the ultimate example of not being understanding and thoughtful of each other's feelings even if these are shared.
let alone now.
I know my words will never hold the same weight as before.
I also know that my words will no longer be taken seriously upon.
only brushed away..
and thinking, 好好的两个人，当初的你们呢? 去了哪里，被什么给吞没了? 怎么事情变得了这样呢?

and. I realised today.
原来眼泪是忍得住的啊。
原来我到了泪汪汪的时候， 还是找得到勇气把它给吞下去了。
don't know how i did it.
but I did. and I'm amazed.
truly amazed by myself.
还有，原来我有能力把心里话藏起来。
很不是我，但是可以。
可是原来忍住的眼泪，会自己找机会让你哭个稀里哗啦，把全部强忍的委屈都哭出来了。

also, how last week terrifies me.
like the daily time together.
but how distant we were.
the goofing level so high, I thought I was wrong and have been wrong all along.
that last week, I learnt to rediscover another side that I never knew.
it scares me very much.
and it just makes me shut myself in.
so this is what it is like huh.
so this is how it will be huh.
我怕怕。
我很怕.
是不是又变了?
如果事情是这样，我不要。
会吓死宝宝。
会很委屈宝宝。
所以我不要。
因为我不喜欢。

想说的事情可多了，想问的事情也可多了。
只是可能一点意义都没有，可能也不知从何说起。
有时会厌倦这种累，有时会厌倦这样，但是不能怎样了。

xiao sad. ):
and have been, since that very day.
and after everything for the past week.
有时话说了就拿不回来了。
and the hurt will forever be there whether you intended or not.
it's something i never ever blogged down.
not even after it happened.
it was the worst thing I ever heard through all these years.
that I couldn't even believe my ears, couldn't believe that he let those words left his mouth.
it's the kind of hurt that can let you cry even now.
because I couldn't even comprehend it fully that day.
it's really the worst ever you could ever ever say to someone you love so much.
and yes to this moment it still hurts very much, that I was actually so undeserving and unworthy and put down so much.
it's the kinda hurt which makes me want to avoid the place, just like 2nd love.
the kinda hurt where even passing by the place hurts, it's been stained.
it's like you were seeing a monster all along.
and you didn't knew.
and I didn't knew.
and at the moment I blamed myself so much.
for my wrong judgement. for not knowing.
for letting myself hurt over things like that again, just like 2nd love.
and since that day on, it has always been a doubt, of where I really stand.
I doubt it myself, because I was really lowly.
and to be hearing things like that, it's just...way more shit than dog shit and all shits combined, because you never ever thought it would the person you entrusted your heart and happiness so much with to hear it from them.
that moment really made my heart shatter all over again, after years of mending since 2nd love, to hear something like that from the least unexpected person.
那句话让我想，原来这么多年，你是这样想我的呀。
原来这么多年，所受的委屈，所付出的一切，在你眼里是那么的卑微，那么的不值得，那么的配不上。
原来是这样。。
那一刻，我发现，我真的看错了。
不禁是难过，还有害怕。
因为打错特错。
it's the kind where even if you reach 100%, and you still add 1% every single day to ensure the 100% remains, with this single blow it's all 0% again.
that was how strong that blow was.
blew me all away.
让我想了，怎么遇到了这么狠的人。
好可怕。

I guess sometimes, from time to time, you just need to hear, and need to know how important you are to people who love you.
and from time to time, you just need to hear the importance from them.
otherwise as the days and years gets longer, your heart only gets colder when it is supposed to be reignited.
then sometimes it's like, as the time gets longer, you no longer fear losing.
you don't treat them that preciously anymore.
because you know that they are here to stay.
but sometimes, it's just nice to feel so cherished like you were used to before, before things became stagnant.
it's just all these, that I wondered about.
that made me sad for no reason nor rhyme.
and it's weird, like no one made me cry.
but I guess memories and deep felt wounds did.
then thinking about, don't be with someone who makes you cry more than they make you laugh or happy.
I know.
we know.
but idk.
like how I don't even know how I could cry this hard over everything.
"let's try."
but we never ever evaluate, even until now.
这半年来，我幸福嘛?
这半年来，很辛苦。
很不好过。
很疼。
很难过。
很委屈。
这半年来，感觉上，根本就不应该开始。
这半年来，都一直很想放弃。
这半年来，很像都很累了。
这半年来，我们很少说我们。
没时间好好坐下来，谈谈我们和未来。
这半年来，起起伏伏的好像比前几年的更更更多。
这半年来，好想摸清你的心底，但好像摸不清了。常常觉得，原来还不认识你。原来你。。。摸不透。
it's such a sad truth, that i cried so hard through those few sentences.
感觉上很像又是一个被黑云蒙住的时段，但是我不可能每次等你觉悟，等云朵散开。
很像其实不是谁做得不好，也不是谁做得不够，只是我们都暂停了.