SUFFOCATING

i think i need to do this tonight.

otherwise i wouldn't be able to sleep.

RCA, SM, ODHR. 

idk how these would work but i guess i can always try.

suffocating.

i hear this more than i hear i miss you. 

it's as sad as my outbursts that you don't like. 

what kind of gf would she be if her bf always feels this way?

then why would the bf feel this way?

and how come he doesn't feel this way before, but so frequently recently?

RCA- job nature?

why? reassurance, justification, detachment.
just in today: if everything need to justify it's so suffocating.
so now even justifying is hard?
i really shake my head, and smile, cos i really don't know what else to say anymore.

then why? why the difference in treatment, why all these deviation recently? just gets worst and worst, more and more downhill.
ever thought of why? why didn't any of these happened previously? why none of such things happened while in school?
why has the level went up so much?

actually you know what.

i don't want to do this.

like it just gets worst and worst.

越描越黑，越扯越远。

ultimately, i am the one who causes it. 

the one for the reaction, the one for everything.
always being told and asked and getting the blame.
but i think you need to take a minute to really think and think hard, why.
what sparked the reaction. 

never someone who is stupid enough to get hurt a million times by the same person.

never someone who is stupid enough to get hurt by the same words.

suffocating, can't breath, 很辛苦.

never someone who tries when she knows the end result will be the same.

never someone who continues the same journey knowing well the kind of response she will get and she will hear.

never someone who stays on knowing this is not what she deserves, not such words not such tones, knowing this is not what she wants. 

never someone who tries so hard trying to be understood only to be misunderstood.
why do i keep it in, why do i not say, why do i stop sharing? because i know that even if i do share even if i do say, they will only be brushed away, gets put down. morning can't share, ruins the day. at night can't share either cos morning then see, also ruin the day, "I still need to work you know", htht can't say either, too tired to understand and hear me out. when then? this is why I've been holding in even till now. it's hard to even share.
i will not be understood, i will be blamed for how i feel.

you can brainstorm for meeting, come up with constructive feedbacks, do the same for now then.
"you don't want to try anymore?"
no i don't. i'm really almost done here. enough chances, enough trying, enough of the same hurting words. they hurt so much that right now when they are out of that mouth i really just shake my head and smile and sigh but deep inside it bleeds so bad.
we should have been put to a stop 2 years ago.
i've been trying so hard trying to understand, and trying to be understood.
each time i just get hurtful words hurled at my direction.
i can't keep a love for the sake of just love. and i know that in the future these will all be the same but bigger problems. it's the kind where you break it now or it will break in the future.
it just doesn't work this way.
as much as reality is kicking in for you, this is what is kicking in for me.
tired, we both are.
tried, we both did.
now, we are just like me and her. 

we drifted.
these 6 months we drifted more than we ever did in our entire time together.
how? every single thing that deviated.

you know what.
this doesn't help.
for once blogging doesn't help a single bit.
it only gets messier.
more confusing.