the 4th post.
and the very last post to this sequel.
you realise i took away once upon a time?
because this is now.
i believe this post doesn't require anymore recapping, if you have been diligently following up you will know why all these post. but i will just leave the third love below.
and after this, i have habs and suks.
i will say why when i post about those 2.
"third love: this one comes blindly. no warning. it creeps on you silently. you don't go looking for this love..it comes to you. you can put up ANY wall you want, it will be broken down. you will find yourself caring about that person without trying. they look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily. you see beauty in their imperfections. you hide nothing from them. you want marriage and family with them. you thank the universe for them. you truly love them. "as i said previously in the last post:
the third one.
you know who you are. except that i wish very much that you aren't the third. that we were each other's first because you make everything so right and so perfect.
that i never knew i could only want and only love someone like that before i met you.
and i guess right now, we are each other's forever and that is more than enough for both of us. cos it is now and us that truly matters.
and also right now, we are each other's top of the list and that's more than enough.
anw, before you are anxious and eager to read what i have for you, i need to put you on a hold first, for now.
so please just bear with me okay? (ofc you have the choice to skip reading everything and just read the one that is yours hurhur)
because i have 2 or 3 other more to talk about before i get to you, and i can't let you share a post with them. because you are special and deserve a full post of your own, despite the fact that almost every other post here (good/bad) is about you.
so here we go my silly boy. brace yourself for the longest post ever probably.
nothing but bare truths.
i know i can go on and on about us, about you.
because there's so much about you, so much about us that i love deeply.
the third love, comes blindly, no warning.
indeed. you were there all along, it's just that we both didn't know.
it creeps on you silently and you can put up any wall it will be broken down.
you probably didn't know, but i did. i put up so many walls.
because i felt that i wasn't ready to commit, wasn't ready for relationship, after all the once upon a time lessons learnt.
i'm sorry that it's you who had to deal with all those insecurities i brought with me through my 20 over years of life.
but i'm also glad that it was you, and you handled them so well.
i know this love would be different, i just didn't dare to expect or hope for much at all.
until you proved otherwise.
they look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily.
getting lost in their eyes is too kuazhang, but yes you were nothing at all like all or any of my crushes.
you see beauty in their imperfections. you hide nothing from them.
no one is perfect, but he is perfect in my eyes despite all imperfections. i didn't even knew you could feel like that. and yes, i don't hide anything ever, truthful has always been my best policy.
you want marriage and family with them.
i never wanted marriage nor a family, but now i do. it amazes me that this was what he wanted when we were only together for a while. it amazes me how quickly he settled.
i've asked him a million times, and his answers were all so simple. and partially because of that, he makes me want to have a future with him as well, together, us.
you thank the universe for them. you truly love them.
mmhmm, absolutely.
since day 1, i've been forever grateful for him.
grateful that it was him, grateful that he came into my life.
idk where to start.
i don't have a flow nor plan like all the posts before.
i guess there are so much.
hahaha.
okay let's focus.
to be honest, my impression of you was downright bad.
i rmb all the gossips spreading in class like wildfire, about you and so many other scandals.
but like i said i didn't really care cos no my problem.
they like to talk let them talk i just listen hahha.
and about how mean you were and fussy and stuff like that.
and in my mind i've always thought, why would a person like that exist in the universe hahaha.
i also rmb vividly, when there were rumours about you and another girl.
and i always told my clique aiya rumours only don't need care la.
until i saw it with my own eyes, the closeness btw you and the other girl walking together outside the lecture hall.
i was shooook, like WHAO rumours were legit eh.
then i was like whao this guy, the further away from him the better.
like in drama they will have this dangerous male lead who gets every girl hook up on him, and there's this female lead who will always want to stay far far away from this guy but in dramas they purposely make the female lead fall for that guy?
yeah i was that female lead and you were that bad guy.
well until FYP, it brought us so close to one another.
idk how, dk how it happened, but it happened. eh but now i'm curious eh, how did we get so close ah?
like within a short time frame of 3 months this person just entered my life with a whole new friend personality. and if i didn't rmb wrongly, we were exchanging text for almost everyday?? right?
but even so, i knew i was building up walls because this flirty boy shouldn't even be friends with a nice nice girl like me.
and my walls got even thicker when i kept hearing about this person J.
in my mind i was like, omg.....he has a gf and he still flirts around like nobody's business?????
i was wtf even more disgusted, impression even more ruined.
sorry not sorry. who ask you so flirty, thinking that try to humour girls = can get girls into your good looks.
neh, me no longer so naive.
there are a few things i need to be apologetic for.
or should i even be?
here.
it took me so damn long to let you in.
well now you know why i guess.
i've let too many people in here too many times, and they end up breaking trust, they end up leaving and hurting me. and it doesn't feel good to bare your skin to people who have hurt you.
so unless i know that you plan to stay, unless we have complete mutual trust, then no i can't risk of anything like that anymore.
i'm sorry if i built up alot of walls back then, but it's simply because i was only trying to protect my own heart.
and knowing how scandalous you were and all the bad impression, it was even more necessary to have all these barricades in place.
i didn't knew how real or true everything was, and i was afraid to try. or too hurt to try, too hurt to trust. i trusted too easily.
and for you, with such an impression, my guards were game up highest level.
even as friends, i had to keep the boundaries clear, because i really couldn't afford any more mistakes and any more heart breaks.
so i was careful, with you.
i was afraid to give any part of me to you, neither did i want to commit to a friendship that was so unreal? like who would ever thought flirty male lead boy will ever want to be of acquaintance with a noobie girl like me?
i was wary of every hidden intentions, but i realise there were actually none.
maybe just one possibility, that you may actually fall for me.
as we got to know each other better, i realised alot of things about you weren't as what was rumoured or say, weren't as what everyone else was talking about.
it was all the superficial things they said and created fancy stories out of it, but that humorous part was quite legit haha.
that was when i thought, okay maybe this guy isn't that bad afterall.
BUT still keeping my boundaries.
turned out he wasn't that mysterious, it's just that he was very introvert and like to keep very private things to himself.
and he was actually quite easy to figure out afterall.
but there was one thing i never understood, was why those exchanges while i was on overseas immersion.
those exchanges were way too peculiar, i didn't really know how to feel about them even till now.
he acts as though he wanted me and cared more than what a friend should do.
am i suppose to think that that was normal?!
but since guards up, i guess that was probably part of the script, all about the humour and flirty part?
and whenever i ask him about it, he says he only fell for me after we graduated?
then that's freaking flirty.
but yeah, when i got to know you slightly better, that was when the impressions changed slightly.
when you asked me, okay no you didn't ask.
you demanded for it.
when you demanded that you want me to be your gf, i really wasn't so sure about it.
i knew you were a great friend to keep, but being together and needing to handle that flirty character and that humour of yours as a gf, i was definitely against the idea.
in fact, i wasn't even sure if i was ready to date again after the second love.
there were so many things that i was unsure of, too many insecurities.
esp when i said i never wanted to date a guy entering NS.
but like i said, i was willing to try. that maybe this one will be better and that not all guys are shit.
test waters.
if cnt just pull out.
since NS, if want to pull out also easier.
the amount of faith and trust i had in this guy that was about to be my bf, was zero.
that in the first few months that i was attached, it didn't even feel like it.
i felt very very much single.
weekend bf, rmb?
i legit acted like i was single, no commitments, nothing.
took everything with a pinch of salt.
only at the later part to realise that those were the best days of all my r/s.
i think for you, you seem to be determined and know what you wanted.
but for me, i didn't.
i didn't knew how committed i want to be, i didn't knew how ready i was to give my all and fall again, i didn't knew how we would be after being attached.
even after being attached, my mentality was just treat you as a friend as per normal otherwise things would get way too weird.
but level up friend treatment? with some special essence in that package.
i can't rmb when was it that i knew it was time to commit, or when was it that i started committing?
but i think it was when he needed me so badly while he was in camp or something, that made me felt very valued and precious.
that no one has ever treated me before.
i rmb once, where i ended work. we were together for few months now.
and he met up with K. he asked me if he could meet her.
and i was like WHAO why ask me even. want meet then meet?
then he said something about cos later i feel uncomfortable etc?
tbh, that was the most comfortable ever. because it definitely made me felt good, that my opinion actually mattered. so touched in fact.
partly because whao this guy cares so much about how i think to be asking me??
and partly because i wasn't that committed that i was still treating him like a friend.
and like things that i don't need to care i won't care.
so really depends on how you see it. is it good that i became committed to you and us? or would it have been better if i remained that uncommitted? then i know i will definitely be behaving like how your married-but-like-single colleagues would behave.
so after his meet up, i rmb very vividly. i rmb asking him if he told her that we are together.
and he said yes, and that that was the main reason why he met up with her.
i was really WHAOOOOO THIS GUY LEGIT SERIOUS SIOL.
to me, it was like giving closure to his friendship, and knowing to set up boundaries because he is attached.
like wa wa wa SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THIS GUY LEH.
and it was since this incident, that for every meet up i have since then, i had to do the same.
the same respect he had for me, the same courtesy. to ask for opinions, to ask for permissions no matter what.
and even after our first kiss, it felt so damn weird. and i was like damn jigopek this idiot.
first date then level up to base 3?
bloody idiot another ruiner of firsts.
but little did i know, it was a bestest kiss ever.
you know how weird it felt when we first held our hands?
i thought, this pair of hands so foreign. and i thought, how many girls have he touched with that pair of hands since he is so good at flirting. and i thought, it doesn't feel like a pair of hands that fits and belong to me.
but now holding his hands feels safe, feels warm, and it is really mine to keep and mine to belong with.
and now, it is a pair of hands i never want to let go given a choice.
it was you that finally felt real.
that everything was true.
that made me wonder, why weren't my first and second love like that.
but i guess now i know, after that picture that led to all these posts.
and tbh, it all came too suddenly.
like too good to be true kinda thing.
like it was a love i've been fantasizing, or say, reading all about.
we brought each other to places, that alone we will never find. (lyrics from can't fight this feeling anymore huehue).
i never knew a love like that could be real in reality.
i never knew i would be protected and prioritised this much towards anyone.
and neither did i know that i would be loved and cared for so much by anyone.
he try his might to not hurt me at all, since day 1.
just that sometimes mood swing and careless, few times intended, that he did.
and he also builds up this invisible shield of his to block out anyone who hurts or tries to hurt me.
and these people goes into his blacklisted list.
i never knew a love like that could be mine.
i never knew anyone could love anyone like that.
that even till today, there were still moments where you realize how deep or how much his love for me was. even today, he still doesn't fail to impress me with all his inner beauties.
like resparkle kinda thing.
it's just so so so amazing.
nothing i've ever felt before, nothing of any sort.
and how perfect and meant to be everything was.
and despite all the changes, all the milestones, we still work hard to stay with one another.
never met someone so gentle, so careful and so reliable before.
in a different way, as a partner.
given all the bad impressions before, who knew that this person could be someone like that.
who knew that he was someone to settle for, and likewise who knew he could settle for me and just me?
it's almost like faith in men restored? faith in love restored? that kinda feeling.
it's just that i feel that for someone like me, it's almost impossible to fall within his spectrum.
and even if i do, i was never someone within his league.
that's how i felt about us being together, which was why i really expected very little.
but for J, it seems like it was all very expectant/expected?
maybe because he knew you much and way better.
than sometimes i am jealous of the knowledge he has of you.
like i kept thinking that once you figured i was a tough nut to crack, once you figured that i'm really not someone from your league, we will be over.
but now that i know you, now that i see through you, the expectations just gets higher because you are that good, and because you are you.
like given other guys, i don't think i would have expected this much.
and it was even more amazing, knowing how he was previously, and how determined was he to actually settle down.
like no more flirty? etc etc. that change amazes me so much because it was huge.
so different from who i knew before, so so so different.
does he regret it now?
but for one thing, that change only brought in relieve and alot of stability, faith and trust in us.
can i just go back to our first kiss again.
still got feelz for this part.
idk why.
like the image keeps popping up in my mind.
the car.
the carpark.
that kiss.
like i said previously, it was nothing i've ever imagined.
it was the most uncalled for moment.
i didn't even knew how.
and why.
like what? meaning that since forever you had thoughts of kissing me?
like while we weere just friends?
izzit like those novels, those from the moment you wanted the girl to be yours you can only imagine how delicious her lips would taste like.
did you get horny when we first kissed?
that would have been very very bad.
but i think i might have did.
it's just that at that point of time, frog in the well me didn't knew what kinda feeling that was that came over me.
never felt anything like that since the time i was born.
and whao it was amazing.
never knew a kiss could spark such reactions.
and yes like every other single thing, he only made it right and even more perfect.
it was the most passionate kiss i ever had.
and i would give up all my fortune to relieve a kiss like that again.
there was something about it that tells you he wants more than a kiss, but he doesn't really show it.
there was something about it that tells you he have been waiting for it for so long, but he does it gently.
there was something within him that suppresses him very much because he knew too fast was risky.
there was something about him, the boundaries he set up for himself for not going too far.
i never ever told him, it was the best kiss i've ever had.
and i loved it so damn much.
those eyes that looked at me and it was exactly what they meant when they said eyes could sparkle.
but i was cautious back then.
i was afraid, very afraid.
because i vivdly rmb how bad my first kiss was.
and how shitty it was.
and i was more of worried than really enjoying the kiss.
i was so worried that i didn't do it right.
so i did it with care and caution.
and man...it wasn't sloppy at all.
i followed my gut feel, i did what i thought was right.
and whao, THIS IS HOW A FUCKING FIRST KISS SHOULD BE.
legit damn angry.
that son of a bitch.
GRRR.
gentle yet passionate.
feeling all the love we had.
anw, to this day, from all the bad impressions and stuff, i am grateful.
and have always been.
have been grateful for you, for coming into my life, for loving me, for giving me all of you, for giving me nothing but your best.
thank you so much.
for willing to stay, for being determined to stick with me, for everything and all other thing.
sometimes it feels like since the start of the relationship, i've been doing nothing but thanking him for all these.
but even until today, like i said, i am still very thankful.
but sometimes, despite baring all my deepest feels and all, i really wonder how he feels.
like izzit a mutual thing or izzit just me?
it's so funny, asking tonnes of questions here.
and they will leave unanswered. he reads them, but never ever answered me.
anw, i don't always say, whether verbally nor non verbally, but these are all my feels since the day i met you.
all here, all out.
things you never ever knew, things you never knew how i felt about it.
there's one thing i've asked a thousand times, and being a tummy worm now, it feels even more untrue.
the question is, when did you start liking me? because you always say it's always after we graduated?
but i honestly didn't think so.
when did i start liking you?
it a secret to be told. maybe next time when we get married then i let you know.
hehehe.
i need to break this up again.
1. cos i've been holding this for a little long, a little way overdued. so i shall publish it first.
2. it's too long i kennut. i didn't expect it to be this long. there's still another 3 long para i took out for the next post, and i'm not even done.
3. MICHIN.
4. izzit i too lorsor? but i think it only makes sense cos everyone here deserves the amount of how i feel until i feel that i'm done being truthful to my feelings.
hold up for the next post!
i promise it will be good, or at least i hope it will be a good read for you.
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