i'm sorry this post took so so so long to be up.
procastinating too much hahaha.
and also i don't want it to be a sloppy post just beacuse i want it to be up.
and you know how all these need the feelz then you can dig deep down to find how you truly feel.
can't find a better time to do it now cos its the 23rd, and also cos it is so rainy in the night.
this third love.
there were so many things he taught me.
and maybe it is mutual as it was for him.
idk.
we grew and we learnt together.
all the process, each and every stage.
it feels like we experienced all walks of life together despite being together for just half a decade.
feels damn old already.
or to be exact, i learnt a lot from him?
he taught me how to take things slow.
tho this was something 2nd love have been trying to teach me.
but i was still very me so no, no going slow.
i always like to rush things through, very impatient, very hot tempered.
but because of this love, because of my jobs and all, i've learnt to be more patient.
i've learnt that sometimes slow is better than fast, but it's still quite hard for me.
cos i'm someone who likes fast paced and effectivity, slow means inefficient and brainless for me haha.
and also, i learnt how to look into specifics because of him, but never as good as him cos i really don't care so much if it doesn't concern me or doesn't require my care.
and being careless me, and undetailed me, he always ends up having to look out for such details for me.
family. he kinda retaught me the whole new meaning of family.
i don't really know how to put this.
but like..being together or watching his family, i learnt that my family isn't perfect at all. and i have always always thought that my family was the best, everything we did was the best.
but because of him/his family, i kinda learnt that hard truth.
that my fam not equals all the best.
but nonetheless they still provide the best for me and wan the best interest for me.
we taught each other how to eat.
liking/ nurturing a tastebud never before for one another.
cheese and all the angmo food for me, ramen/udon and all the chinesey food for him.
it's just amazing.
never ever in my life would i ever thought of anything like that, that you could influence and affect one another's tastebuds.
and together, we raise our standards together.
tho i'm still very much a low end budget hawker kinda girl.
i can have cheap mainstream food and be happy, sometimes.
but ofc eating exp quality food and experiencing it with my bueller makes me happy too.
but its just that sometimes i miss those old simple fare, sakae, hawker, coco.
hahahha.
i learnt that it was okay to be late.
and sometimes i do that. i was never one to be late.
if meet 1pm, i will be there by 1255 latest kinda girl.
but now, depending on the people i meet and the situation, i will be late on purpose.
like..you know this bunch of ppl confirm late, then don't need so early kinda thing.
there are also alot of other stuff, that because of him, i went against all the rules and stuff i set up for myself and did it with him.
oh and also, last time if i was running late, or if it's getting late, i will cab.
all the time.
cos at home daddy dislike us cabbing, so i tend to do it more when i'm outside.
but now, because i learnt how to be late, i rarely cab anymore.
like late just late, save the money.
public transport also equally fast and almost same time compared to waiting time for cab etc.
so yeah, i cut down alot.
and for daddy, he dk nvm.
this one, worst than daddy.
cnt bluff cos will break trust.
so die also cnt take and cnt bluff hahha.
cooking!
he started cooking because of me.
and i feel so so so honoured.
but you know something?
i still cnt forget, original fried rice and original bolongnese.
never tasted anything like that before.
they were like the best home cooked food ever.
so different from my home made one, but idk izzit cos first time bf made for me that's why i so happy and that's why it was so nice?
but that's the reason why he started on his cooking spreee.
sometimes i feel guilty that i'm the reason for it, cos he spends quite alot on all the accessories.
but i know it is for the best taste and for me to have the best.
but sometimes it's just no need la i suibian hahhaa.
and as he learn along the way, i learnt too.
he became expert and i became expert too.
i know how, watched him cook too many times to know what he wants and needs without him saying.
we work so well in the kitchen, me passing him or preparing stuff he needs without him saying.
when he tells me he needs it, it is already prepared and he will be like "wa so smart ah". or it will be him turning around wanting to get something and i'm already holding what he wants in front of his face. and he will have this whao face all over again hehehe.
ofc, i'm tummy worm heheh.
maybe it's his hidden talent all along, idk.
it's good, but bad when it comes to buying all the stuff.
很重本 sia hahhaa.
so we inspire one another in ways like that.
and he inspires me to bake more, cook more too.
but my opportunity to cook not as much as him.
cos different la. the kitchen is his, my kitchen will never be mine.
and the ingredients also different and don't have.
i will bake so much if i was at his house.
one day try 1 recipe hahah.
dessert expert.
bake cookies and cakes.
but i won't eat. just bake hahhaa.
he taught me about dressing all over again.
he was someone who likes his girls to be in floral girly prints and wedges.
but i was never someone who likes floral cos i always feel that they make me look old.
but because of him, i started wearing floral prints and looking out for them more.
i like wedges, but i'm just more of a shorts slippers casual girl.
he likes hair up, half hair up esp. but i hated doing that cos it was the old me.
i feel very toot when i do that.
but i do try to dress the way he likes, then he will love me even more also right? cos that's the way he likes and if i dress like that he will fall for me all over again for sure.
but there's something about this dressing that i've never told him.
that i never really liked his ideal type of girly dressing that he tries to make me into, cos i am me why are you telling me how to dress. but that was never the real reason.
the real reason is because of someone: each and every single time i see K, stories, posts etc, it reminds me of the fact that my bf taught her the same thing too.
said the exact same thing.
how i know? she told me before. can't rmb why or how or when she told me, but i rmb she told me.
which was why i have this flirty concept about my bf all the time.
and which is why her dressing now is so much his ideal type and it gets on my nerves so damn much.
tho they no longer contact BUT STILL??
why the hell are you dressing what my bf like, dress what YOUR bf like la.
and she always posts: love floral.
ZZZZ then i will hate floral.
hmph.
like those legit classy lady my bf always expects and wants me to dress up.
but i was never a classy lady to begin with, i'm just a girl who do things and dresses casually, comfortably.
and i also know, if my bf sees it, it is something he will whao for even just for a sec in his brain kinda thing.
so you see, i do not do things when i know that i am not special. cos once bitten twice shy, thanks to 2nd love.
because even in such circumstances i expect me to be the only one you said things like that.
AND! she also told me before, that my bf taught her how to fold her sleeves, the way he folds it. and she was raving about it: eh it really works eh he damn genius for folding his sleeves like that really won't drop down one.
GRRRRRR.
so up till today i absolutely hate the way he folds his sleeves cos he go and teach other girl before like wth disgusting only. and i will never ever use this method since i'm not special and also i don't like it and will not like it unless he comes up with a new method and i'm the only one he teaches.
it makes him look so sloppy and untidy cos it's so thickly folded.
HMPH.
and he was also the one who taught her or say influenced her to wear checkered, basic house etc. cos she told me and i rmb. she said it together with the above and something like he likes such things. and i was like whaoooo never thought they were close to this extent.
i kennut eh. he did the same to me when we got together too.
and in my mind i was like, don't tell me he do this to every single girl he was friends with....
and that's the reason why i xiao dislike her.
another reason is also cos she had a major crush on my bf before.
sorry me inferiority complex, i kennut deal with a person liddat.
i almost died internally when we met last time.
i was dressed so lepak and she dressed so nicely.
but other that, i have no issues with her. cos it was partially of her that made me respect and found the commitment to my bf. because of that story i mentioned in part 1 of this post.
anw, my bf is mine and mine only. crush on him but can't get him right?
he is mine now, you orhbigood.
hmph.
you go far far away go away shooshooo.
and my bf sure better than yours, like duh obviously. else why would you like him in the first place dio bo?
okok i'm a meanie here but idc we are talking about my man here.
protective shield and guard all up.
MINE!!!
i asked him before, if we never got together, did he think that he would have gotten together with her, cos i know that they used to hang out all the time and stuff.
but he said no and justified that cos she very toot and not pretty.
but that made me so much more confused.
cos talking about toot and not pretty, i feel like im ten times worst no??
ya then at that point of time it made me doubt even more, why he chose me even.
was it cos going NS, no other girls but want a gf so just suibian choose me?
another question i won't ever get to know.
but every now and then, when i see her posts up, like all the stupid stuff etc, i kinda understand why he wouldn't even think of choosing her.
and i rmb asking him if he even liked her, and he said never ever, just a friend.
i was quite shook cos if its me i will be so heart broken like the closeness and all and as girls will think have chance but actually one sided.
oh welll.
okok back on track.
i've never met someone like that, who wants you to be happy.
who wants so badly to make you feel happy.
and that how you feel can actually affect how they feel.
that feeling is so amazing.
i never knew it could be like that.
someone who cares about your happiness more than theirs?
someone who isn't selfish to give, someone who isn't selfish to love, someone who wants the very best for you.
i guess when someone is the right one, is when they treat you like only your family would treat you, and maybe they just do it 10 times better?
someone who would put you first, prioritize you and everything is about you.
thank you for making me feel like that, so protected, so cherished, so precious, so dear.
thank you for re-igniting the passion in our relationship, for re-igniting the love all the time for all the simple things you do.
thank you for making me have faith in us and in you, whenever i feel that we/our future gets bleak.
thank you for letting me see, and sometimes having that little hope and determination that it is you i want to spend my future with, that it is you that i want to have kids with, that it is you that i want my surname to change.
i've never ever ever told you, but there are times, now and then where i think about how blissful it is that it's you and not anyone else.
that i have thoughts like that, that i have fantasy like this.
i have always been worried, that we are so different cos our preferences are really heaven and hell, north and south pole, and i always wonder how we even fit.
but we fit amazingly for some reason.
our thoughts flow the same way most of the time, the telepathy we have is tooo damn gamestrong sometimes even i myself cnt.
where to find anyone like that seriously?
that being said, i'm always scared. always having a bit of reservations.
always scared that how i feel may not be how he feels.
that despite this strong feelings that i'm having for him, it will only be a fraction of how he feels for me.
always afraid that we won't be on the same page.
always afraid that one day he will realize there's too much bad things for him to bear with, and he will realize it's not anything he want.
it's hard to say, cos he rarely ever tell me anything like that, or about us.
we rarely talk about us nowadays, sad right.
so i really dk.
tho i'm always dying to know.
but how to know.
and as i said, everything here will only be a monologue left unanswered.
anw last point here.
there's one thing about third love that i never ever said.
about his character that sometimes bothers me since day 1.
is that he is way too conservative.
like what J said, he calculates every single things, calculate how risky anything would be.
and wouldn't do anything that is too risky.
but you know what? sometimes that risk is something you need to take.
sometimes taking a gamble is worth the risk.
even until now.
if it is something he is unprepared for, he won't do it.
unlike me, impulsive and always willing to take a gamble hahha.
same for his work, interview thing. we just had our conversation last week.
exactly the same.
but i'm so damn glad he shared with me.
it's like every thought or feel he have about work and he shares with me, i feel so honoured and relieved.
cos he is willing to share.
sometimes we just need to try and give it a go.
you know frozen? let it go, let it go~ hahhaa.
unprepared never mind, it's not always that you have a smooth path ahead of you.
sometimes you just need to pave the path as you go, go over the obstacles.
fall down never mind, i will pick you up. and others will guide you along too.
i know everything sounds very promising at this moment.
and i wouldn't want to do anything to break it.
but till the day we vow to one another, we both still have a long way to go.
and as much as i hope for our future to come true together, sometimes maybe it may not happen that way.
fate might have something else in store for us.
but should that day comes, i wish and hope that all goes well and he will be the one ultimately.
it may be, that if anything, that one day down the road, he maybe another second love and maybe years down the road he might get a post like that hahaha.
just saying.
you know i love you very much, my man my baby my everything.
love me more okay!
mehrong.
this is alot of feelings i have for you, all transparent and showed to you.
first one i ever do anything like that.
i've never bared my skin so bare in front of anyone ever before because i hate that and i feel that i won't be able to protect myself that way.
please appreciate it okie, tho it's not something you requested for. but please take all these into care and keep it down in your heart.
like how they have been in my heart all the time for these years.
there are more, way more than these 2 posts i have for you, but too much to be all up here.
but you know that i love you very much.
muack.
still thankful it's you, i rmb i wrote this to you in one of my first few letters.
and still the same now, nothing has changed.
except that my love for you have grown over the years, despite everything that came in btw us.
love you baby.
爱你一万年。
谢谢你带给我幸福和快乐。
很爱很爱你，所以愿意， 舍得让你把我像公主一样对待。
hehehe.
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