once upon a time - sentimental attachment 3 (to all the boys who loved me before)

the 3rd post. 

the previous 2 love in my lifetime, done and period till the future if ever i see #2 again or if #1 has some epic shit that deserves to be here. 

no recapping, read it on your own. 

but as to why such a post like that, lemme just recap below.

it was because of this picture that led me to the post.

tho i should have done all these when it all happened. 

i saw this picture from fb, and it is so so so true. 

let me type it out in case the font is too small to read. 

we fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime..each one for a specific reason

"first love: this love often happens at a young age..you eventually grow apart or call it quits over silly things. when you get older you may look back and think it wasn't love. but the truth is, it was. it was love for what you knew love to be. "

"second love: the hard one. you got hurt in this one. this love teaches us lessons and makes us stronger. this love includes great pain, lies, betrayal, abuse, drama and damage. But this is the one where we grow. we realise what we love about love and what we don't love about love. now we know the difference between the good and bad humans. now we become closed, careful, cautious and considerate. we know exactly what we want and don't want. "

"third love: this one comes blindly. no warning. it creeps on you silently. you don't go looking for this love..it comes to you. you can put up ANY wall you want, it will be broken down. you will find yourself caring about that person without trying. they look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily. you see beauty in their imperfections. you hide nothing from them. you want marriage and family with them. you thank the universe for them. you truly love them. "

the third one.
you know who you are. except that i wish very much that you aren't the third. that we were each other's first because you make everything so right and so perfect.
that i never knew i could only want and only love someone like that before i met you.
and i guess right now, we are each other's forever and that is more than enough for both of us. cos it is now and us that truly matters.
and also right now, we are each other's top of the list and that's more than enough.
anw, before you are anxious and eager to read what i have for you, i need to put you on a hold first, for now.
so please just bear with me okay? (ofc you have the choice to skip reading everything and just read the one that is yours hurhur)
because i have 2 or 3 other more to talk about before i get to you, and i can't let you share a post with them. because you are special and deserve a full post of your own, despite the fact that almost every other post here (good/bad) is about you.

soo, these 2 or 3 other more, they do not belong to any category of the picture above.
these, i would say...are those forbidden ones. those that wasn't meant to be.
and at this point, despite our short exchanges in my life, i still wish that we could be friends.
and i do know that we would have been great friends if it wasn't for love that came in btw us.
and at this point, i feel that the title should be renamed, to a book i read before.
"to all the boys i've loved before".
except that its the opposite. "to all the boys who loved me before".

the first other one.
i can't rmb if you have access to here, but i don't think so because after my second love i know that here is too precious to anyhow give to anyone.
so even if you never ever get to read this, i still want to blog about it here.
but you were someone so great, and so kind, so reliable, so respectful of me. and we clicked so very well.
it has been so long since i've met anyone like that, guy especially.
to read and understand me this well tho we only known each other for a short period.
but fate has this funny way of allowing us to get closer.
and it almost feels like we were siblings in our last life.
nothing about you was anything i would have regretted.
except for one.
for making and forcing you spill the beans.
but we both do know that if that didn't happen, it wouldn't be fair to you and my future partner back then.
and for you, i have something to say, that i don't think i've ever said.
that i am sorry, and that i am apologetic.
for my actions, for my kindness, for i was selfish.
that if it should be that that led you to falling for me.
i would never ever want to give false hope to anyone, but i guess i forget that as friends there are boundaries and being overly kind and nice could lead to more than friends.
this is also something i've been very wary of and about, even in my current relationship.
it has been something i've always told my bf about, about how not be so humorous and nice to the other sex because while they do know that you are attached and while you think it is "no harm" and you are just being yourself, heart matters are hard to control and they could easily fall for you.
yes, that simple.
okay back to the topic.
you. i'm also sorry and apologetic. for being once afraid.
for pushing you away. for being worried that you were like my second love.
i'm sorry that i wasn't ready, but i guess i was just your right person but wrong timing.
and i'm truly sorry for hurting you but no regrets for that because i rather be truthful than anything else.
i loved you alot as a friend, and just a friend but nothing else.
i didn't see anything more than that and i'm really sorry if my actions made you thought otherwise.
i enjoyed your company more than anything.
and i loved our friendship.
i need to truthful about this, that i still do miss our friendship from time to time.
it's the best given friendship for me, till now. except that for now, i have my bf cum bff and i can't ask for more.
if my bf best girl friendship was with that china girl, my best boy friendship was with you.
not J. but for J he will come in the later part.
but back then, a part of selfish me wanted to keep both our friendship and also having my own relationship despite knowing how bad it would be for you.
i'm sorry for hurting you unintentionally, please forgive me.
you were so precious that i wouldn't want ever want to do that.
but i was just unwilling to let you go.
i have always blamed you for falling for me since the day our friendship broke apart, but i guess sometimes it just happens.
i have always always wondered, if my current bf didn't come into the picture, will we be together now?
but i know deep down the answer will always be a no because there were no sparks between us and sadly you are not someone i want to try to be with.
like i said, you were a very wonderful friend i thought i could have kept with me till the very end.
if i could, i would take back everything, i would not force you to spill the beans.
some times things are better left unsaid.
but i guess at that moment i just thought that as aries, a friend will always be a friend no matter what and i just thought that we would still be friends.
thankew for loving me once, thankew for sharing part of my life with me, thankew for being my once upon a time beloved friend.
goodbye my dear friend.
i wished i could be this 萧洒。
but for some reason there are still lingering thoughts here and there.
and like i said until i can fully unleash all of them i'm not stopping.
talking about spilling the beans, i should have known.
should have known that very night.
that night while you were away out of town in TW.
that night while i was battling someone else, that night my life was about to change.
lucky girl, getting real life drama unknowingly.
both kind, both compassionate, both comfortable in sharing, in going out.
i guess that's the reason why we fitted so well.
like you were the nice nice of me but guy version.
i wish i could do a closure for you as easy as all the rest.
but it's so hard.
like..idk.
like i'm sad that our friendship came to end, tho we know it's the best for both of us.
but we also do know that a huge part of us were reluctant in letting go.
but we had to. it would be unfair to my bf then if i knew about it but ignored and went ahead on close terms with you.
but then again, maybe sometimes, giving up is way easier than hanging on and trying.
we both had the maturity to decide it like that.
you were really really a great friend, the best in my life guy version, second to my bf.
we knew each other more than the time we were friends, if i knew you were to be such a great friend i would have known you earlier.
but knowing me, i just can't be bothered with things that doesn't concern me.
goodbye.
for real.
bye lost friend of mine.

the second other one.
there wasn't anything between us.
but i think there was a little at some point of time.
we didn't nurture.
but i know we took a liking for one another.
a date was all it took to void us from what we thought.
or at least for me.
I would call you my fling, or someone whom i thought would be my SO.
there really isn't anything worth mentioning, but since we are on this topic, and since its's also something i've never told anyone before so i brought you up.
and this includes even my sis mind you.
keeping all identities confidential, because it's only for me to know and be clean and truthful to my feelings and myself.
things back then was simple.
courting someone meant asking them out on a date, one on one.
unless i'm wrong?
there was one thing i know, was that we took notice of each other much more in school.
and i also know that the memories from that very trip, was ours to keep.
idk how it happened. but we clicked and i thought you were a great friend to keep.
so yeap.
short and sweet for you.
actually not so significant nor worth mentioning lol.
but it's up so let it be.
byebye close candidate.

the next you.
you are someone to stay.and i wish you stay for a long long time.i'm so done losing friends, and i do not ever wish to lose you.i've known you and we've both known each other for so so so long.but not long enough to be really close, to be close to the extent that we know one another inside out.but for us, we are made up of mainly wisdom and the years to count.
you give the best advice, all the time every single time.
it was you who taught me "5 years down the road will you rmb what you said or what happened today?" "life is short, enjoy the moment."sometimes i live by that, sometimes i don't.because sometimes at the moment counts.but i do know that sometimes that moment doesn't matter.
it was you with your wise advice, and you who always turn out to be right.almost 90% of the time.
this is something i've never told you, that if i really needed someone for huge super mature sensible advice, i will definitely find you.through you, i realised how childish i was, and how immature i was.but also because of that, i find you a bore like an old man.like worst than my grandad.
and also because of that i feel that we don't click very well?but no matter how long we haven't talk, no matter how long we don't contact, you are just this invisible friend who will always be there.it's almost like an unspoken rule between us.i rmb asking you before, if you were close to anyone else from my gen.and i was shocked that the answer was no and felt honoured in fact.
i'm sorry to you, for not being able to befriend like before, back when i was still single.it wouldn't be very fair to my partner, and i know that even if i didn't say you understand that too.
sometimes it gets a little awkward, cos i became very wary of you and my actions.because even verbally you can cheat on your partner and i'm not someone like that.from all the above experiences, i do not give anyone false hope.
idk if you will be reading this, i know you have access to here.
but well if you are reading, BE HONOURED hahaha.
but don't be creeepy and come text me suddenly you biggy hand.
you, to me, is just like a big brother.one who takes care, protects his sister.
you leave her alone when she doesn't need you, but if ever one day that she needs you, you will be there.always reliable, always sensible, always wise.
but i do wonder if you are tired of being so sensible.
you are someone worst than my dad, nag like mad.
tho i know it's good for me but sorry i'm just a child hahaha.you are the one and only one who still calls me by a nickname.but after being attached i don't even know what to call you.it's weird to call you by our given nickname.cos it's only right to call my SO with nicknames.because i wouldn't like it at all if my bf calls the opp sex with a nickname only shared btw the both of them.
anw, thankew for always being the one who takes the initiative to keep this friendship alive.
thankew for always asking me how am i while i don't really care much about your well being hahaha. probably that's what i like about our friendship, that it's always me being in the limelight and you know very well how to always let me be in the limelight.
no matter what i do you will always give in to me, despite always testing your patience and being sarcastic to you to the max. like saying how short and skimpy you are and you need to buff up else remain single forever.
well but that isn't really fair cos when i said that i had my bf image in my mind, how broad and bulk he was compared to you scrawny creature. the reason why i like him hahaha.
but one thing for you that i don't ever want to ruin, because i've learnt about it since the my lost dear friend is that..whether you like me or not, don't ever confess, don't ever say.as much as i'm wondering about it since the very day my bf asked me freaking randomly, don't say.
and i've been wondering it till this day. but guys being guys, maybe their 6th sense are right.
but no...lesson learnt for me.
no matter what keep it in your heart, keep it with you.
just like me as a friend okay? don't ever like me as a lady.the only person who has that entitlement is my bf.i know you will get that clear because otherwise we wouldn't be friends till now.i guess there's alot of unspoken rules btw us, they just get in place. these rules just happen.
it's funny yet amazing at the same time.
there's no goodbye for you my friend.all i hope for is that please stay, please stay in my life because i really don't want to lose anyone anymore. please stay to the very end.
we don't talk much, we don't even talk about how we feel much, but i know that we feel very much for our friendship.yes our friendship isn't as easy as before, but we try our best to remain friends and keep our distance.
and also, please find yourself a gf soon. i will be the happiest for you.
you are a damn nice guy, too nice to be true.
which is why i won't ever fall for you.
maybe you need to be a little baddie to find yourself one gf.but whoever she is, she is a very lucky girl and i hope that she will treat you as right as how a nice guy like you should be treated.



i would like to add on to part 1, for the friend i've lost.we missed each other's big occasions.one by one, bit by bit.now the biggest ever?
sure, updates do pop on every now and then, but it's different. it's different from experiencing it first hand, being involved in it.
and there's no turning back once we've missed each other's big occasion.
and every time these occasions are there, we are always on non talking terms.i guess that's what really drew us apart.and each time, it's for the same reason.and it all happened because of one decision.
and we naively thought that being apart works.it doesn't.for anything, especially relationships, it takes time and effort to sustain it.