to continue.
lemme just recap.
it was because of this picture that led me to the post.
tho i should have done all these when it all happened.
i saw this picture from fb, and it is so so so true.
let me type it out in case the font is too small to read.
we fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime..each one for a specific reason
"first love: this love often happens at a young age..you eventually grow apart or call it quits over silly things. when you get older you may look back and think it wasn't love. but the truth is, it was. it was love for what you knew love to be. "
"second love: the hard one. you got hurt in this one. this love teaches us lessons and makes us stronger. this love includes great pain, lies, betrayal, abuse, drama and damage. But this is the one where we grow. we realise what we love about love and what we don't love about love. now we know the difference between the good and bad humans. now we become closed, careful, cautious and considerate. we know exactly what we want and don't want. "
"third love: this one comes blindly. no warning. it creeps on you silently. you don't go looking for this love..it comes to you. you can put up ANY wall you want, it will be broken down. you will find yourself caring about that person without trying. they look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily. you see beauty in their imperfections. you hide nothing from them. you want marriage and family with them. you thank the universe for them. you truly love them. "so here we go.
the second person.
really the second.
cos after the first it was this.
this was so hard. legit hard.
hurt badly. applesaucing badly.
but yes it did make me stronger. and yes it does include pain, lies, betrayal, drama and damage. abuse is far too serious so no abuse. but abuse to my feelings then maybe yes.
and it was this that did close me up, that made me not want to love again.
that made me lost all faith in love.
i really did get hurt so badly it even feels sad now.
i can't really remember as well as first love.
but i do remember some of bits and pieces.
the park, TP, bus rides, cycling.
that's about there.
but i do remember the words.
cuts through me like a knife.
"don't follow me so closely, take it like we don't know each other cos idw to make it obvious", "i tried adopting to you and your life that's why i hung around your area and made myself go through your daily life"
bastard.
time heals, i have healed.
otherwise i would never ever dated.
but its just that right now, as you think about all those memories it still hurts a little.
so, to you.
idk how much you gave was true.
idk how much was a facade.
the fact that you used be as a rebound was all too much to bear that i couldn't bear to ask.
i have always told myself that if i would ever see you again, i would want to ask you why.
it still puzzles me.
why did you choose me to toy with?
was it because i was too naive?
i have always told myself that if i were to see you ever again, i will beat the pulp out of you, i would demand for an answer.
i told myself that i would tell you to stop hurting any girl like that, to let me be the last in your life for any sort of rebound you were looking for.
and i also secretly hope that you never ever date after me, that would be your retribution for being such a son of a bitch.
i told myself that from then till the time i meet you, if ever, i will become a better a person and you would regret every single bit for toying with me like that.
treating me so carelessly like dirt.
i've never told anyone. here i am, all dug out.
idek if you would be reading this, because i rmb giving in my precious thoughts here.
and i rmb how much i regretted the day i posted how stupid i was, all my thoughts thrown out in the wild, only for you to read after i was torn apart.
it felt so damn shitty i've never felt that transparent before.
that even after being hurt, you still saw my naked self. the naked truth.
it was you who taught me, that love was a choice. that love could become hate.
and it was so applesacuing scary.
but i'm so glad that you only took up that tiny fraction of my life.
i'm so glad that we were over as quickly as we started.
i didn't even knew why we were together in the first place, i guess i was just really gullible.
and you know something?
till this date, i still hate myself for giving my first applesaucing kiss to you.
so applesaucing digsuting.
same as the previous post, if we are talking about first, i would have gladly given it to my current bf.
you know me, growing up reading thousands of romantic novels.
i've always wanted my firsts to be special.
to be with the right one.
it was really a pity.
i regret this more than i did for my first love.
at least for my first love, i did felt what love was.
this was just like a tool, being used.
i was so glad to have my clique with me when these happened.
so glad that i had so much to take away the pain i had.
time will heal. it does.
thankew to you 2 for teaching me that.
but back to first kiss, i will never ever forget how sloppy it was, i will never ever forget how unready i was, and how i never wanted it.
and i will never ever forget the comment you gave to someone who gave her first away, that it was truly really bad.
fuck you.
what a fucking bastard.
you stole my first from me, you used me, and you had the guts to say that.
it was you who taught me that i, will never ever date until that one day where someone treats me as how i deserve and where someone treats me as a priority, his only special one.
but you wanna know something you son of a bitch?
at this juncture right now, i've found my one.
the one who treats me like a princess, the one who made my first kiss right.
the one who erased all the bad memories, the one who made how a first kiss should have been.
romantic, unexpected, gentle, slow, RIGHT.
he kissed me like i was the most precious thing ever and he kissed me like he needed all of me. he took his time to explore me and i never ever knew a kiss like that could be this gentle and warm.
the kinda feeling where you never knew you could ever feel. the kinda feeling you didn't even knew what it was.
but i now know.
it's the kinda kiss where it wakens each and every nerve in your body, the kinda kiss where you have never been kissed before, so wet so delicious and it makes you want more.
you never knew your body could react like that, that for the past 20 over years it could crave for anything like that.
that if we hadn't stop, i am almost sure it would lead to some other hot scenes.
it is the same kiss now, that makes me feel the exact same way every single time.
and i hate how much i secretly love it. and i could have it the entire day.
okay back to you son of a bitch.
i'm so glad, i cut off all contacts. "can we please remain as friends?" back then naive me thought i could. turns out it was hell for me.
the best decision i've ever made since the day i met you, was the day i decide to block you from all social media, delete your contact, block it, everything i could to make me disappear from your world.
i was also glad that our paths didn't ever cross.
until that one fateful day.
that fml day.
that i saw your fucking face. wtf did we even made eye contact. WHY.
it's like...a day i've been avoiding, a day i hope never ever comes.
you look all the same and i honestly can't believe that after so long you still served as a part timer there. but i know i looked different. it took you a while to recognise it was me, the one you hurt.
i was no longer that NOOB you used to call and know.
i'm no longer that frog in the well, no longer so naive, no longer wearing spectacles and tying my hair up all the applesaucing time.
and to my current bf if you are even reading this shit post, this is the goddamn reason why you gf hates it when she gets called NOOB, why she dislike tying her hair up tho you love it so much. because it's all these painful experience hidden somewhere inside her.
the exchange was barely a minute, 5 sec max.
but it took every single ounce of my cells to give me the courage to walk away with my chin up.
it took every single ounce of my nerves to not panic, to will myself to walk on and not crumble on the floor.
because that very moment, i was trembling so damn badly.
like a little girl seeing the person who abused her and wanting to hide away.
all those anger and hate from year ago, suddenly vanished.
and i realised at that moment that it was the least important.
because i didn't even want to speak to a bastard like you, i didn't even want to give you any chance of being near me.
i only wished that at that moment, my current bf was right beside me, hands over my shoulders, side hug. just that he was driving to meet me back then.
he would have protected me from every single thing i felt above.
and i would have been able to show you how blissful my life was at that juncture, and how i've found my special someone.
but for one thing i do know, was that i was deeply affected afterwards. but he gave me all the TLC i needed, he understood. where to find you tell me?
原来手贴着手并不是全部，心贴着心才是全部。
i rmb how well our hands fit, i rmb how perfect your height was.
that was all the good things i rmb about you.
but i realise at later stage of my life, that the hands doesn't matter.
it doesn't matter if they aren't the perfect fit, that, could be moulded. what was important, was the heart that matters.
height doesn't matter either, to me, my current bf is perfect.
i can lean anytime i want, and most importantly it's so warm and safe in there because he will block out anyone who tries to hurt me.
goodbye the second love of my life.
and i don't ever hope to see you ever again, even a million years later.
this is also too long a post.
so breaking it up again.
hold on for part 3.
the third love.
the best in my life thus far.
No comments:
Post a Comment
your comments =)