once upon a time - sentimental attachment part 1

Hello bloggie.

its the time of the night again.

i've been wanting to do this...since when i ransack that cupboard. 

the kinda nights where you let the radio determine which song comes next, and you just let the song take over how you feel. the kinda night where you are just you and truly you. 

i have a feeling i'm going to sidetrack so much from what i wanted to say. 

so....this post is gonna be something i feel i owed to myself, my own feelings.

the true bare me, the deepest ever heartfelt words that i've told no one ever. 

other than my mind. 

and i'm hoping very much not to sidetrack and end up talking about bueller because it seems like each and every of my post have been about him? 

happy or sad it still revolves around him. 

like he is my entire life, which at this point he is. 

but not today, not this post, maybe a little at the end. but yeap. 

it will be another lengthy one, and i'm not stopping until i feel like i have accounted for how i feel. 

idk how comfortable i am even, to let my readers read this.

my bf esp, since i'm not someone who goes this deep telling how i feel and i hate baring my skin to show anyone.

i just like to keep myself in this barrier of mine. 

but i have to, today, this post. it is going to be deep and all unleashed, without barriers. 

i should have done it long ago, when it all happened. 

and i think this would be the most important post to me ever in my 10 years of blogging. 

so. here we go.

this post is here, because i looked through my THAT drawer.

that sensitive drawer where i never ever liked to open, cos it holds so much memories.

from when i was young, till now.

all the cards, letters, gifts, everything.

it's all too personal, too dear to be shared. 

that sensitive drawer where i always feared, cos it rakes back way too much memories too. 

that sensitive drawer where i never ever liked to do spring cleaning, i could clean my entire room but i will avoid that drawer at all cost. 

it's something i don't even feel like sharing with my current half decade bf. 

whenever he tries to open that drawer, i will stop him from it. and he knows well enough that it is an unspoken rule not to open it. 

cos it's really too personal and i just want me myself to have those memories. tho i do take pictures of certain memory for him sometimes during spring cleaning. 

but here i am today, a post on that and also because of a picture below.

and that being said, ofc my current half decade bf is filling up partial of that cupboard now with all the cards he wrote for me.

#memoriesmuch too cos the things he writes 5 years ago and now, mega diff. 

anw. 

i have a few people whom i feel that i need to blog it down here. 

we have the 1st one. 

i came across all the handmade stuff a friend of mine used to make for me.

that undeniable familiar handwriting i've known for so many years. those handicraft that always take me by surprise no matter how many times i receive it. 

because they were all different, and they were all made from scratch.

it was because of this one person who made me appreciate and love such hand made stuff so much. 

and it never fails to amaze me how good or how creative this person could be, that i wish i had half of this persons' creativity cos i suck alot in art. 

idk if its just me being me, me being stubborn that i refuse to feel a tinge of sadness, or regret or pity when i see those things.

maybe it is because it was touching to read them all over again, but other than that i refuse to let myself feel anything else.

there were a lot of "so glad to have you in my life", "sister from another mum", "forever and ever", "love you so damn much" and all sorts. 

i think you guys may have guessed who. 

but yeah. 

it was sweet, it was touching. 

but i guess things just doesn't happen as it is. 

i guess even as friends, forever doesn't exist.

it gives me even lesser faith in any relationships right now.

we tried, we are tired. things just doesn't work out.

idk for what, idk for why. but we accept it and let it go.

idek if i have really let it go, or am i just deluding myself to it.

like it was something so simple.

but there really isn't any point to holding it back, since we weren't really even close to begin with. 

but the fact was that we were, we used to be kinda close? 

we thought we were the best fit, nothing could fail us.

i guess we were terribly wrong. 

this person taught me that it was okay to fantasize, so i did. 

i fantasized us, and all the future we thought are set for us. 

things like letting our kids be bffs, things like...like everything under the sun or under the world. 

but i guess boyfriends took us apart? 

we were never really free for one another, and it was worst when we got attached.

and it got even worse since my 21st birthday encounter. 

things just happen for a reason. 

in any case, no point crying over spilt milk at this juncture. 

all i can say is we really tried, probably tried to hard and here we are today. 

from time to time, i do wonder how this person is doing. 

i wonder how is this person coping. 

how does it feel like without someone you once held dearly thinking this would be the person you could share you whole life with.

does it feel empty that the rights of "no matter what i will be here for you" have been voided. 

i do feel empty tho, that i no longer have someone to call as a bff. and that i don't even have someone in my secondary school days. 

but probably all along, this was just an empty title without any contents. 

for the following people i need to blog about, it was because of this picture here. 

and this is where idk how affected someone who loves me very much will be.

the part where idk if i feel comfortable for my bf to read it. 

but we are here and we are doing this so just get it done. 

it feels almost like a closure. 

but i know that these people here, if i do see them again they will give me the same feeling all over again.

and in any case, i guess my bf couldn't care less since these are all in the past and it always seems that it is the present that he really cares about. cos it's him in my life right now and it is also us whom we both wants to spend and create the future together.

and also, he don't really give a applesauce about my past love life, even when i shared or asked if he wanted to know, he said not really.

but even as a tummy worm i'm not sure if that answer was because of his pride or was it true to his heart. 

but knowing him, i guess its partially because of pride and partially because it's all in the past. 

here we go~ 

i saw this picture from fb, and it is so so so true. 

let me type it out in case the font is too small to read. 

we fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime..each one for a specific reason

"first love: this love often happens at a young age..you eventually grow apart or call it quits over silly things. when you get older you may look back and think it wasn't love. but the truth is, it was. it was love for what you knew love to be. "

"second love: the hard one. you got hurt in this one. this love teaches us lessons and makes us stronger. this love includes great pain, lies, betrayal, abuse, drama and damage. But this is the one where we grow. we realise what we love about love and what we don't love about love. now we know the difference between the good and bad humans. now we become closed, careful, cautious and considerate. we know exactly what we want and don't want. "

"third love: this one comes blindly. no warning. it creeps on you silently. you don't go looking for this love..it comes to you. you can put up ANY wall you want, it will be broken down. you will find yourself caring about that person without trying. they look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily. you see beauty in their imperfections. you hide nothing from them. you want marriage and family with them. you thank the universe for them. you truly love them. "

let's start with the first one.
we happened at a young age, we called quits over silly things, except it wasn't that silly for us. but few years later, i did look back and asked myself and also a used to be friend of mine, if it was love. if you were my first love.
and that friend of mine told me the same thing i read here, it was love for what you knew love to be, because it was you who taught me how to feel what love was. you were the first one who taught me what was it like to have butterflies in my stomach, those fuzzy feelings. in fact it was you who got me out of my frog well and showed me partial of how big the world was.
first love, they emphasize it so much in dramas.
how everyone's first love will be so memorable.
but i guess that is really true.
because as i'm blogging all these down, i still remember them so vividly.
escalator, studying, school, staircase landing, that doggo, that v day, that moment of recognition, those mornings, that performance.
there's one thing i like to declare, tho despite being young and all, there is one thing that i am ashamed till my grave.
was that for a first love, i was a third party. i don't even know if i even shared this with my current bf but ya.
i never had the answer as to how i became one, but i guess its all from sweet talking, letter writing and believing everything he said.
and the sad thing for us, or at least for me is that we will never ever grow apart.
if only i knew the consequences back then, i will never ever commit myself to a first love like that.
i would wish for my first love to be my current bf, because that would be the love any girl would have wanted.
each time i see you, it reminds me of the past we once had and i can never ever take it that it didn't happen.
but i am truly glad, that i finally overcame the obstacle, the heartache i used to always get when i see you to nothing at all. and this, was successful thanks to my current bf.
he gave me the strength and courage to overcome it, somehow, idk how.
it's just the memories that is the problem right now, but they aren't going away anytime at all.
i still do get jittery and damn sian when i know i will be seeing you. and i feel so bad for feeling this way all the time, and even now that i'm attached.
it feels like cheating, that i shouldn't even be feeling this way at all. simply because i'm attached.
but ofc that jittery feeling is different from those butterflies that i get when i meet my bf even now. that jittery feeling is more of uneasy. why? i'm not too sure.
afraid of falling in love for my first love all over again? i really dk tho it's almost impossible.
but its so damn hard to not see you at all because of our relationship.
and i know that one day, i will be bringing my bf to meet you.
and it's going to be so damn awkward. but i do know that if that happens, my bf will support me with his might and give me the courage to do so.
but i don't even want to imagine that scene, i'm even involuntarily shaking my head as i try to imagine it.
dreading it, no it can't happen. but it will. cries. if not now, if not next time, it will be in the future unless you migrate or i migrate or if you die or if i die.
it is unavoidable.
and whether i like it or not, there will be occasional talks about you at gramps, tho not very often but from time to time i still need to hear news or discussions about you.
which really annoys me cos it only emphasizes the fact that there's no running away from you at all whether you are here or not.
there's one thing you gave me till now that i still keep it.
it still smells like how it was when you gave me.
the only reason why i still have it now, was because i couldn't bear to throw it.
and also i couldn't bear to look nor touch it.
then i was thinking, first love, should have something to keep right? prove that it was there and it happened?
with this thing it feels real, despite whether everything else was a lie or not. with this thing it felt true, but idk.
it feels wrong to be keeping it. it feels wrong to think or want to treasure it.
but i do know that it would be something i will keep, until the day i finally find the courage to throw it away, but maybe never.
there are things i've always wondered.
if it was the same for you, how true was it, how much did you love. i wonder if you told your then gf, i wonder if it would be because of me if anything, that led to the end of your long r/s with her.
thank you for those few months of love, whether true or not, thank you for the memories. but no thanks for having to face you in the future and many more other occasions.
you will be there when my gramps pass away, you will be there when my gran celebrate her 80 birthday, you will be there as long as it is family related.
it sucks so applesauce much.
it's this burden that i will never ever ever put down or find the way out.
and it isn't even fair to my current bf but i don't even know how. as understanding as he is, this is not something that he needs to be understanding about.
idk. like if we changed roles now, i don't even know if i could handle as much as he does even tho it's all happened in the past and there isn't much to handle. but it is quite a fair bit because of my relationship with my first love. and tho it may not happen in near time but still.....
it just sucks that it had to be you, it just sucks so much we had to be related no matter how distant we are.
why did we even meet that new year. why did you even approach me.
just WHY.

okay it's getting way too long a post so i'm gonna break it up into parts.
so brain draining to do this.
but bye for now.