sadded

yeah you are a shittty and bad woman but you are mine.
this isn't sweet at all.
not the least.
in fact it's so shitty.
to have it reaffirmed.

do you know how used to keeping things to myself am I?
it was because of you, that I learned how to open up.
I kept a million books of diaries last time, each of them my deepest thoughts.
but now when I do open up I get put down.

I've typed so much. I've spent an hour on this post.
it didn't get saved as a draft. only the above 2 para.
I guess it's fate for not wanting me to post.
but they were all words of mine, so deep so precious.
and I feel so sad now that I've lost them.
I've blogged about gramps, about how they spoke to me about deaths, about how sad I felt as though they have passed away while talking about it. about how today was a sad day and I didn't knew why.
about the indifferences, about so many things.
about how it's so easy to get hurt by nasty words."你很重" "this one become your weekend shirt" that implies that you are bored with my dressing "don't want to go on talking about this" "history repeating again"
about how difficult it is to hear any nice words now. about hownprobably good words were use up in office so when he meets me there's no more good but nasty things.
about how I wonder what isit about me that he likes now since he doesn't like my green hair my short hair whatever that I'm doing, he doesn't like talking to me cos he needs to thread carefully unlike speaking freely and laughing with his colleagues and also talking to me makes him tired. basically I make him tired
since I'm always being scrutinized for whatever I do, good or bad. and that this might be cos of work habit. even if I do good I don't get any praises. cos there's always "rooms for improvement".
unlike the past where any good I did I earned myself encouragement and words of reassurance. like "I like my baobei stability. it makes me reassured about our relationship" and I knew exactly what was it about myself or qualities I posses that he loves me.
and also blogging about how I'm probably treated like an email to edit, but I'm not a work so I need baby treatment.
blog about how tired he was, and realising it's been the case since I've met him. how past letters or posts were "your bf always tired and sleeping, appreciate that aiai understands but I feel bad for being constantly tired", to now "if I tired you just sayang me"
blogging about how I will change if I start work.
cos tired cos busy so will I neglect my bf needs and stuff.
neglect how he feels or what he wants from me. or impose my working habit on him. will I be tired and don't want to talk. will I be tired and be nonchalant to all his needs. will I be so tired that even meeting him is tiring. that keeping everything up requires so much effort. will I be so tired that I will just speak so ever factually that I won't even use any endearment.
endearments are so hard to come by, unlike before where it was part of each convo.
so this is how it turns into rarity.
endearment plus concerning and loving tone.
blogging about his boss, about nth times because of her presence that led to everything.
about "do you know how painful it was for me, for every action need to think need to avoid and think somemore".
that this was something I should have spoken about since a month ago. but I held it all back.
about how I said it played out as I expected, that it doesn't who I am or what I meant, he does feels this way, as I expected it would be and he said to compromise and it wouldn't happen.
and that I landed myself in such a plight I never wanted to. so pathetic.
it bothered me so much, hearing that from us I mouth. and it made me so sad.
it really is every single thing I didn't wanted to put myself through.
I rmb it so clearly, he said you are my baobei I won't ever feel that it is painful to be in btw because you are impt to me and I will choose you. and I was told blatantly how painful it was, it hurt so so so much.
tbh since we started out, nothing was ever what I wanted to put myself through.
dating an army boy, but it turned out to be the best experience ever. and I thought this would be the case too.
but it clearly isn't at all. each time about his boss, it only gets worst.
and I hate how much she is and have been hurting me. but there really isn't anything I can do that to watch and bear with it.
I can't react, I am unbearable and ridiculous if I make any noise.
about being doubtful.
"wait for me dear, things will get better." I've waited for 5 years now. he no longer asks me to wait. it feels like we are already on a standstill.
and I said how I rather I be poor and things remained status qou, than be rich and my good little things gets robbed away.
and then wondering about our future, so rocky so unstable.
nothing promising nothing finalized.
like anytime we will still break apart.
zero financial capability, debts.
and even more payments.
worrying about this kinda things.
jobs, not even one. what is future even.
empty talk. only all of our imagination.
how long more? I have really waited way too long.
and I've held onto the hope of "wait dear, things will get better" for way too long that things doesn't seem to be better now, only worst. a standstill.
with so many things in btw, each steps gets so much harder and I miss the innocent carefree times so much.
I really dislike the present and future so much, its the nth time I'm crying my heart out to wanting to go back to old times and my good old bf.
there's so much change and indifference now that I hurt too much.
I have experienced so much nasty comments coming from someone I thought wouldn't ever hurt me like this in the past few months than in my past few years.
it's all the words he wouldn't ever said to me if it was few months ago.
I have never ever heard any of such sort from the same person ever before in my 4 years. it is the same someone who vow to never hurt me but love and pamper me with his might.
but these months, it amazes more how much more could be thrown at me.
I didn't change at all. I am and have been and still is that good girl who waits on the notion of things will get better, wait for me.
but suddenly dk what I'm waiting for.
idk who is that person who speaks to me so ibdifferently and nastily like I'm worthless than his colleagues who he won't even speak and treat to in such a tone and manner.
and I feel so small, like nothing.
always getting scolded. always being scrutinized. always in the wrong.
and it amazes me at how much has changed in less than a year, but it's the person living in it who deosnt realize.
and I wonder at what cost will realization strikes, and at how much hurt and intensity of heartbreak will it take that realization moment.

yeah I guess that's the gist of it for the unsaved and lost draft.
then was wondering how wrong it was to post it . how wrong it was to feel like this.
tho this is my personal space.
then wondering how everything will get shoot back at me someday.
4am.
puffy eyes again.
what a night.
what a day
what a life.

on a side note.
I realised how bad it was this afternoon. to be in a house full of mirrors. alone.
and you see your own reflection everywhere.
it sucks so much to see your pathetic miserable face everywhere you go.
as tho you don't know that you were already pathetic.
you see that crying teary face.
and you hope to break every mirror you see with your own reflection