for not abling to spam.
for not abling to say what I wanted to say.
for not abling to get my intended outcomes right.
I'm here again.
and I didn't want to be here.
if everyone has been through this walk of life.
I think it's untrue.
they had jobs.
I don't.
they didn't had such a hard time looking for jobs.
I did.
they work hard together.
we aren't.
the extent that I didn't even knew about plans and goals from someone I spend almost everyday with proves how little we work or communicate together despite the constant texts and all.
little mundane things are impt in daily life, these big things are equally impt.
what was impt was that I forgot you had a life to live on your own.
I've naively and selfishly thought that it would be our future that you work hard towards to, all focus on the future and family life you wanted since years ago.
so I thought it would be everything else aside and just going for what you've always wanted, as spoken before the start of work with regards to life with and without me.
but what I forgot was, that you have your life on your own.
the part where didn't had me in it. the part where I didn't knew you wanted. it makes me feel very much a failure because 连这种东西我都不知道。like a nasty gf who dgaf to what her bf wants or have been wanting.
and I forgot about the current issues as you mentioned, the things that required attention and required actions.
and it made me look like a fool for being so naive for having overlooked such a fact.
but it seems that marriage and a house could be cast aside because they aren't as urgent as the current issues. which is true, the current issues are indeed more important.
but it seems like right now, I became the only one who wishes for a marriage and a house because those are my priorities right now. because it was our goal, and I set it the moment you set it when we stood in front of cck and spoke about everything.
it was that moment that touched me that I have a bf who cares about the future more than I did. and because of that I had the faith and reliance and also making up my mind that once I graduate I want to work extra hard to achieve what we want together.
but it really doesn't seem to be the case anymore, when I send bto stuff he got annoyed and say why you keep sending me such stuff, tho it's only meant to just share and see. we used to be able to discuss these things so freely, but now it's just a taboo, a touchy topic not to be brought up, not to be mentioned. that doesn't feel right and that doesn't feel assured at all.
but I guess the reality is setting in, the reality that we won't be getting anything like that anytime, we won't have the financial capability of affording our future.
that I really need to wait 10 years for a guy to finally be each other's.
like I mentioned in my previous post, my patience have been running low because I've waited for so long.
when in fact from the start it wasn't required for me to do so.
but I did. 5 years now, still waiting.
2 years now, I know I will still be waiting.
I always thought 2 years will be sufficient for new couples to save up, I was wrong. I have always been stuck with the idea, because we discussed it before, that we have a plan to finalize being one another's in 2 years. we thought and agreed it was workable.
I forgot about the reality in the society. jobs that are hard to find, debts and more debts.
I guess I will just shut up about any of these now. I will just watch in awe on my own. I will just fantasize on my own. from someone you could share everything with because you were sure he is the one you spend your entire life with, to someone who gets annoyed at such sharing sessions but is the same someone you still wanted to spend your life with.
if everything was so uncertain, maybe waiting might change that fact of the same someone to another someone.
just saying.
I know he has plans for us. I know I can rely on him. but based on all the above it is really hard not to doubt and to have faith. and also every other point stated below. I lack of so much reassurance. there isn't any in place. there isn't a love insurance when i don't even get simple reassurance I needed so badly. I am someone who needs it, interviews or whatever. you know me, you know. but maybe they don't, and still don't. only the superficial and others because it's a habit that they got used t hats why they know. rather than they really know know.
yes we briefly mentioned, but if it was something you have always wanted it would have been a together plan and it would materialise.
but it's a very much one sided affair now.
all the concerns, only mentioned now. where does that leave me really? am I not someone close enough or trusted enough for you to be sharing such matters with me? or is it that I wouldn't be understanding enough if you told me your wants and needs and concerns? or isit just egoistic issues that as a man there isn't a need to share such a thing because you just need to make decisions on your own.
doesn't matter discussion now, doesnt matter what I think. doesnt matter what I said and my concerns.
with regards to my concerns, rather than reassuring, it was put down in comparisons with everyone else.
hey, they had age difference.
one was working before the other, they were capable. their man was older, had some basic cpf funds.
we are both starting from ground zero. read more below in the next para about how ground zero we are.
for someone who has this little faith and with all these worries, I think the least I really wanted was reassurance, that I can not worry and rely on you because you are capable of carrying out what we planned.
but instead, it's chiding again. don't be so negative. (I think rather than self improvement on emails it should be self improvement on how should I reassure my gf 101, because imo you already are top notch at work. good to self improve but you realise even if you do the harsh truth is that there isn't space inside there for you to grow despite constant improvements)
how not to be?
with all the financial debts it feels like marriage is out of the question, isn't even something to be thought of or about.
just cruising through. standstill. little savings and spare cash.
there isn't even confidence in the relationship, that "don't worry dear, it will be okay we will work out well".
"don't worry dear I have it all work out, trust in me okie?" "you know you can rely on me" "you know you will always have me".
or even "you are my fav girl and you are mine, I will make you mine no matter what."
that would have given me so much faith to carry on.
or even just tell me to hold up girl, things
will get better.
but no, "don't be so negative".
I'm sorry I'm so negative because I worry so much because I care too much about our future. and because through the process of all these it's only the current issues that were discussed, nothing and zero mentioning of the future we plan to create together.
it really makes me doubt and wonder.
i just need that reassurance.
I've always said to take things at our own pace.
and this does not mean that I want to rush things. or I'm desperate.
I'm just saddened by the fact that a 2 year plan as we mentioned will never work out at this rate.
that 2 year plan we have been hoping since we got together, talking about it during school time. and it is disappointing because we had it in place but it's gone.
it's still there but I think it's now a 5 years plan.
I've given all my youth to 1 person, there isn't much youth left in me to wait much longer.
I'm not born pretty. I'll probably have wrinkles in 3 years time.
I guess it's a choice I made.
to go through all phases of life together, side by side together. waiting partially for him to enrol into uni so we could study together. waiting for ord. waiting during poly days because he was always late. guess waiting is a norm eh?
I did a calculation, 20% cpf, parents allowance, phone bills, 3 sets of insurances, school debt. that leaves us to 1.13k.
if according to my stats, monthly expenditure of 1k (all in from groceries to dates to miscellaneous and entertainments), that leaves 0.13k to save.
2 years forecast, saved 3.12k. then that's only when school debt cleared. maybe in 2 years pay increment? or maybe not since it took 5 years for a manager to increase $600?
3.12k, plus mine next time, enough?
then you see, then it will boil down to having very little spare cash, scrimping and saving. compromising on dates, maybe reducing the number of dates per week and just go home to eat.
sacrificing daily activities to save for the long run, idk how it will turn out. and that is really worrying. isit not?
there's one thing I have always stuck to till I met you, that is 太委屈自己的事情我绝对不做。if possible, I always hope to work out for a win win situation. which I think is always possible before any hard rules are set.
but I guess it doesn't really matter isn't?
at this juncture, I just think and feel that as life gets more and more complicated with different segments and factors, the space that is left for me get lesser and lesser.
no doubt I will still be a priority, but lemme just elaborate more on how little the space is left for me below. imagine a pie chart.
NS, 99% with 1% tired and other notions.
then we had OBS, the moment I realise honeymoon has been over, the moment we realise we could do without each other. down to 90%.
ord, school time. 80%, 20% exams, proj, stress.
work. 60%, 40% tired, stress, work related, money.
and it gets lesser and lesser as things piles up.
you get what I mean?
and i wonder when will be the point where there isn't any space for me.
the space for me has never been a constant.
you know for me, it was the opposite.
NS, 20%, 80% family daily life work. he was not as important because he was not someone who meant much to me yet.
ord, school, 50% cos it's finally the promise where things get better. 50% sch proj and stuff.
work, 70% because we are finally at the stage where our dream future will slowly materialise. we have income now it's no longer just fascinating.
and I know that as it progress slowly, he will be my 100% pie chart someday.
his importance to me will increase, unlike his it only decreases. and he agrees, because I mentioned to him about this during the transition from ns to obs, about how he don't need me and how the need of me gets lesser. he said but you will always be my priority
. which means yes that is true but even if you are 0% you will still be my priority.
the space for me only gets smaller with other things piles up.
then what an I doing here on a pie chart that leaves no space for me soon.
am I greedy to ask for 100% for both priority and space? I guess I am. there isn't anything impt about me that he needs to fill 100% space, esp when there isn't even much about me that he likes now unlike before.
which relates back to my what I wrote in my previous post.
seems like now without passion, with a bleak future, idk what we are hanging on for.
but I do know that I still like him and I still want him because despite everything it is still him.
but I'm really saddened by the fact, that whenever I share anything right now, rather than facing it together I get brushed off and put down.
I really do get scrutinized for what I do like my previous post.
why share then. i shared because you are my bf and my loved ones.
if it is you yourself who refuses to handle the hard truth then be a man and face it, not put me down and brush me off.
that sucks.
"lemme know your inner thoughts, open up to me"
"2018 resolution, I want my baobei to be as happy as the Polaroid below".
是骗人的吗? because right now it feels like.
it is sad again because I feel so wronged to be sharing how I feel.
like I shouldn't even. what's the point in the relationship then, when you can't even share your thoughts freely.
everytime you share it's wrong, everything you do is wrong.
but I'm only doing it based on what I was told.
but if its all happening cos you can't handle shit, then I'm speechless cos for each time you have a prob like that my heart needs to break a million times.
why couldn't it be facing it together? and dealing with it and talking out.
isn't that always what we did.
but maybe it isn't anymore.
maybe this has all changed.
because you can't give shit to nonsense like that because you have work commitments.
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