it's april guys. life sucks af.

it's april.
daddy surgery done.
ordeal over.
grounding over.
prison life over.
you know for some reason i'm thankful for his surgery.
at least i had something to do?
at least i was preoccupied?
at least i had a schedule?
at least i woke up early for those few days?
esp on the day of his surgery, damn early.
tho did nothing much and ate lousy food, but i felt truly drained.
and for some reason i kinda love how it felt.
what is drained even?
i haven't felt it for such a long time.
it's something bueller always feel, it was goood to be feeling how he feels.
but it's also quick to forget how it feels as time passes.

its april guys.
i'm still jobless.
sigh.
life sucks really..

it's april.
it's been such a shitty year.
what's there to celebrate?
birthday 8 days away, i see no reason to celebrate it.
i don't even have any feel for it.
i'm even dreading it.
it seems to be bold, italic that when that day comes, it will be right in my face: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 25 OLD QUARTER LIFE AND STILL JOBLESS. HAHAHA JOKEZ ON YOU!"
when that day comes it makes me feel more horrible than ever, an actual fact smack right in my face, celebrating quarter life jobless..making it no reason to be celebrating nor going through that day at all..
never felt this way before, but i don't really want 8 april to come.
presents, dinners, feels like i'm deserving none and should be deserving nothing at all.
the idea of it is just....makes me feel super duper shitty and horrible.
birthday wish be like what? hope to find a job soon.
and other ppl wishing me be like, happy birthday hope you find a job soon.
yeah like i don't want to and yeah like i don't hope for that?
so obviously you don't say kinda thing.

you know..trying for so long and hard.
it makes you very doubtful of yourself.
extremely.
and esp when there are ZERO reassurance and comfort that i am/ have been seeking for.
like degree for fuck?
useless paper.
experience for fuck?
big companies for fuck?
all also no use.
past 15 years of education for fuck?
fucking nothing.
and fucking ridiculous that i am a clown of my own.
really smh, really damn joke you know?
and it really makes me feel super duper duper useless.
but you know something?
applying for fs, i somehow know every single thing to my goood?
i know where i did well, i know my strengths so damn well.
i can show it to you, prove it to you.
but for other industry, it's like i'm a nothing.
i don't have any strengths to show off, idk what i'm good at, i feel weak and nothing.
good at writing? no not really. good at talking? neither. good at interpersonal skills? team skills? leading? no no no?
seee? i am a nothing.
but fs, sensory? YES. product development? YES. lab? YES. manufacturing production? YES YES YES.
and..izzit just get any shitty job and just do?
really eh, any response any one, and it seems like i will be okay.
i have lowered my expectations and myself so lowly, that i really dk what to expect or don't really care what it is anymore.
like even 1.8k also can?
cos it does seems like i really am this bad?
and like i said, nobody says: girl you are not that lowly, you are worth much more than that.
i mean i really dk.
cos my confidence about everything about me currently, is just negative.
and at this juncture i can feelz the tears coming out again.
the kinda assurance i've always wanted like how granny hugged me tight telling me it's all gonna be okay.
but having none at such hours as usual.
how many times has it been, crying over this, feeling so shitty about myself at such an hour?
i really can't count eh.
it sucks really.
and despite this brave nonchalant front i've been working hard to keep it up, it's so difficult.
it's so tough.
it's tough trying to be tough, it's tough trying to act like i am okay with it, when deep down i'm not at all.
it's hard to keep up with the mentality that one is coming soon, when there isn't even a single response.
like legit nothing at all.
and once again it's like prove that i am really so lousy.
it's hard to keep up with the positivity and motivation, that it will be soon.
seems like J's prediction weren't so right afterall?
then..like..izzit just suibian get any part time job?
just give up on full time?
like even shop assistant kind also can? $7/hr nvm.
at least got money.
and it really feels like i've worked so hard to end up having nothing at all.
do you really know how depressing everything is?
it makes you doubt yourself so damn much eh.
and having no reassurance it really doesn't help a single bit.
izzit need go htht with my sisters?
then from there i can get the little bit of reassurance i'm looking for?
see i'm so pathetic.
and crying again.
totally wtf.
it really makes me feel like i am truly a failure in life?
just...tired, so tired of hoping for no hope.
for waiting for nothing.
and i really just want to vanish into thin air.
i know it is wrong to think of it this way, but i really can't help it.
it's too painful, hurts too much, too depressing.
and the fact that nobody wants me at all, just confirms that i am useless redundant worthless piece of shit.
i really am a failure, right?
yeah i am.
since no reassurance, no one says is okay girl, i shall answer it on my own.
like, if i've been a good and well behaved girl i would have gotten jobs by now, or like would have been reassured by someone or anyone.
but i guess i'm that super naughty girl that's why i've got nothing now.

hi april.
good day to you.
what a negative post to start the new month.
well, there isn't much positivity in the first place anyway.
tired. ):
hadn't rested well for past 2 days.
torturing.