i really really kennut, really fucking kennut.

that day!

bueller ask me again if i laosai after my macchiato drink.
sweeeet.
just saying. just wanted to post tho this is a shit post.
but i always and will forever appreciate such sweet moments and will swoon over moments like that.

hell is over...for now, i guess?
horrendous 48 hours gone.
first 24 hours was so perfect, that if it remained like that i wouldn't have any issues at all for future whatever trips or even maybe day trips etc?
THEN the next 24 hours was...worrying?
slept and woke every 2 or 1 hour ish.
for fear that a bomb might jibaboooom.
that if i slept soundly then when i wake up there will be a huge present for me to unwrap.
well true enough just when i thought i could finally sleep in peace, it jibabooom.
should have just remained tired and stayed awake?
would that have changed anything?
idk.
all i know is that RIGHT NOW, after 12 hours of jibaboom that whole image still replays in my head.
after attempts of housechores, bashing, lashing it is still stuck.
in fact, it is almost traumatising.
and it's definitely not something i force myself to keep thinking of it etc, it's just permanently there.
well, i guess probably a mini version of just what happened in UK.
and..well.
what can i say?
no one learns. not us.
the 24 hours was really..so well done i swear.
like so freaking good.
it's the kind, where i told myself ytd, i would cherish my man so much more and so damn much and it's another newfound reason to even love and appreciate him more?
i was truly truly amazed.
really thumbs up until kennut.
can't emphasize how great he was.

BUT THEN............
things just need to go haywire.
cos nothing is perfect?
and this one, i also really kennut.
i've been shaking my head whenever i think about it, can't believe it happened.
even till now, still can't help but to smh.

see ah..

1. join this company, fine okay we compromise.

2. all girls environ, nothing I can do. already know already join already compromise.

3. company trip. nothing I can do either, suck thumb

4. location had to be BEACH. can't do anything either.

5. bikini PLUS plenty of bareskin exposeed girls in pool playing ball? so amazing, would there have been something I could have done? no. 

this one really, I kennut. really red card beep beep. really out of the league. 

it seems like overtime it all gets worst, I'm just waiting for the time where it gets so bad so I can walk out of the step 1 of compromise.

like really, how much more is there to bear, how much more is the end? how much more really..

there's a limit to compromising you know? not this, definitely not this at all. 

seems like all these compromising have been doing nothing but hurt and disappointment to me.

tho there were plenty of times where he did a wonderful amazing job which makes me wow and appreciate him alot.

but the last one. 

really. 

truly.

exasperated.

smh.

sigh deeply. 

fml.

you see how helpless I have been? 

there really isn't anything I could do.

the only thing I could do was step 1.

and I failed to do that.

I gave in, for the word of love.

it led me down to now, this state. 

i would swear to god,  if i could, that i will never EVER EVER EVER wear a bikini now.
NEVER. fucking. EVER.
like all hopes of me wearing one is just GONEE.
i have always wanted to wear one because i wanted to show my curves in front of someone i like/loved.
why? because guys being guys they love bare bodies and curves.
well, there really isn't a need for that now.
he has already done it with other body curves that's not mine.
and also, i have ALWAYS thought that i would be the FIRST girl whom he knows personally to see one in.
NEVER DID I FUCKING KNOW.
well i guess i'm really simply way too naive.
if i'm not the first, i refuse to be second, and i will not be anything after the first.
so now if i really do want to wear one, i don't think my first would be with you either.
and now, i don't even feel like showing my body anymore.
what's the point when you've already seen literally bodies and curves of people you hang around daily?
i really do, really naively do thought that it will only be my body curves that he will ever see literally.
it isn't.
smh.
so fucking disappointing you know?
and now, today onwards till the day i can forget about it, i won't ever feel comfortable letting him touch me intimately without having those images popping up.
it makes me feel "what's there to see about mine when you've seen so many fucking others for an hour plus tho you didn't touch but that's like easily a handful of ppl whom you see daily?"

AND, how long can 1 xes session last? 10 mins? idk.
but i do know that it can't last 1hr.
and even if it does, you definitely DO NOT spend 1hr in your lingerie while your partner just watch your bare skin and throw balls at you.
omg this is damn wtf i really fucking cnt.
pool setting, these curvey bare skin people, (bikini or not because that amount of skin exposed is still....fuck i refuse to let myself imagine) you know PERSONALLY who aren't strangers, beside you in front of you surrounding you IN THE WATER throwing a ball around?
i mean..HONESTLY, let's be honest here.
WHICH GF WILL FEEL COMFORTABLE WATCHING OR KNOWING THAT??????

knowing is good. truth is good. but fuck this.

image replayed 10 000 times already.

i really do not think i am too kuazhang?
wa this is damn fucking fucked up.

as silly or exaggerating as it is, it is a fucking bloody huge deal for me.
legit smh.
how could youuuu????
you know it feels wrong to even be playing in the pool with spastico that time, with all of them baring their bodies in their swimsuit and that bulge?
that level of discomfort was there tho i was quiet about it, it was so disturbing in fact and it felt so damn wrong.
like i should only be seeing my bf bulge and no one else, but there they were and it was so obvious cos that's the most uneven part out of their entire bare bodies?
don't even want to think of it now.
mentally haunting in fact. and it feels like a sin to be seeing and remembering it too? just sooo wrong that i told myself i hope there isn't anymore of such next time tho it was fun, and should there be more my bf must always be there.
and back then all i wanted to do was to keep hiding behind my bf back like a little kid hiding behind her dad cos she's afraid of strangers, until it was safe to be looking around freely.

IF i were to wear a bikini in front of them, or say just a swimsuit, guys being guys you know how cock their brains are whether the girl is their friend's gf or not.
likewise, any other girls in bikini, it's just.............i don't even want to imagine.
guys being guys, girls in bikini = confirm will slurp. even for 1 sec.
i know it all too well.
I REALLY KENNNUT.
okay, see.
hold on a sec. okay for those random girls on the beach, go ahead and see.
cos you will forget because they are STRANGERS.
BUT BUT BUT people you work with???????
waaaa i really kennut.
kennnut eh.

I'm not saying that you will always rmb it, that's not the whole point. the whole point is you've spent 1hr with your female colleagues bareskin exposed playing some fucking ball. people you know personally and ppl you deal with daily and people who aren't strangers.

i really just want to hide my body.
matching lingeries?
sexy bikinis?
no more.
forget it.
my body doesn't matter anymore and doesn't matter at all when you've seen a handful of other curvey butt cheeks cleavage right in front of your face.
it really is almost equivalent to seeing a handful of guys i work with and their bare cocks showing right in my face tho "i was only throwing balls around".
but the fact is that: I HAVE SEEN IT, REAL LIFE.

oogle or not, but bound to take notice. the point is you have seen it. 
omg. -.-
legit turned off, disgusted.

you don't know how much i wished it didn't happened.
you don't know how much it affects me.
you don't know how much i wish to rid of this whole thing.
still shaking my head at the end of the post.
you don't know how much i hate myself right now.
for being so fucking naive. so fucking foooolish.
you won't ever imagine how uncomfortable it is all for me, for future for now and for the past.
my precious body, i will protect you so furiously now.
i don't even feel like making out cos that image just appears.
neither do i feel like i will want to have any xes sessions in the future. 
i no longer feel comfortable, it's is so disturbing so uncomfortable.
it is so hard to swallow, this whole entire thing.
don't even try the "depends on how you see it" fucking thing.
this is how i see it.
A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE.
no, A GIRLFRIEND'S PERSPECTIVE, who naively thought your eyes will only be faithful and loyal and respectful of her bare body only, who also naively thought that in this lifetime it will only be her bare body that you will see, and lastly who also naively thought she will be the FIRST FUCKING girl whom you know personally to EVER see in a bikini.

no it's not cheating, not at all.
it's just a BALL game, with curvery girls all around.
but your eyes cheated on your gf.
her bare body feels cheated on, with those handful you saw.

for some reason i'm thinking about rihanna's take a bow.
like it just came to my mind very randomly.
standin ovation part, round of applause part.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UjJ4wKLkg

"how bout a round of applause, standin ovation.
Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caughtBut you put on quite a showYou really had me goin'That was quite a showVery entertainingBut it's over nowGo on and take a bow
Talkin' bout "Girl, I love you you're the one"This just looks like a re-run(Please)What else is on?
And the award for the best liar goes to youFor makin' me believeThat you could beFaithful to me"

I STILL FUCKING KENNNNNNNNNUT.
SO TORTURING.
FUCK ME.