nothing

hello bloggie.
shall shift these photos here.
before the post below.
it only gets sadder and sadder.

this is worth almost 4hrs of thought process, tears and emotions.

compressed into words and a page like this.

cooking lesson today?

it looks like those cooking show where you display all your ingredients out. 

was reading comic stripes because i was and i am that bored.

i read this part, it made me cried.

it sounds like me.

it feels like this is exactly me. 

i cried because i know how exactly it feels.

i cried because i felt exactly like this girl. 

i cried because i'm actually craving for the same reassurance the girl was having.

i cried because i've got nothing.

lemme beat around the bush a little bloggie..
it's night time again.
it's you and me again, with some soft music tonight.
for some reason my tummy have been churning.
i guess it's because of milk again.
i was just wondering what my private blog is.
only to realise i have forgotten a long time ago.
there's somewhere, where i used to go to where i couldn't let anyone know about how i feel at all.
it's just somewhere, where i keep how i feel for just me myself to read back and ponder over it.
and so i thought, maybe today should be the day.
you know how i dislike being so naked in front of anyone.
being seen through all, don't like it a single bit.
and i haven't felt like that for a long time.
in any case, tonight is a sad night.
seems like the next wave came.
so fast right?
let's see..
i lasted a week plus.
and then here i am again.
and i forgot to wash my hanky.
it's been folded like a sandwich since that day.
and i've been telling myself to send it to the washer.
need to wash it soon otherwise it will start smelling salty tho idk how salty should smell like.
the sea?
but human salt, should be kinda different.

and you know what bloggie?
it's 8 mar today.
which means i have a month to go before i turn 25.
25 and unemployed.
having nothing at all.
legit nothing.
what happened to all those dreams?
what happened to all those motivations?
what happened to all those positivity?
i've been searching for them tho, and they have all gone hiding.
and i'm sad that i can no longer find them.
it makes me nothing.
i am honestly thankful to everyone who stayed by with me.
for my family who don't stress me over job search, for constantly supporting me even tho they don't say.
it's nice that they just sit and watch, and not commenting.
cos i know that they know and they know that i know.
i also appreciate everyone who has been trying and wanting to help.
thankew very much i truly appreciate it, but by doing so, you make me feel weaker than ever.
i don't like feeling like that. it feels like i can't even accomplish nor do the only thing im supposed to do properly.

i have never ever come clean to anyone about how i feel.
but lemme tell you bloggie, it hurts so much.
it makes you doubt yourself thoroughly.
like an unwanted kid.
nobody wants you.
it feels like you've been given up on.
it doesn't matter how well you behave, it doesn't matter if you have been a good kid, it doesn't matter if you have done well in school.
the fact is that nobody wants you at all.
and you are really just a worthless nothing.
it feels like whatever that happened before this stage didn't happened at all.
it feels like you have worked hard for nothing.
it feels like, why did you try so hard in the first place.
it feels like, you probably shouldn't even have tried nor waited in the first place.
it makes me regret my decision alot at this point of time.
because it makes me so sad and bitter.
i wondered why did i wait 2 years. i only wanted us to be embarking and going through similar routes together. i naively thought i would like that and i wanted that.
i wondered why did i waste my youth waiting and working when i know i wanted a degree.
why did it take me so long, most importantly why did i wait. i waited because i thought going through everything together was the best for us.
i waited for hope, for acceptance.
it feels like i've been asked to wait forever.
"wait for me"
it felt blissful to be just waiting back then.
i waited. and waited.
until now.
until now that i'm left with nothing and when the one i have been waiting for is ahead of me already.
until now that there isn't any hope neither is there any acceptance.
will he wait?
no...he is full speed ahead charging on.
he stopped asking me to wait.
it feels wrong to have waited.
it feels wrong to hope, to want to go after my dreams.
it feels like i should have went full speed ahead than being an obedient dog to wait for your owner when told to.
you this obedient doggie have waited till your owner has got everything with you as a backstage crew now when you used to be his world only.
you waited from when he had nothing at all, to now that he has what he wanted.
and look at you.
you've got nothing other than continue being that obedient puppy and waiting on your owner.
jokes on you.

i think other than bloggie, no one truly knows how many times have i been crying over being a nothing and an unwanted being.
they really don't realise it isn't as easy as it is.
and there really isn't anyone who can emphasise with me.
because they won't ever feel however i am feeling right now.
it really feels like pit bottom you know?
and after today, it makes me realise that i'm really not even anything at all.
it confirms the fact that i am not even anything at all.
that i can't even send a proper email right.
what am i good at?
nothing.
i really can't think of anything i'm good at.
i'm only a good for nothing.
good at crying maybe.
it sucks alot you know bloggie?
i no longer feel confident anymore, it's like my little confidence of doing things right have been utterly destroyed today.
that tiny bit of confidence and ego, have been utterly destroyed.
feels like everyone have been telling me a big fat lie.
you know how as humans you need to have recognition?
previously i had it through my results, now i have nothing.
no one tells me i've been doing good, i've been doing right.
no one tells me it's been brave of me to have hung on for so long, no one tells me it's okay girl.

it's been so hard you know bloggie?
so so so hard.
these few months, it's been hard, sad, dark and bitter.
idk how i've been through, i really have no idea at all.
just cruising through.
you know how much i wished it was like last time, while i was crying softly beside grandma and she would wipe my tears away?
or how i've been scolded by mum and she comes into my room to hug me and tell me its okay?
who do i have to hug now?
who do i have to tell me that it's okay, don't cry?
i've got a room to myself but i've got nobody.
only big fat pooh, and other soft toys.
who do i run to at such an hour in the middle of the night, who will be really there for me?
do i go into their rooms and wake them up and they see a 25 year old sobbing in the middle of the night?
and demand for a hug and reassurance that everything will be okay?

can somebody tell me that it is okay to despair, it is okay not to be strong, it is okay and I know that you've been suffering and every thing will be okay?
who is really there for you at such an hour when you really need somebody to tell you its okay to give you a hug and pat your head and hug you till your tears are dried?
that it is okay with getting the last bit of confidence destroyed over an email by someone whom you thought will never speak to you in a manner which is spoken to a mere colleague?
it is okay to tell me how to improve, it is okay to tell me how to go about doing it.
but do not ever pinpoint at my faults like i'm a worthless person who commits stupid mistakes that maybe only amateurs will commit.
and do not ever speak to me like how you do for your colleague, that manner, that tone.
why couldn't it be "dear you see ah, if i want to talk to someone i didn't know i would have blah blah blah" or "huh dear you never explain who you are first before you ask what you want to ask ah"
that would have made me stop right on my tracks and reflect and wonder ohyahor why didn't i do that?
than "if you want to talk to someone you didn't know, how would you have done it?"
if i knew how i would have done it do you think i will write such a lousy email?
or am i a prisoner to be interrogated?
do i look like i am someone who have the same level of intelligence as someone you teach at work for you to be using the same method to correct my mistake?
yes i got it, i finally know how to put how i felt into words.
it makes me feel like i have the same level of intelligence as someone who isn't even smarter or sensible like me.
and it really enrage and upset me.
it really wasn't so much about telling me about my mistake, but the way and the tone used.
it makes me feel so stupid, stupider than someone who isn't even smarter or sensible as me.
and it makes me feel much less than a mere colleague who has bad command of english, that the only thing i gained an upper hand was that my english wasn't as bad as hers, and that it was only saving grace otherwise i'm really at the same level as her for writing such a ridiculous email.
it really broke me.
and for someone stubborn and egoistic like me to come clean with the truth OUT LOUD that it is due to my inexperience in front of the person you like the most and having the same person to verify the fact right back your face, my ego pride and confidence all got blown away.
making me feel like i am someone who have the same level of intelligence as someone you teach at work for such a thing to have happened.
it makes me feel like i've been put down by and right in front of the person you like the most and it is definitely not something i enjoy swallowing my pride and ego for.

and i guess its time to put an end to all our considerations.
i guess we just need to take the harder route, because we won't ever have one that's smooth without bumps nor obstacles.
it also isn't worth it, for me to be considering so much, when little consideration nor sacrifice was given.
it's time to do what you want girl.
it doesn't matter anymore.
吃一点苦，我们没吃过吗？
一路来都是吃着苦走了过来的。
这一次也一样，就再来吧。。
不喜欢拍人马屁，不喜欢转牛角尖，不喜欢做自己不喜欢的事，更是不喜欢做委屈自己的事。
也不喜欢靠任何人。
因为我就是我。
喜欢就喜欢我全部，不喜欢就随你，我也不会要你喜欢我这个人。
敢爱敢恨。

it feels good to cry it all out.
tho the sadness still remains a little.
it feels slightly better to finally put what i feel into words.
thankew bloggie, my trustyworthy non living place to be when nobody wants me.
and you do not judge me for how hard i cry, how long i cry and everything i have to say.
it doesn't matter if i've been crying for this entire post, or any other post.
thankew for being here for the past decade.
izzit almost 4am again.
i'm famished, tummy making funny noises idk from churning or from hunger.
but let's just sleep.
sleeping a sad shio bun, sometimes i wish i never need to wake up again.
dying in your sleep, seems like a nice way to die off.
peaceful, painless.
while others are trying hard to fight a disease, trying hard to stay alive, here i am shamelessly thinking about death.
the irony isn't?
well i've got nothing to lose honestly.
why?
because i've got nothing, and i am nothing at all.
jokes on me once again.
i find myself amusing too that i can't find the laughter within me to laugh at myself.
if i knew 5 years ago i would sit here on my bed at such an hour and thinking about death and all the unworthy things about myself and knowing this stage that i'm in, i wouldn't have worked hard at all.
wouldn't have.
would have stopped 5 years ago.
or have these 5 years been a bonus?
idk.
i'm too sad and too hungry and too lethargic to think about it.

but i do wonder if there will be a day where i'm so sick and tired of this sad hard dark bitter life, when i no longer find any will nor motivation anymore, will i find the courage to end everything?
it seems like it has been something i've been wondering extremely frequently but i do know that i lack of the courage in doing so.
i hope i do find the courage someday because that seems the most ideal way out of this torturous life i'm in, than hanging on and feeling sad and worthless and needing to try even harder or try again. and trying to be okay every single day when it is absolutely not, trying to fill each day with positivity and hope when there's nothing at all.
and when all that is really left of you, is only an empty shell.
it's almost ridiculous how it came to this.
but it isn't.
it really has been hard, soo hard to hang on to this date, to today.
i definitely appreciate people who have stood me by.
i feel so hard up and tired for trying..
does anyone even know that?
it has been so tiring, so depressing, i don't even wish for anyone to help me out.
because it won't ever happen.
we don't have such a smooth life rmb?
it's just us and us alone.

please don't tell me what I need or what I need to do.

don't even ask me if I need any help. 

I know what I need.

all I need is someone to be there for me, to concern and to care for me, to tell me and reassure me for the good I've done, for all the good in me.

that I am more than a nothing.

and that I mean much more than a good for nothing.

it's hard to be confident about yourself when there isn't anything much to be confident for or about.