I really just wanted reassurance and comfort

all I wanted is really reassurance and comfort.
instead of bawling my eyes out and sobbing so hard in the middle of the night for the same thing again.
no one holds me and pats my head and say, it is going to be okay girl. it is okay.
says no one ever.
instead I'm being ridiculed, faulted and doubted.
giving up on dreams, change perspective.
shall we just give up entirely now?
it's been such a tiring, lonely and tough journey.
i wonder if forensics will say that the deceased have bawled out her eyes for quite some time because of the depletion of tear glands.
lol.

it really isn't about thinking so much.
thoughts just keep you awake.
words just cut me down.
words that float around my head and repeat again and again.
it's not self inflicting because if these words haven't been heard they wouldn't even hurt.
and no it's definitely not any form of concern nor worry.
concern and worry don't come in such forms.
they come in TLC.

"take courage, you are not alone. you will win the odds. you will overcome, hold on. you'll be okay"

how comforting this is..
how reassuring this is
it does feels very lonely.
walking down this tough road all alone.
they always say they are there but they are not cos I can't even feel their warmth or love or presence.
you'll be okay.
Will I really be?

realising how difficult it is to find comfort in this tough journey.
realising how difficult it is to find reassurance in this tough journey.
realising you are nothing again.
nothing on my hands.
and still feeling like you are the biggest joke of the day.
doubted, faulted, ridiculed.
and feeling the need to be in the arms of someone again allowing them to reassure you but it's all only what I hope for.
because reality doesn't give you reassurance nor comfort it only gives you shit and more shit.

I won't try to put across how hard it is.
I've already said it previously.
anyone who felt me would have fully emphatised by now.
I've washed my hanky.
I did it the very next day.
it's fresh for a while but it's soiled again.

I just didn't knew abit of reassurance and comfort was too much to ask for.
and neither do I know that concern and worrying was stress, doubt, ridicule and fault.

it's okay to cry girl.
it's okay to self assure.
it's okay if you're alone.
it's okay if it's hard.
it's okay if there's no comfort.
it's okay if there's no support that you ever wanted.
you will overcome these because you are a strong girl.

or I may not.
it still hurts so much.
and other than being tough and hard it's so stressful.
it's that unseen stress and it really just take 1 person to trigger that stress to land me in such a state all over again.
as much as I try to think in a positive light it's pretty unbearable.
it's the kinda stress that can break your heart apart, time after time.
and for one thing, it sure is tiring.
it has been so tiring bloggie.
and it's not the first time I'm thinking about giving up.
it breaks me so bad.
giving up is cheap but I really no longer have much will power to deal with these.
I'm really so sick and tired of these.
and getting no comfort and reassurance just makes every thing worst.
being ridiculed doubted and faulted it makes everything so bad.

I thought that when you have a dream you go and pursue it.
I didn't knew that a dream was meant to change perspective.
and it seems like all along my dream was just something that can be easily pushed away.
FS, MNC.
fine they are hard and they are supposed to be given up on and change perspective on.
okay I give up, even if it makes me unhappy but it makes everyone else happy.
but i have to fulfil other people's dreams, in means of forgoing my own one.
even if it makes me sad and unhappy.
I guess that's just my fate, for being the eldest, for being me, for being in half decade old journeys.
i guess I just don't have the rights to do what I want, to pursue what I really want.
deprived of chances, deprived of rights.
and I guess I'm just living in my very own little India.
and I guess no one knows how much they truly mean to me.
and it hurts so bad.
I really thought that family and loved ones should be the ones supporting you to the very end no matter what, turns out they arent the one but those who asks and want you to give up on the things you wanted.

am I always in the wrong?
isit always wrong to ask for things I really want to do?
things that I will be happy doing?
things that I won't feel put down by doing it?
can anyone tell me pls.
because it always seems like I am in the wrong for wanting what I truly want.
since young.
since forever.
while everyone around me has it so easy.

I have plans.
I do.
I don't talk about it cos talk is cheap.
I act on them.
and unless I act on them I don't go around talking like how big my ass is.
I will talk after I act.

it's really heartbreaking to be going through these mental turmoil.
and having no one at all.
the silent night, the heartbreak and the loneliness, is enough to bear.
plus the mental turmoil, it really is pretty unbearable.

我很累。
为了同样的事哭了一百遍。
还是归零。
还是一个人。
还是没人抱着我说没事的，会更好的。
日子照常的过。
过的好无奈好累。
有谁或者什么可以带我走吗。。
好不想在这里。
一点都不想。
已经没有任何意义了。
不想过这样的生活也不想又为了这件事落泪了。
想放弃，只是还找不到勇气。
如果有勇气就好了。
早都结束了。
可是没用到连勇气都没有。