xiexieni

idk why.
but there are always random stat post like years ago.
who stalks them?
or who reads them even?
so random.

my very first interview ended today.
i actually had a nervous breakdown in the morning.
but i didn't tell anyone.
i just felt extremely stressed over it, and very unprepared even though i did prep myself already.
it just felt that it wasn't enough and that i wasn't able to ace the interview.
even tho i kept telling myself to treat it as a causal talk. just that this is with more justification and i need to be more careful with the way i phrase it.
and i kept on trying to change my mentality that we are not there to ace it, but nonetheless i still really wanted to do well.
and i literally broke down right before i left house.
unlike the interview at gsk or cocacola where i felt so prepared and that nothing could blow me off because everything was still fresh in my mind, all the should do should not and phrasing of answers and questions, it was entirely different this time.
i felt very much drifted away, not that we will have plenty of interviews very often. but i just felt like i completely forgot what i was taught and it just felt like there's so much more to meet in the eye than just talking or than just an interview interview.
so many other things to look out for like your body language, how you should go about approaching everything, how to leave a good impression, how to put on that mask without lying.
and it feels like right now, i get sick and tired of putting on that mask, because i want people to know me for who i am, not the one who try hard to please people.
i just dislike pleasing people, cos i am me i am just like that.
whereas the me in the past, i would be very willing to do so, because doing that gets me the job even tho i'm not me.
exactly how i survived in gsk cos i was nothing, just an empty shell with millions.
but today, it was nerve wrecking indeeeed.
why sales out of so many divisions? why not marketing or say tourism?
mistakes you committed, what you enjoy most, what you did.
questions i missed out the night before.
not hoping for much, but definitely hoping to do well.
it's not the die die i really want the job but really just hoping to do well.
it is okay even if i don't get it.

but i was very extremely grateful for the support i received.
it's so bueller-ish..
calls before something crucial/nerve breaking.
it felt so reassuring.
and that might be what calmed me down and brought me back to sanity.
i can't even emphasise how nervous i was.
if i needed to compare, this was the worst among the 3 job interviews i had.
really is cos of the lack of practice and familiarity in interviews unlike previously.
but so ever thankful for him for going through the questions and advising me on everything.
it was definitely helpful in one way or another, and just very thankful for his presence and efforts.

then walking on the streets of orchard and just wondering..
a job is so damn hard to find.
i only want a job?
why couldn't it be easier?
like how B got his.
he really just needed to stretch out his hands and it just land on his palms perfectly.
don't even need to lift a finger.
not even the tiniest one.
i've used 10 of my fingers but can't even get anything.
life is really unfair then i guess.
the desired salary, job scope, working environment.
everything that fits too perfectly.
and still asking for his special someone to stick by and stay by.
is that being greedy?
taking everything within sight and feel, and just watch.
but those who have a job, just do it lor.
just do well, perform well.
because that is something i do not have now.
be thankful.
oh but then again, because it is so challenging, the tikee in me is even more determined to find something i really want and put in more effort to get the job i want.
it will be a prove that i did it.
a proof that i did it on my own, without external help, with just my own efforts.
prove for what?
prove that if you really really really want something you work hard for it.
it's not as simple as opening your mouth and asking for it.
it is actions over talk.
OKAY?
and neither is it as simple as opening up your palms and it will unfold.
nono things doesn't work like this.
it actually worries me a little. or maybe alot.
should he meet a huge obstacle in the future, how will he respond.
because he hadn't had any huge huge obstacles in his entire life.
it worries me because usually when this happens to people like that, they take it alot harder than those who have had their fair share before.
not that i have had alot of obstacles.
but like right now, my largest obstacle was never one for him.
studies too, so many obstacles in my life cos i was never good at studies.
even making friends/socialising.
he has it without lifting a finger.
his humour attract butterflies swoooooning over.
i don't have that, i wish i could have that too cos i would like to have more butterflies swooning over me too.
definitely feel great doesn't?
and neither do i have charisma also.
like what R said i really don't know what i have.
lelel roll my own eyes.
but ya lo, 我们自己 jiayou ba (:
we can get this, we can do it.
pray more, look out more.
it will come.
time will pass, maybe it's just good things are worth the wait.
that's what i say now, but i may feel slightly dejected too.
but nonetheless, you know, still determined.

today we tried.
i'm so glad we tried.
very happy indeed.
not overly happy tho.
because it ended so goddamn late.
like freaking helllll.
i can't complain and wouldn't really complain if the next day was sat, but tues?
thinking twice.
we had 50 mins of call time.
record breaking leh.
legit.
i was thinking of only 30 to 45 for him.
cos that's usually the case.
really really amazed.
applaud.
chalanda.
BUT.
IMMEDIATELY after/when we were about to end, he was really hanging on lose thread.
like a dying patient left with his last breath and otherwise need resuscitation already.
exactly what i didn't want to see happening.
even tho he performed so well.
thumbs up.
but wa.
why so xinku.
but all i can say is, with such working hours and wanting to strike a balance between work and life is already hard enough.
let alone work and social life and a r/s.
it is hell definitely.
it would be a struggle for sure.
even for me too, sure struggle like mad.
oh i forgot to ask, enjoyable? enjoyed?
curious is me.
still wondering how the experience was because it wasn't detailed enough.
very brief and alot of 带过 as usual.
the "no need to go into specifics" method when clearly there were more within that slow dinning period of few hours.

i guess for me it really is okay, as long as i have something to entertain me.
otherwise its just hell cos it will be just scrolling through phone, rolling on bed waiting for replies.
1 minute feels long enough already let alone waiting for 10 mins but coming to nothing.
tho 10 mins isn't that long.
but you get what i mean.
but even today i had things to do, time didn't seem to pass that quickly as i expected either.
but i guess good start.
more to come?
we shall see.
if your actions have the capability to convince me and prove what i predicted wrongly, come straight at me.
i would welcome that with both arms.
as for now, i am only 20% convinced.
because of the very last part, and i've yet to see the out come of the carried forward tiredness in the week.
BUT i have to say, his efforts today were really commendable.
jl approved.
thumbs up.

from morning support to night performance.
really.
baik ahhh.
very very very very much appreciated.
thankewwwww big bun!
can't tell you how appreciative i am and how grateful i am.

one final part.

this.

this post.

whatever i said above, i did it. 

i did it 2 years later.

ain't i good at predicting.

it comes true. 

i shall go be fortune teller hurhurhur.