sorrie sorrie night

supposed to be sleeping.
ended up scrolling through Google photos.
wanted to check how much I can back date and how much it actually back up.
turn out you can track all the way to 2012.
amazing.
then scrolling and scrolling.
saw all the ss I had.
so glad I ss them.
all our past convo.
and then suddenly felt so sad.
that I shouldn't be crying but I did.
all these ss will always be a reminder of how you can't turn back time and how honeymoon period was.
it's sad cos the dynamics changed so much.
and trust me to keep all those to heart.
was I not suppose to?
because they were just sweet nothings to capture and make my heart fuzzy?
then after these words are done making me feel this way they are supposed to be thrown in the bin and forgotten?
it's exactly all these exchanges that shaped us.
exactly all these exchanges that breaks me really bad when those nasty logical reasoning and words are used now.
it's just really really sad.

making time out of our own will no matter how busy no matter how tired.
than "I'm really tired today and totally wasn't expecting such outburst, if we nv meet it wouldn't happen".
ss like sorry baobei for the mia, thankew for not *inserts cute girl throwing tantrum sticker*.
than "you think I go there to play? how many times must I tell you that I'm going to work and am working and it is not a playground, or do you think I do nothing but goof around"
ouch ouch ouch ouch.
99% of the time of my ss, he says he misses me.
and it's like such a baby makes you want to hold him tight and sayang him.
rarely say such things now.
I guess it's true. the transitions.
the I miss you and I love you.
they will just keep getting lesser.

funny how last time words could keep a relationship alive.
so sweeet.
no time and not enough time.
too tired but all was good.
tiredness still remains but time isn't a factor now.
idk.

it's just that whenever I read back and think about current situations, can't help but sigh and feel heart ache and sometimes I just cry.
always feel that it is a pity that honeymoon ended so quickly, and always feel sad about it.
and feeling sad about how much things changed.

just read the past exchanges and thought of all the nasty things he said, how different it is.
was appreciated for bring constant there, to appreciated for rather NOT being there and disturbing.
from appreciating on sharing through sending long texts to stop sending.
it's really funny how the sweetest period and sweetest exchanges could turn into something so bitter and sad and heart breaking.
the power behind it.
是我变了吗?

and...it makes me wonder if all these years those efforts and perseverance were worth it because should your attitude change just because you are in a new environment, then who exactly am I to you?
from someone who has and was nothing to one who achieved good education results and regxonized by superior.
but sadly that attitude did changed, just that it made a comeback thankfully.
but yeah.

such a sad night but can't help but to keep reading and scrolling.
and how much he cherished our htht, and appreciated me for that no matter how tired or busy I was.
to now, wanting to skip it cos tired.
well.
at this kinda juncture there really isn't much I can do when I've already been putting in all my effort this whole time, choosing to stay on even tho we both know clearly my dislike and objections to the job and the misery I have to put myself through.
sometimes I really dk how much more I can give when I have already landed in such a plight.
heart that is broken so many times before and continues to get broken. but still scotch taped back as a whole.
I just feel that I've changed or gone through from a pure untainted being to one who is polluted and tainted throughout the years.
can't emphasize how heartbrewking this is making me feeel at such hours.

"just now when you go toilet they ask when we together. they before enlist together then is the girl for you."
really? would you still believe in that now that youve grown up or mature more.
so what then.
best gf to fav girl.
1 month of fun to neglected love.
start of work to major change of attitudes.

I actually miss all those selfies.
daily selfies we would call it.
sending each other before our start of the day.
doing that to get through the week cos only could meet on weekends.
well.
it's once in a blue moon now that I get one, voluntarily.
not under my request.
and in actual fact he was the one who demands it more so I kept sending.
and now it's me who wants it.
so funny isn't.
but even till now seeing and receiving selfies still makes me go fuzzy probably because of this reason.
this reason of selfie daily built up behind it

4am.
haven't seen this timing for damn long.
how to get up tmr morning.
time for bed.
the night is still sorrowful.
hurhur.