laughable

reason why I absolutely dislike dinner, gathering whatever.
ultimately I will be at the receiving end.
and ultimately I will be the one who stand to lose, not to gain.
at the end of the day, I am the one who is compromised. 

he tired = no energy to htht = wait so long for fuck.
definitely didn't waited so long to hear a dead fish.
neither did I wait so long for a bloody 30 mins.
you enjoyed yourself, had good dinner, had good laugh, while all I did was to wait.
which part of it was worth the waiting time? 
even if I extended the talking time, what's the point.
feels like I waited to hear his voice that's all.
on the surface talks.

then at the end of the day, what's there to complain?

and what's there to ask for? 

htht, checked. 1 min also considered right? 

neglect, zero. checked.

updates, checked. 

complain = unappreciative.

complain = that was the best he could gave, what else more do i want? 

tried so hard and did my ultimate best to put on my best behaviour.

waited without complains.

waited till i almost fell asleep even. 

zero appreciation.

cos too tired. 

all he expects is just me to wait, me to be good, me not to rage. 

then all i get is 30 mins.

in return for the long night and noon.

in return for the long night he spent the compulsory energy on his colleagues.

to my pathetic 30 mins.

i think i'm the dog.

this is so funneh. 

be a good dog, fetch when you need to, no barking.

ya i am the real dog, woof woof. 

you realised it is always: late/delayed talk times = shorter talking time too? 

why?

cos tired.

should have known tho. 

it's not that i am unappreciative.

i thanked every single effort he has put in, appreciated every single effort he has put in. 

later never thank/appreciate, he will start getting back at me "can't you see the efforts i'm putting in?, do so much for what, at the end of the day you still unhappy and i'm treated like shit"

really? i think shit gets worst.

but that is one of my flaws, i don't speak up or appreciate like that.

when i appreciate it, i do it with my heart.

i do it here. here are the revelations of everything deep down inside. 

i enjoyed the night too, i'm happy that he is happy. 

i'm happy and reassured that he finally did it.

and we finally did it.

it felt like an achievement unlocked. 

was secretly loving it tho, all the updates and replies and all.

chuwa max.  

and all the care and concerns shown and given and not just pictures pictures pictures or updates updates updates only.

there was a perfect balance.

minus the alcohol part AGAIN, the part that was untold for whatever reasons, AGAIN.  

but i wonder if it would be the same if it's not 2 boring people (maybe not anymore) seated beside him.

but on my part, feels like whatever i did was taken for granted.

like i'm expected to do it. 

in any case, just feel very 很不滋味

我真的很可笑。

why isit that last time i could wait without complains?

even tho our call times was only 15 mins? 

because it was all we had. 

can't complain.

die also will talk, unlike now, can make do without it, intentions of cancelling it. cos tired. want to sleep early. 

we could have 2 hour now, it doesn't really matter, because you still can have 1hr the next day.

we could have 2 hour now, but nope because tired.

then why last time so tired also can be so determined? 

cos different circumstances.

以前是宝现在是屎。

以前不可以失去现在可以了。

last time it was hard, alot of physical energy.

now, alot of brain energy. 

other than very busy, minus the specifics, it's hard for me to understand or be understanding.

tho staying out till so late after a long day ofc tired.

but i'm not the one who made it compulsory, so all i could do on my part is to let him sleep. 

nvm about htht. nvm about the short talk.

nvm about how i feel. 

nvm about me getting compromised. 

委屈也无所谓。

at the end of the day, once again, him being tired leads to mood swings leads to short temper, leads to me having to face each and everything. 

you think he will flare at his colleagues? never. 

it's me who get it, why?

cos i am the one who chuay daiji when i don't get the attention i should be deserving or needed.

should i not chuay daiji and just keep quiet? 

yes. i should have known everything.

but knowing is not equivalent to understanding. 

i can know all about it without him saying, and i will just keep quiet and not get in his way. 

then ultimately, does he know? 

will i understand without him saying anything at all?

but he won't get his comfort because i am not understanding anything at all. 

and him being tired, piles up to the rest of the week, it only gets worst not better.

isn't only right for me to give in and cut some slack?

such as not meet, and let him rest? 

我真的怕了。

if i give in to his request, there will definitely be consequences.

like...next time i get blasted at for "that time i so tired still insist to meet what"

i don't want man. i scared.

i rather i be sad and disappointed also can, and i just don't give in to his request.

you see, it's a chain reaction. 

whatever happens, i am at the end of the chain reaction.

已经很苦了，不需要再让自己更痛苦。

and. i don't even dare to rely anymore.

cos tired enough. busy enough.

i rather rely on myself.

tho i was told to rely on him no matter what, because he will always be there.

don't want.

i scared. 

his tiredness is a very scary thing.

i have experienced it too many times. 

and his busy-ness too. knowing that he is busy enough, still want go disturb?

what shitty gf is that? 

through the week, there were so many instances where i picked up my phone and started typing out a message to him, asking for help.

but deleted it because it would be in the way of his work. 

"make time." don't want. i scared.

that time could be of better use like sleep more. 

i really, have learnt my lessons. 

it's not once bitten twice shy.

it like umpteenth bitten shy until kennut.

you know, i would make do away with ALL meet ups and htht if i could.

i couldn't.

maybe next challenge for myself is to do that.  

then maybe i might get back my title of best gf. 

don't need meet, don't need talk, won't pester, be understanding, no rage. 

purfect. 

now there's another reason to feel sad for.

from someone who was your pillar to someone who you don't even dare to lean on.

how did I even feel like that even?

in his company he is reliable resourceful and initiative.

in my eyes he is too, but I can't afford to use it.

cos too pricey.

I can only watch and admire.

and let the company credit him for his capabilities.

我真的真的怕怕了。

you dk when any words will start stabbing into your heart and let you bleed to death.

I don't want to be stabbed anymore.

I will be careful with how I feel and how I act.

I will walk with caution and I will have my reservations and I will think twice.

I will only pour in here, my private space where I will not be judged and neither will I be stabbed.

last time "dear wait for me okie"

"thankew dear dear for waiting even tho you so tired／busy"

now? 

time for bed.

rest well nights love you. 

KO.

"tired also cnt, tired also wrong, everything also my fault"

me said nothing at all.

"feels so shitty"

like i don't? 

i really dk how i should be reacting.

and i also dk how to put how i'm feeling into words.

and neither can i justify properly this feeling i'm feeling.

definitely can't rage, at all. nothing to rage about

neither can i complain, at all. nothing to complain about.

can't cry either, then that would be my 4th/5th time in a week.

record breaking. 

然后呢？这些委屈往哪里抛？

心里吧。。

only can understand and be understanding on my part.

这些委屈自己撑吧。

but can i not feel that it's just a little disappointing?

刺刺的。

30 mins later, after all the wait, i'm all alone again.

feeling even lonelier than before. 

等了那么久，又是我一个人了。

因为那个人累崩了。

feeling silly too. 

so silly. 

好傻好傻。

真的是傻乎乎。

跟以前一样，每一次的等待，我都觉得自己好傻。

傻的可怜，傻的无药可救。

then also thinking about all the things i was supposed to say but didn't manage to because i was too concerned asking for specifics and getting filled up.

- C, workout, 23

and all the things he was supposed to share but didn't.

the untold.

the forgotten.

and no longer important. 

it doesn't matter the next day.

because the tiredness is piled up. 

really, what should i do even?

seems like everything is wrong. 

crying is wrong, feeling this way is wrong.

but i'm not a robot. 

i am only human. 

well it all will pass. 

just a very minor issue. 

don't harp on it.

he did his best.

you did your best. 

we both tried. 

i can't ask for more.

he did his most.

哭过就好了。

只是酸酸的。

有点委屈的。

有点小难过的。

原来都是假象。😢😢😢😢

不要再为了往事落泪了。

心会很痛的。

可是就是会难过，怎么办。

好纠结。

还是会很怀念那些年的他和我们。

只是永远都不会再从来了。

有那个男孩爱着那个女孩。

哭的好累好累了啊。