the cat and his owner

2nd day in a row. 😊
I don't even deserve 1hr.
不可笑吗?
会笑哭人的呢。
same feelz again.
can't cry anymore.
since this morning there wasn't any more tears left.
maybe we should change to morning htht?
since he could get up so early.
right?
doesn't matter if I'm not the morning person.
I can sacrifice.
and not listen to a dead fish.
really freaking damn sian and disappointing.
wait so long, look forward whole day, when you finally thought the precious chance to catch up and spend time together, then the voice just kills everything I was hoping and looking forward to.
having to plan everything carefully.
think through each step with caution for fear of an explosion because already tired enough no need anymore shit.
talk main points only. cos really can't give no shit bout you.
already blinking red the battery.

understand that we can't meet.
impossible in fact.
understand that you are tired.
so all im asking for is just a good proper 1hr talk.
not even asking for more.
and I'm not even worth that proper good 1hr talk.
then I've reached my max to be understanding.
thinking that it will be better today, since you could afford to get up so early despite the fact that you were dropped dead the night before.
should have known la.
that it will never get better.
it piles up only.
even making do away with meet ups.
so funny right?
anniv, no point really.
I refuse to allow myself land in that plight of forcing ppl to meet me then being so tired.
I rather be pathetic and sour about it and rot at home getting nagged.
no matter how much I think about it i still feel very unfair.
more than 8hrs a day, you could talk to whoever.
asking for only an hr, tired.
can listen to blasting. evaluate people's performance.
I'm worth less than those.
我什么都不如。
因为我什么都不是。

talk at 10pm okay?
so promising.
if I knew, really if I knew, I would push for the earlier timing.
probably that little bit of energy left was enough for an hour.
do away with the understanding that he needs his rolling alone time.
understood, what's compromised?
me again lo.
I find it funny really.
that I could cry.
then why for be so understanding?
when at the end of the day he don't even see your worth.
don't even see how much you were struggling.
didn't see 为了了解体谅要受这么多的委屈。
何苦呢?

"anything else you want to tell me?"
plenty.
but for what?
for what when you are least interested in the convo, for what when you kicked me away to anyone else with the least interest, for what when all you could think of is to sleep?
and for what when anything I would have to tell is just unimportant, the least regard compared to sleep compared to work compared to things that really requires and deserves your energy? example compulsory dinners and meetings and work.
Im not even anything that deserve any of such energy leh.
哪里敢呢?
有话说，听到死气沉沉的声音，你觉得我还敢说些什么呢?
还敢拖延还敢把你留住吗?
我什么都不是呢大哥。

今天就不说了。(but still ended up typing so much. so silly is me.)
只是彻底失望。
I don't need you to find me a job, I need you to stop being so tired and give me the time and attention I deserve for giving in all I can.
skipping meet ups, not flaring up at all, abiding every single thing you said and being my best to understand and be understanding.
you realise there's only this much I can do, I can't keep giving in when all I get is nothing.

hurhur I'm so wrong.
the tears found a way back.
because my mind thought of something.
thought of how pathetic I am.
and how much a "sorry baby bull I'm really very tired, thankew for your understanding, patience and effort, appreciate it. promise I will make it up to you." would make everything tonnes better.
or even "sorry baobei if I've neglected you in one way or another, pls forgive me. things have been really busy and hard. ):" would have melted me so much and made me relented and make everything so worth it.
he forgot.
he completely forgot.
he have taken it for granted already.
that it is only right for me to wait, only right that I deserve only 36 mins, only right that he sleeps.
and above all, demanding for massages.
I find it ridiculous. I'm your gf for heaven's sake. I'm not your maid who waits on you at home.
being undeserving of your time, but you still want a massage from someone who is so worthless.
我到底是什么?
好可悲.

so this is how I'm being treated when he is tired.
I understand.
I'm tummy worm how could I not understand?
truly understood.
and also rejection right at my face.
ouch.
probably didn't even need to ask nor discuss.
did it because it's a relationship, I respect.
I really naively thought that he would go.
傻呼呼的女人是不是很可笑?
it's disappointing and very heart breaking because I was just pushed around like a football.
kicked right away.
far far away.
cos I'm just nothing.
I see that there's zero interest, and he doesn't even pretend to be interested.
not getting the support i naively thought would be there as always, heart breaking indeed.
cos I don't even deserve the support.

第几次了?
七次了吗?
I'm really very sad.
and I think I deserve more than this.
i could have thrown shit at him but I didn't. I took it back stuff it in my mouth and swallow it in.
then shit still gets thrown on me.
and I could only wipe it away without any complains.
all I can do now is hug my bolster tight and stop wetting my pillow case.
so damn sadded that the attention i receive was barely 50% the attention he put into his work.
then work so hard for what when at the end of the day you end up letting your loved ones feel the neglect.

you know what?
let's just skip it altogether.
I'm quite done being a burden.
skip htht. it gets in the way of your precious sleeping time.
and don't bother replying.
since it obstructs your work so much.
that when you work you still need to worry about not replying and need to check phone.
just go and focus all you want.
I'm really done here and I refuse to let myself be the burden or obstruction or obstacle anymore.
and I'm really done with waiting and heartbreak and my undeserving 30 mins.
while all that's left is tired and busy.
done.

and this noon I was just thinking, if this is the better life he promises, I rather be poor and lead a bad life with my weekend bf.
weekend bf 不会让我那么委屈。
还有 weekend bf 很疼我，因为我是他的全世界。
weekend bf 他很棒。
不会让我伤心难过也不会让我心碎。
weekend bf 他也很甜，每次让我的心很温暖，从来不会让我冷冰冰。
weekend bf 很穷，但是我们根本就不缺乏什么。
而且 weekend bf 心里嘴里脑里惦记着说着想着的都是他的爱人。
weekend bf 很忙， 没时间陪我。但没关系，因为我知道不管他在做什么他都会把我放第一。因为我是他的小公主，不是像现在的大便。
weekend bf 很喜欢我，我也喜欢他，爱死我了，还会温柔细心的捧我在他手心 不让我受到任何的伤害。
weekend bf 常常说没有我他不知道怎么过。
weekend bf 也曾经说我是 aiai. 他说把 aiai 打成拼音， 那就是爱爱。
傻乎乎的也没关系， 因为weekend bf 就是喜欢这样傻呼呼的一个女孩。
想念他吗?
很想。常常都会想。
我很想我的 weekend bf. 因为他是我这辈子最好的男朋友。
只是他早已走远，永远都不会再回来。
也需一切都是幻想的，也许一切只是个美梦。
那时的你说，要和我手牵手。

like a cat who broke the milk jar and spilled the milk.
but fret not because the owner will pick up the shattered pieces, glue it back and pour back some milk if she could find, and give it back to the cat.
the cat don't need to do anything at all.
and the cat is used to being treated like that.
spill something, break something, someone will fix it for him.
the best the cat could do is just purr and lick his owner, thinking that this would make the owner feel better for fixing the mess.
but the cat doesnt realise that once something breaks it will never be the same again.
the cat also doesn't realise the effort behind required to fix things each and everytime he breaks something.
when clearly, all the cat could do is drink his milk carefully and protect his glass jar.
but he love having it rough so he is always pulling stunts around his milk jar, and thus the milk jar breaks all the time.

你可以对全世界好，但是如果连心爱的人都做不到，那你在好也没有用。
你可以把工作同时当爱人，但最终这些爱人绝对不会在你身旁支持你。
都说了那么多，懂得就懂了。
忽略的也被忽略了。
我也投降了。
两天的恶梦 我够了。
这两天教会我，其实我什么都不是。
什么都不如。
付出了这么多，换来的是委屈忽略和一个nobody.

心好痛好痛。
好委屈。
泪怎么不停的流。
好伤心。
好心碎。
好过份。
哭的好累。
好委屈
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
💔💔💔💔