and a lil demotivated.
feeling sad about myself. ):
like just randomly thinking and wondering, what qualities do i possess.
pretty also not very pretty.
i saw the book that bueller bought me.
幸好我不是满分的女生。
这有什么好幸好的呢？
maybe need to read to find out.
qualities wise..R already analysed for me.
nothing.
what happened to the praises years ago?
when a senior chemist told me that i was kind and hardworking, and i would go far.
but i'm stuck down here.
stuck in the mud again.
and keep on wondering how.
if still cnt find job how.
where do i go, where do i start again?
是不是回落到那种什么都可以的地步？
like any jobs come, just accept it?
but i also not so suibian.
but sometimes when you wait too long you become desperate and you just settle for less.
and also.
大年初四，everyone back to work, back to school.
they sian cos cny holidays ended just like that.
i feel equally sian too.
because nan de got long holidays and holidays on weekdays, and finally everyone is as free as me and experiencing the boredom i face everyday.
but now, they are back to their routine but i'm just back to nothing.
and i'm all alone again.
sigh.
then again the feeling of looking for jobs every single day is so sian also, and so not motivating at all.
go out also nobody go out with.
everyone is working.
sad life.
i need a routine too.
halp..
i need a temp job, a really temp one.
one that i can leave anytime, and don't need to commit at all.
i can't really think of one.
koi and starbucks both require training, by the time i finish training maybe work few days then need leave liao?
and also wondering..maybe i should just go back to the industry i'm familiar with.
this industry that i am seeking for, might be way too challenging for a fresh grad like me.
the experiences i had were useless and i don't even have any intern.
but back to the industry i was from, means far far west again.
i don't want.
then how.
east, only got 1.
and i think cmi already.
so sad.
my dream company.
the thing is, like what dad said, business industry you get big names but mediocre pay.
manufacturing industry you get small names but big pay.
for me, i want big name because i am egoistic.
but i'm broke now so big pay sounds good too.
then i saw bueller sending my snap just now.
with him and those 2 babies.
i just met him but seeing his face again with habobo makes me miss them.
like all 3 of them.
idk it's a weird feeling i get whenever i see bueller face in snaps.
its the kinda warm fuzzy hehe feeling to see his face but the kind where it makes you miss the person also cos you are seeing him behind a screen?
but nonetheless it is definitely a good substitute for not being able to see face to face.
then like that wed and thurs how.
so sian also.
and really need find something to entertain myself.
otherwise confirm wait until neck long long and rage again.
zzzzzzzzzz.
its that unbearable feeling of loneliness.
like even tho i'm attached, i still feel very much single kinda feeling?
date nights yes, look forward yes, used to that short meet up yes.
but it's just very routine and it still feels meaningless.
leaving house for that short while, for dinner.
idk.
and it's really weird, tho already slowly adapting, but just sometimes, occasionally, wishing that your special someone was there or could spend a little more time.
like to take away the feeling of loneliness.
idk izzit because it is in the middle of the night now or what.
but it's really getting into me, like deep down the realisation all these while.
how lonely i really am, and how much i just want someone to be there to pei me.
even now, when everyone is asleep because they have work and school tmr. and it's just me.
even my sisters, they have school.
ahbang, school too.
friends, busy with work too.
or do i even have any friends?
J was saying randomly, i have very few friends, only close ones.
indeed.
i've lost one, for whatever reason (s).
then at the end of the day, who do i have left?
nobody.
as much as i like having time alone, i dislike being alone.
i'm very much saddened by the fact that it's me against the whole world.
and it's me again who has all the time in the entire world.
the night is so short, and the day is so long.
the day terrifies me.
because there is nothing to keep me occupied.
and it just makes me feel extremely lonely.
everyone is busy and tired, except me.
i'm tired of being nothing.
it's so sad that i'm struggling with nothing.
and it is so not me.
i just feel completely out of track.
i'm not the motivated me, who challenges myself.
who enjoys being busy.
who enjoys being a workaholic.
who rarely knocks off on time.
who does OT like nobody's business.
then again, at the end of the day, who is really there or who really cares how i truly feel?
these aren't words i tell or rant to busy people who have their routine daily.
while there's just me watching people, cars, hours, minutes and seconds go pass.
and how much will they understand?
because they have their own stuff to do.
they will just find me an annoyance.
waiting for everyone's reply, and everyone is just slow cos they are busy.
then when i rage i get the blame.
but do they know how lonely and bored i was?
that the only thing i could do was to wait for their reply?
pathetic right?
then getting responses such as was having class, was doing work.
like i didn't knew?
i feel sad reading what i just typed too, and i feel sad that i am this sad and lonely.
it feels depressing that it makes one cry at how lonely one is.
i know there are people out there who desperately wants my current life, of having nothing to do.
and i know that i should cherish this while i can, before society robs me away.
but it's pretty unbearable.
that idek what to do myself.
and it is even more shitty, to know that your other half is enjoying himself at work, having entertainments after work and all.
but all you do here is to wait for him to reply and update and get back home then talk to you.
then when that time comes, you have already got tired of waiting, and he has already gotten tired from a long day.
then how?
真可悲。
这些心里话，你们永远不知道也不会体会到。
then if that's the case, doesn't give me enough reason to flare up?
if only a job or say a part time job was so easy to get?
says those who didn't even put in half the amount of effort i've put in.
do you know how gek sim it was, to see that exasperated tone and face saying with a sigh: "then do you want to consider getting a part time job?"
filling in the particulars for one company can take up few hours, then plus looking through all the job offerings, all the considerations.
should i do this, what will i sacrifice.
nightly htht?
previously, somebody said all my decisions revolve around my baobei.
now, the same somebody told me now that he got tired of it.
but isn't what i've been doing now and all the time too?
getting reprimanded but doing things that makes him happy.
there will never be a win win situation.
and every job i see, working criteria, doesn't revolve around him too?
all the considerations, location.
chances are, he won't leave his beloved mum, not in neartime.
which means his location is fixed.
mine is still a variable.
so jobs that are too far away, i really wouldn't want to consider.
because that would compromise our time together.
if i were to go back to my industry, it's definitely JE, joo koon, woodlands kinda area.
then working shifts again, idk how it would work out.
seeing that right now he is doing office hours.
i wouldn't want to take a bet on it.
reason why i've been looking into all the jobs i could find near to him.
so that should i get hired and should we get really busy, we could at least meet for short lunch or cut down on travelling time.
doesn't this shows that it still revolves around him?
but what did i get in return?
嫌弃。
不是我变，是他变。
大便。
你知道这是一件多么心酸的事吗？
which was partially why the reason i cried so hard when i saw all our exchanges last time.
seems like with a full time job, it changed him completely.
cos no time, cos tired.
so i became nothing.
poooooof. vanished.
and it still breaks me whenever i think of it.
因为明显的显出从宝到屎。
how many times have i cried this week?
sigh.
3rd or 4th time i think.
last tue, last wed, today.
i cried during v day last year.
i cried again this year.
i thought the same thing wouldn't happen again.
it happened again.
on a larger scale.
it was very disappointing.
and i even got misunderstood.
and i hate being misunderstood.
it makes me feels wronged.
and i don't like to feel wronged.
it makes me feel like i was taking the blame that wasn't even done by me.
that wasn't even the intended outcome.
which is why i think right now, i still need to walk carefully.
when all i wanted was to share, it turned out to become a vent for frustrations.
but it's good that is is out.
it is clear that nothing should be expected.
and like all married couples who don't celebrate this day (there are those who still do, they are the ones i truly admire and husbands who really deserve a big thumbs up), i will have nothing other than a dinner. or maybe not even anymore.
如果现在都不肯给，真的不知道以后怎么办。
1st year, in camp nvm.
2nd year, was on my night shift. it was the best? he tried giving me a surprise in his boot, then we went to nassim hill. and he sent me to work. purrrfect date. doesn't matter for night shift.
3rd year, can't really rmb.
4th year, played the entire day plus fish head dinner which we snatched. so fun.
5th year, kamoshita.
i just thought that as the years goes by, it will get better because all of our firsts were spoiled thanks to wgt. 5th year already..still like that. tell me how not to get disappointed?
but it doesn't mean that you work hard for the following year then the rest of your life you can nua what.
you need to keep up with your hard work isn't?
i posted this years ago.
before i was attached.
the unromantic dad doesn't do such things, so i decided to do something.
so i did this.
in the end after much persuasion to at least get her something, he got her a diamond necklace.
and i think that was one of her best v day ever.
all i'm trying to say is. i don't want bouquet.
i don't need bouquet.
i don't need you to spend so much for a day like this, because like what you said it makes it meaningless.
which i totally agree. it also makes it meaningless to have it late too.
but is it that hard to just want to receive flowers on this day just like every single girl out there?
1 stalk is fine, you wrap a brocoli also fine.
i just want 1 flower, that's all.
i'm not asking for diamonds, i'm not asking for gifts, i'm not even asking for cards.
and didn't we agreed last year? that a complete v day means, flowers plus a meal, while a card or a balloon is optional and not compulsory?
i should go dig out my post.
100% sure i said that, and he said okok next year he will make sure he get it.
then comes this year, firstly negotiate with the date to give cos pricey. that was okay.
then after that forgot all about it then next day started venting.
it's also not everyday that i demand a flower from you, neither is it weekly that i demand one from you. and neither isit monthly that i demand one.
my question is: 有这么难吗？
which was why i was really so upset hearing every single word.
and i really thought he would have came more prepared this year seeing how he booked in advance our dinner place.
and back to the analogy i used.
like a kid on children's day, i don't even want any soft toy or toys, i only want a goodie bag like all other kids who receives it from teacher/schools. because toys are exp.
it is the reason why on xmas you have turkey and xmas tress, on cny you have cny goodies.
and on v day, you have flowers. but not bouquet because they are way too pricey. it is even okay if you find cheap ones.
just give me one to commemorate this day.
okay?
even if you made a paper one i would love it to.
because it is the effort that counts.
having nothing just feels as weird as not having turkey on xmas and no cny goodies or gambling on cny.
and what? gf day?
i will make sure from now on v day is a bf day.
i will make sure to step up the game so you can't even catch up and you will feel worst for saying every single thing you said and for treating me like an unworthy piece of trash who doesn't even deserve a flower and who is asking too much for just wanting to have ONE flower.
and no, i am not rich but i am sincere.
when i am set to do something i go all out.
v day is a day you show your love to your loved ones, tho everyday is v day if you want, but with such a hectic life on what normal days would you go get a flower and treat your girl to a nice meal?
chances are 10% maybe.
not talking about birthdays or anything.
then if that's the case those random surprises day where i bought an item or wrote a card or carepack cooked, what does that count?
we both give each other surprises just that yours is of bigger value while mine were alot of small items along the way through our daily routine life.
and the reason why i always do that, because surprises lights up one's life.
and it keeps the spark on going.
it is not that i am not appreciative, but while i am being appreciative, i am also doing my own part in paying back the amount of good you have given me and the amount of love you have gave me.
but sometimes it feels damn not worth because at times like that i wonder why did i bother in the first place if i'm going to get so much shit thrown back in my face like i haven't done anything but the thing is i've done so much ever since we got together.
and recently, i have to admit. these has died down a little because i am currently running low on funds.
but wait for it, wait till i get my funds. you wait.
rmb obs? rmb the Polaroid and short note i wrote?
there were really so many things i did that i can't even rmb, where does those count then?
what did you did then?
all the wgt stuff, which i could comprehend.
and promising things will get better.
if things will get better then why was there the outbreak even.
treat me right, not break me with things you couldn't get done or things you didn't do.
but for one thing i have been very thankful for, is that every single occasion we celebrate together right now, it is a blessing indeed.
because our firsts were all the occasions we spent apart and wishing we could do it together.
2014 vs 2018.
same same but different.
2014 was said with missing tone, and purely to inform.
he even bothered asking what i was going to do, signs of concerns.
2018?
was i need to do this this, better don't complain/rage if i never reply you because i already told you so.
zero signs of concerns. simply "kthkxbye"
i'm not even married yet leh.
now i understand why the vast difference btw married couple vs dating couples.
i'm already experiencing it now.
just that it hasn't gotten that bad yet.
so sad leh.
why like that one.
i had this just ytd.
was so fuzzy i was kicking my blanket with glee.
it's a rarity.
so i really cherish such texts now.
texts that makes me smile.
not texts that makes me cry.
i'm not anymore.
idk.
seeing what happened when i was awake during that bad morning.
i'm constant. he is change.
"and i feel very less cared and concerned for.like, so many instances.the past him would have relented and cared so much more.example, there was this day where he ended school early and he was home early like 3/4 plus?whereas i had school till almost 6.30pm.that day, it was raining cats and dogs.and as usual, we do our live updates.i told him that class ended and i left sch etc.apparently it was raining on his side too.so anw, i didn't replied because i was walking and holding the umbrella.school to cc line, around 10 to 15 mins.once i replied, the next second he called asking if i was okay because the rain was so heavy.asked if i was wet and all, told me to dry myself.i was wet even with brolly, the weather and air con was cold, but my heart felt so warm.R was with me when it happened, and she was so envious of me for having someone like that.it's hard to even get such a warm simple concern right now.because he is too preoccupied to notice small things like that, let alone show any concern.it really stings tho, now.
i just feel that i'm no longer taken into high regards, no longer that someone who is really that important."
"tears are unspoken words. because sometimes the pain hurts too much you don't even know how to begin."
rmb the above?
i posted that some time ago.
and i chanced upon the ss i took when that happened.
so sweet right?
see, i have evidences. it's not based on pure memory or i anyhow tell a fairytale.
those were the days he would have gotten the best bf award for the day.
so fuzzy wazzy.
so lovable.
getting harder now.
cos i don't really know what he wants.
then also recently, just last sat, he just very randomly placed his hands across my shoulders.
and happened to touch my ear.
then he asked me: eh? nv wear your earring?
was so happy he noticed such small details that i was stuttering when i answered his question.
it's such a tiny detail but he realised.
what a happy girl i am.
and those times he notice my clothes, i love itttt.
new clothes, or clothes that i haven't worn for a long long time, he will notice. (:
chuwa.
and that day during v day, the moment he met me, his eyes lit up and he told me this dress very nice.
waaaaaaaaaa totally makes my day.
😍😍😍
😊😊😊
😁😁😁
you see? it doesn't even require or take up much effort to make your girl happy.
哄女人不难， 要不要而已。
if a girl can be happy with you when you had nothing and no time for her (only WEEKEND BF), and when you only had sweet nothings to tell her, basically just words, how difficult would it be to please her or make her happy on a daily basis?
you tell me?
and as vice versa, if you could tahan and understand back then wgt, how difficult isit for you to understand and tahan now?
it isn't that difficult either.
it's just that for both parties, right now, there are many external factors.
it's just up to you to see how you want to deal with or block out the external factors, cos at the end of the day it still boils down to the both of you minus the external factors.
oh and there was this day where we sat at the platform and just having htht lime girls do.
I was so happy to be his listening ear and likewise for him too.
but it's not everyday that you have such htht.
but in any case I was honoured and really glad that he confided in me.
and I cherished that moment very much.
listening attentively, and tho we both knew it was really late but we didn't wanted to break the deep conversation we were having.
and if this was the least form of support I could do for him, it makes me useful and fufiling of my role as his gf. (:
and all above sad things aside.
today I was actually happy me.
as in afternoon. despite the unhappiness at home.
this was me taking an awkward selfie at stb.
me time doing my work.
having a cuppa that I hadn't had for the longest time.
and being a lucky girl having found my lobster maki.
and having my personal private space.
so near to my baby.
and just doing my work chilling and waiting for him to knock off.
and just very happy, like newfound happiness coming from me myself.
he was busy and he didn't reply but I wasn't even annoyed nor angry.
so you see, it isn't everytime that I flare up when I wait super long or when we meet after work.
it's just those occasional rage, why?
because pms.
justifies?
yes ofc.
and he justified his actions straightaway today.
what did he get?
sayang cos he say he headache too.
and he bothered caring and asking about me.
and despite him being busy there were still pretty much endearment and concerns along the way like where is my bueller now.
hehehehe chuwaaa.
YOU SEEEE. 还不简单吗???
and plus he cheong right after work.
still huff and puff when he snuggle up to me.
hehehehehe.
ofc I welcome my huffy puffy buellee after work even tho he smelly smelly hahaha.
my Sealy bueller. ♡♡♡
and our private time after work.
so nicee.
can hughug. hehehe.
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