always me

izzit k night hurhurhur.
watching my hammies and singing aloud at such hours.
but it felt good hahaha.
finished my book in 1 and a half days?
claps.
back to normal reading speed.
next challenge is to complete my CHINESE books that bueller bought for me hahaha.
but before that maybe one more english book first.
readers commented that "everyone needs a caleb in their life".
i have to agree partially.
but, he is too good to bully.
but, unless you have a gf like red, otherwise it is pretty impractical in reality context.
so, before this picture below, the bf was upset with the gf that she didn't tell him an issue she faced but told another guy instead.

my heart hurt too, when i read this part.

because it was all i felt whenever i see him and her together.

it felt exactly that way, and finally someone has put it out in words.

as couples, we find comfort in one another. our presence makes each other feel better and in comfort, not tired, not stressed. ): 

i still feel very sad whenever i'm reminded of all those he said previously.

even tho it's all in the past. 

but it was too impactful. 

because like i said and felt, exactly like what i read in the book "you shocked me, i couldn't believe that you were the same person saying those things to me, behaving that way."

it was so scary in fact. 

like above, "you make it better, you always make things better", not worst.

it felt like shit when you know you made it worst.

and it really doesn't help when there's someone out there who "talks to you like she knows you really well", except for my case there is that someone who knows him as well as I do.

or maybe even better since they are always together right now. 

and the fact that "you allow him to be that close to you, to stand that close to you".

it's a fact you can't deny, and can never deny.

the level of knowledge she knows personally than her role of a superior itself. 

"i know for a fact that i'm the only guy allow to be that near to me. so please forgive me if i lose my mind when i see you giving him the same liberty. you're mine. i don't want anyone standing close to you that way."

exactly. totally. forgive me, please. i bet you too. dont you? 

"hearing you tell him what was bothering you tonight...i just lost it. he didn't even ask you, red. you just told him willingly what i've been begging you to tell me."

 sobz...this is so me...

i'm always the beggar, begging for him to share. and these things, might/are things she might have already known because they are just one seat away. or say, she is someone where he would share things because they are that close and he never ever says no to whatever intentions she has. even tho in this story red had a reason not to tell him for fear of ruining his birthday. 

"but if you have any problems, i want to be the one you tell them to first. i want to be the one to fix them."

i don't really want to fix them, but i just want to be there as an emotional support. but sadly, i will always be the last to know. cos "tell you tonight". when that time comes, you wouldn't feel as bad as you felt right at the moment. but then again, at that moment, that moment will always be a busy one. too busy to be sharing how you feel or what happened. so i'm always waiting, waiting for that overdued moment to come hours later and to hear what really happened, whereas the people who were there at the moment would have already known and shared with him that very moment. idk..isit very selfish of me to want a little of such moments too? those that i can never be there but want to be there? to provide that bit of comfort should he need some? from me and just me but not from others? but wa this part, this entire part, it really went deeeeeeep down my heart. 

one more quotes from the book, and i will be on about 加分.

" i had learnt that there was no perfect relationship. it was up to you to make it work, to keep fighting for that one person and never give up because that person was worth your effort and love. loving a person was never easy. but that doesn't mean that you would let your partner step all over you. it just meant that you are willing to stay and work things out. "

i learnt that now. fighting for that one person. and not giving up.
even tho he has hurt and broke and disappoint you uncountable times.
but you still want to try. you still wanted it to work.
but sometimes he was worth my effort and love, on some occasional days he wasn't.
and i guess i'm at the willing to stay and work things out stage, and still at it.
because we are fighting for that one person.

despite all the sadness and negativity above, the book was most of the time sweet.
the way the guy treated the girl in the book made all the girls in the world who have read it go AWWWWW so many times.
realistic or not, it was nice to read something so sweet and getting away from reality i'm in.
and..despite everything above, i am so amazed with my bull.
my bull who came back, even better than before.
the efforts he put in, WHAO.
it was amazeballs.
and i appreciate every single effort.
so many fuzzy wazzy occassions recently.
he told me he forgot to ask his parents to buy an extra shaver so he could put it in office and shave before he meets me.
was almost screaming internally.
i died.
SO SWEEEET EH.
fangirl mode activated kekekke.
AND SOMEBODY FINALLY USED BRUAN BUFFEL YTD AFTER A MILLION YEARS.
WAAAAAAA.
clap clap clap so happpppy weeeeee.
he also put parafume and i get to smell it even after his day ended hehehehehe.
chuwa chuwa chuwa.
then also ytd, his dad told him to buy gift for his future in law.
and he bought my fam bakkwa.
was sooooo touched by his gesture.
add points add points add points.
it was a big deal to me.
because it made me so damn happy.
that even tho he didn't like my fam, but treating them right makes me very very very happy despite all the mean things he received.
it made me felt damn right about this guy, made me feel so proud of him.
idk how to describe this feeling. but was really very happy cos he finally initiated something not for me but people in my life whom i love as well.
a huge deal for me indeeeed.
feels like he cares about the ppl i love too?
idk. just extremely grateful. and happy that he initiated because he is rarely the type who initiates such deals. (: (: (:
and it seems like within a short span of time, from an almost fail grade because of all the mean things he done/said, he suddenly passed with distinction and flying colours.
still can't emphasize how glad i am to have him back.
it feels so reassuring.
and i'm back to my comfort zone again, instead of a war zone checking out for land mines every now and then.
but i'm still careful because i'm still afraid of stepping on one in the near future.
worried for somebody this week.
belly worried because this week has been very out of routine for him.
and out of routine usually comes an exhausted bf in return.
so fingers crossed, i hope he survives the week well.
as much as i miss him cos the day are so long.....it might be a bad idea to meet tmr. :/
idk...
will he feel comforted or will he just be even more tired?

haven't uploaded pictures for a long long time.

so here's us, with him grabbing onto me cos he scared he fall down escalator.

hahaha. or maybe it's the other way round, which he will definitely claim the story that way should he read this part.

that he scared i fall down escalator.