longty post

bello bloggie.
i haven't wrote to you for so long that my laptop forgot the link to here.
because i clear my history once in a while.
i don't even know why i hesitated to come here previously, i guess i just didn't want to make it seem like "got problem then come here, no problem neglect".
this is going to be long long long post.
me is tired as usual but i need to pen it down and since i'm not allowed to send long texts i guess i have it here. (:
and since discussion is over and i won't be able to continue then here it shall be.
and probably here is good since otot read and i get to do what i want.
nobody pisses anybody off right?
before we start on anything, i'm going to start off with some quotes that i have saved in my phone since last year which have been rotting away. and these posts, it brings back the real original me that i might have neglected or lost.

"i'm always amazed by people who know something is wrong but still insist on ignoring it, as if that will somehow make it go away. they spare themselves the confrontation, but end up boiling in resentment anyway."

↗ uhhuh. they probably don't end up boiling in resentment. but it's the first part that i can't bring myself to do it. which explains long texts directly. i am not someone who keeps things inside me cos it's suffocating and i try not to. but that does not mean that "throwing it out" = feel better. i just like to make my points and feelings known. and with that, i'm still being told that i am not transparent enough. say what even (😦 )

"An Aries lives by a code. They are people who set rules and standards of living; and they do their best to always do right by these set of rules. An Aries is a stickler for principles and values, and they are never lenient when it comes to their core beliefs. They are rarely ever willing to compromise their principles for the sake of expediency or harmony in the relationship. That is why a lot of potential partners and mates can get turned off by an Aries deep into the relationship when they realize that their "strict nature" is not just a phase that they are going through."

 ↗ first. i am thankful for having someone who doesn't get that turned off. and someone to have stayed. BUT. "they do their best to always do right by these set of rules". since being in a relationship, i have not stuck by these because there are so much compromising to do. "they are RARELY ever willing to compromise their principles...." but i have, so many. you know what my believes are? be kind, be understanding. someone has taught me not to be so kind cos i will be at the losing end. for example, donating money. sometimes my heart really goes out to them but should i do that, "you might as well donate the money to me" 😏  tell me i'm wrong. no matter who, i will try as my might to be understanding, but it is wrong to do that when you are in a committed r/s. because the only person you should fully be understanding to is your other half. it isn't fair if you bring out your entire heart and try to understand other people's plight. that's unfair. and i wouldn't want that for myself either.

"An Aries also likes to march at a very specific pace. They don't want to have to be put in a position whrein they have to choose to wait for their partner and lag behind or to just leave their partner in the dust. That is too much of a difficult choice to make, and an Aries would choose to avoid that scenario altogether. An Aries also knows that the self is always the priority, and that they could never fully give themselves over to another person just like that. They put too much value in their self, that a lot of people will consider them selfish as a result."

  ↗ YUP. BINGO. WE ARE SO BLOOOODY SELFISH. we LOVE to march at a very specific pace. what did i say at the start? "run after me/chase after me, i do not wait." he said "wait for me pls..let's walk together". and what does the above says? "they don't want to have to be put in a position wherein they have to choose to wait for their partner and lag behind or just leave their partner in dust". i have done that already. this is also one of those aries principles thing. and honestly until now, he have not even caught me up. and he has stopped trying to catch me up. and i have also stopped reminding him about it. the thing with us is that we are always so fast paced, we refuse to be anything lesser than efficient. anyone who are/is less efficient than us are deemed as stupid. not that we are very smart ourselves. but in a r/s, you compromise. that is really alot for an aries.

"flirting is cheating because it is breaking a boundary within a committed relationship. In a committed relationship we agree to give certain parts of ourselves to our partner. When we're flirting, we're giving sexual interest and attention that only our partner should get. We're giving it to somebody else"

   ↗ yesssssss. but lemme clarify, flirting comes in many ways. you can flirt even verbally, not just physically touchy touchy. those flirtatious words that only should be used with your partner. doesn't matter if you are "just trying to be humorous", it is just wrong. in the first place, you don't even need to be humorous. i am sure there are many other ways to make the atmosphere less intense or more relaxed. like i said again, i will say again, who on earth in the right mind would want to humour other people, women especially, when your one and only job is to humour your girl? someone tried explaining it to me, if others are happy and if he is happy and they are laughing together and happy, shouldn't you feel happy for them and him too because it means that they are comfortable with one another". sure i will be, if i can see the boundary in that comfort level. most of the time i don't. it's slightly over, probably slightly lesser will do the trick.

things that go wrong don't always get fixed or put back together the way they were before. 

some broken things stay broken. that's me and bff. we are both too broken to be fixed.

what went wrong? honestly i don't really have an answer.

and i really did learned alot this year. 

cold wars, friendships, relationships, living without a sister. 

but there was one constant and i will forever be thankful and grateful for that. 

but i do keep in mind that things don't always turn out they way i think they should. 

the next entire part is about the discussion today, linked with a few pointers i read online on the healthy things couples should do. 

going out and me being unhappy. the issue here is me being unhappy? how to curb that? find the crux of why i am unhappy. prove to me that i can be happy even with you going out. for example, not neglecting me even when you are having fun, you should know how important that is right now since you know me soooooo "well". and also, to ensure that you have time AND ENERGY for me like our usual htht because usually the case is after a long day at work PLUS a gathering, its a dead fish back into its aquarium. and because of that, at the receiving end, after you are all happy and done with your day, where do i stand? it feels like i stand nowhere you know? if you are telling me that you can be attentive and not neglect me, and have the energy to still continue with our htht and stuff, by all means go ahead. and also, if i am trying to change, trying to give it a go and give it a try, but i keep getting depreciated in my efforts, i don't see a point in it. you should be encouraging me and encouraging us to give it a go, things might turn out good? it takes 2 hands to clap you see? i give green light, you give me the reassurance i need. if it all works out fine, we are good. in fact, we would be better than ever.

like this illustration above, what we have been trying to do all along is sweep it under the carpet.

ignore it. we jump over the small crosses, until one day a big one comes along and we can't jump anymore. so isn't better if we voice out one by one than wait for that one big one that comes along and we can't do anything about it? or when the issue blows out of proportion and you really need to break it through to solve it. 

and you see, why am i taking so damn much of effort to clarify things?
its communication, communication is the key to relationships.
if i am the only one doing this ALL THE TIME, sending long texts doing things like this, then how and when would i know what you are thinking deep down? or how would you feel?
i want to know, and i need to know so it is crucial that you open up to me because it would feel like you don't even trust me enough to open up to me!
being together is also about not being afraid to express yourself, you should be able to express yourself freely.
but that doesn't seem to be the case recently.
but this, i believe is a both sided affair.
we are both too worried and protective of each other's heart that should we express our opinions freely, we are afraid that we might hurt one another.
but when there is a will there is a way. you can confide in one another in some way that doesn't hurt each other. sugar coat your words first then spit out the truth?
idk.
but hey! rmb i wasn't the one who implemented this?
"please feel free to share with me how you feel and your thoughts because you are my baobei and i don't want to see you hiding your thoughts deep within you"
I AM DEFINITELY NOT SPEAKING THIS OUT OF MY OWN WORDS.
i wasn't even the one who said this.
you know how crappy it feels like honestly, feels like these were all a whole load of nonsense rubbish that were faked out just to make me feel at ease or to reassure me.
it doesn't work that way! you lay all these principles, you abide and work by it.
it's not like someday you decide you are tired of somebody sending some long texts telling you how they really feel and you say you hate it.
what sorcery is that even?
or sharing your thoughts and being judged. and all those feelings and words shared will be used back on yourself next time during some discussion.
then why make me share in the first place?
it makes me realise that some things are better left unsaid.
BUT we work by transparency. and i love the way it works.
it's so easy, no hiding nothing. it is a guilt-free r/s.
i love how guilt free it is.
but this transparency, is it doing us down? or am i the only one who is being so transparent?
because he stoppped opening up to me. until recently when we had a talk with one another then it is SLOWLY coming back.

you know, through all these, and through recently, i really really feel that i don't know this person anymore?
"please don't ever feel that you have lost me, tell me and we will see what we can do about it"
I DIDN'T SAY THAT EITHER.
damn roll eye pls.
exasperated. i have completely lost you.
because the you i knew was the past. the current one, i am indeed very clueless.
of all the things he said, of how he responded.
i am beyond shock honestly.
these 3 months, there were countless times i asked myself "is this the same person i know, do i truly truly know this person or it's just the facade that i have always knew?"
all the nasty words coming out from that mouth.
even when i said "ouch", all i had back was not comfort but even more nasty words.
so foreign isn't?
isit cos not in the right mind to feel me or feel where i am coming from?
even so, there is no forgiving because there is never a time where there will be a right mind.
tired, tired tired. i am tired of listening to tired.
i need things to work.
i need someone to be there to feel and understand me.
things have changed, not majorly but bit by bit.

there is only 1 explanation for these, work changed him and it is slowly shaping him and it is affecting us.
influenced with facts and truths because that's how it works there, or that's how he is managed.
he became a person with a work induced shadow that i didn't knew because i am not there to see how this work induced shadow works.
but i sense it so strongly.
how to change? what to change?
idk. once you are immersed in that work culture or that work induced being, there's almost no way of coming out unless you change your job or unless you see it.

why do i sound so desperate to make this work even?
well probably cos i am determined and set to make this work.
and whutt. keeping texts to 10 lines????????
you might as well ask me not to talk to you.
women are more talkative in nature, how could you refrain me from talking.
everything leave till "at night",  let's be frank here.
how much energy have you left "at night"?
night time is supposed to be a good time to pour your hearts out, but night time for you is defined as pouring zzzzzzzz to your bed.
which of our htht so far have been productive?
its all reduced to a state where by htht = updates plus planning for next date THATS ALL.
do you not realise?
i mean it's not everyday that we need to have such htht but in any case it is almost a RARITY should we even have it now.
more often that usual, during htht, you are more tired than anything.
but can i fault you for that?
i can't, because it has really been tiring.
and like i said, how many times can i be understanding before i blow my top?
and as i said previously, if you can commit 1 entire day to work and colleagues, but not even 1 hour to me, it makes you and me a nothing honestly.

i am an ANNOYANCE early in the morning.
WHAOOOOOOOOOO.
you know what?
amidst the peak hours, the monday blues, the rainy morning, your "fav" person in the world was actually awake to provide you comfort.
that comfort turned into annoyance.
i clap for myself leh really.
exchange roles.
do you know how honoured and happy i will be? if the person who meant the world to me were to be awake when he should be asleep until a later timing while i'm stuck in such a shitty situation?
in him i would find comfort and reassurance, in him with his texts that early in the morning, do you know how delighted would i be?
do you know what great deal it is and how much it would make my day so much better?
yes just ONE bloooody text at that very moment.
rain doesn't matter, squeezy doesn't matter, cos i have him to accompany me through all those shit and i'm not alone facing it.
"i rather you don't text me in the morning even you are awake and just continue sleeping"
WHAOOOOOO.
who is this really?
SMH.
what on earth have i gotten myself into?
it's almost similar to saying even if you are awake just don't text me, i do not care to know and i feel stress that you are awake and it doesn't really matter if i am not the first one you text or speak to when you start your day.
which i guess in this case it is a fact.
that's quite ouch.
i would care a hell load that the person "who meant the world to me" texts me first at the start of their day no matter what situation i am in.
in fact, it's the kinda fuzzy jumpy feeling when you get notification from your "fav" person.
but now, it turns into "pressure".
you know, i am speechless really.
bu i guess he really just wants to be alone.
but it just isn't fair to me.
so when you reach office and you see your colleagues, it is okay not to be alone?
it is okay to talk?
why? you don't feel "pressurised" in replying them?
it feels like you have overcome the crowd and all and reached your comfort zone?
so they provide you with comfort and i don't?
it's just ridiculous to just think about it.
i just can't get over the fact how a person whom you should and have always seek comfort, support and shelter turn into a monster who stresses you.
think about it la, where does that make me?
a girlfriend becoming a stress factor?
then i rather not be yours man.
i am not worth being a stress factor in your life.
i rather be nothing out of your life.
if i don't even make you feel the way you make me feel, or couples should feel when they receive texts from each other, i really don't know what makes me.
that probably texts from anyone else comes better than 1 text for me.
then might as well just don't contact.
text = pressurised, night htht = tired. what am i?
it makes me feel so shitty and i wonder if it makes you feel that way too since you have already reduced a "fav person" to such a state.
and still claim that i am a "fav". your actions really prove otherwise.
use pigu think, would you even say or refer a "fav person" as such?
comfort turned into annoyance and stress.
i can't comprehend i really can't.
although we do have a solution here, which is to justify and to share, but still it doesn't make any sense.
but don't worry, your wish is always my command despite going against my principles.
i won't ever ever ever text in the morning ever again, no matter what.
you will forever be at peace without any annoyance.
this is truly disappointing.

"yes when you are busy you still keep them at the back of your mind and you will think of them but having to keep texting, it is......."
busy? sure go ahead.
work? go. you have to do it.
it doesn't make sense for you to be on your phone permanently while working.
BUT justify.
how am i supposed to understand or give some leeway when i know nothing at all?
if you think of them while you are busy, it simply means that you do miss them.
tell them! it isn't hard.
MIA 2 hrs because work.  then, "i am so busy with ...... but i keep thinking about you, miss you"
it would have helped so much.
and it makes my waiting of 2 hours so much worth it.
so awwww so sweet.
secondly, work. it takes up your entire day. for some, it is not something that you can complete in few minutes, you take hours to complete it.
one text, how long does it take? how long does it take to justify your actions seriously?
2 minutes?
less than that.
it takes lesser the time you take to reply to one email even.
is it that hard?
the best part is, i used to be an internal staff.
i know it all too well.
it really is a matter of choice or say, attitude/personality.
your pattern? work means work. you throw everything aside and focus.
but why stress yourself out like that?
we both know you don't have to be like that. it isn't that urgent nor important.
cut some slack, give yourself some space.
let me into that space.
if that's the case, CL won't have any time to use her phone even.
when asked for referee, she replied within 5 mins?
it was just a simple "can".
at this point, the rebuttal would be " would you like it if i keep replying but it is short and fuyan replies?"
so here comes the point, justify.
you dont have to be curt about it.
"dear i'm busy with ....... i reply you soon okie inserts kiss emoticons"
you know i will understand, but recently you don't seem to make me understand because you think i will know and i will understand.
i am just a tiny tummy worm, i may understand you but i am not you.
i am not your brain neither am i your heart, if i knew your brain nor heart i would have been a mind reader or fortune telller forecasting your next step knowing what is coming next and what to avoid.

现在的你说话越来越不客气
态度也越来越差， 因为累。
不知道是不是因为跟你妈妈影响很大，毕竟她是你每天都会交往的人。
而她就是你反应态度的那一种人。
i would really hate it if that was the case.
please don't let it be the case.
please prove me wrong.

and also, if someday i hear this, i will crush people's bone.
'you are making feel very pressurised at work, because of you, i can't work properly".
this would go back to the deal we made before he signed the contract.
i said " you know clearly how i will respond once you sign it, don't ever tell me that i am in the way of your work next time because of the way i respond. because if it happens, it leads back to today where i chose to let you go and avoiding that from happening"
"it won't happen cos you are my baobei, let's work this out please. can we just try please?"
don't you ever forget those pleads, don't you forget what you fought for and don't you ever say such nonsense because if it happens, you are nothing but a 2 faced joker.

i don't know if he remembers, but i rmb it vivdly.
during the party, she came along with A and him.
standing by the counter and A and her started talking, but i was seated on the couch watching and taking everything in.
he saw me on the couch.
and at that very moment i was thinking "will he come over or will he stay with them?"
the next moment, he walked over and sat beside me.
i felt like a proud mama and all i wanted to say was that, chalanda you did well and did me proud and proved me otherwise.
but there was a fact to be acknowledged.
deep down i knew if i wasn't there, he would have stayed.
deep down i knew that he wished he could stay but because he was mr xiaoxin he couldn't.
to know this deep down it is disappointing unless i am being told it isn't like that, but nonetheless still proud that he marked his words. thumbs up really.

few more pointers and i can end this.
i wish he would acknowledge this and lmk his part.
but it will never happen, because time is a factor.
it took me 3 hours for all these above, he can't even spend an hour talking to me without feeling sleepy what more can i expect?
不是看扁是太了解.
the article said, go shopping and have fun with one another.
fun is a huge lacking factor.
no time, no energy, where got time for fun?
don't talk about weekends, weekdays barely even have energy to have dinner.
the most basic meet up during weekdays, just dinner.
then go home.
coming out for 2 hours, just to be there when he knocks off just to spend more time together.
all he wants is to go home and sleep.
what do i do then?
just don't meet?
then he claims that i will miss him. obviously? it's not even about me, you yourself miss me too what. -.-
reason why i have not been complaining because there really isn't much i/we can do.
i just wish he wasn't that tired, i just wish there was so much more we could do, i just wished that things didn't had to be reduced to such a state when we used to have so much fun.
1 WORK and it destroyed everything including the dynamics of a r/s.

be completely open and honest with one another.
mentioned it above.
feeling safe to express to one another and how it isn't the case anymore.
we built our r/s on this.
it isn't the case anymore.
for him.
for me, i'm having 2nd thoughts because he isn't someone i used to know and i really need to thread carefully before getting myself into some unknown trouble and getting scarred.

be your own people outside of the r/s.
he is still him.
i am not me anymore because of all the compromises and changes.
i am still trying hard to find myself back.

tolerate one another's differences and flaws.
i fully accept it.
my stand as always is, if you love the person why would you want them to change?
to change for the better but human never changes.
they may change for the moment but they will revert back to their own ways because that is their true nature.
you love someone for who they are.
but kept being asked to change? what does that mean?
either i am such a nasty person or you don't accept me for who i am at all.
"i hate long texts, it is annoying to receive text from you in the morning, it pressurises me"
for these i have to change, i accept his differences and flaws, he doesn't.
i have to stop sending long text, i can't text in the morning, i need to stop pressuring him.
always talking about receiving end.
how about me at the receiving end?
changing all of these isn't even me.
how is sending long texts wrong? so because someone hates it you can't do it anymore, you have to restrict it.
its damn rolled eyes la lol please.
what is compromise?
my fault for hating long texts my fault for being the annoyance and that pressure so i need to compromise and change?
2 hands to clap, always rmb.

communicate with one another.
mentioned above too.
communication is key.
now communication is restricted thanks to pressurised and lethargy.
10 days to settle issues from previous outbreak.
how efficient.
how communicative.
10 texts max.
clap pls.
"say main point"
the problem with saying main points, is it leads to misunderstandings.
i don't like being misunderstood.
i rather be long winded and make my point clear.
say main point and in the end you don't get it, i still need to explain to you.
isn't that double job?
why not just be crystal clear in the first place?
and also as above, women tend to talk more than guys.
so i talk less?
or do you hope that i don't share with you?
i hold you with high regards and with priority and it is the reason why i chose to share with you.
do you think i will share or tell everything to anyone?
it is you that i trust.
but it seems like you don't want such an affinity we build with one another.
heartbreaking isn't?

feels like its all a joke.
a huge joke played on me.
speechless indeed.
feels like because you are preoccupied with work and work oriented now, how i feel and all of these matters the least to you that you can behave in this manner and do things like that to your proclaimed fav person in the world.
i don't know what that makes you then.
all the nightmare episodes i had since he started work. a nightmare indeed.
a nightmare i get twirled in despite going against everything.
am i being toyed? with my feelings.
feels like.
trusted you with my heart, as usual, you just throw it on the floor like thrash leaving me at a lost.