and also for the past weeks.
how to organize even?
finally done packing my cupboard.
task of the day: pack cupboard.
that was all i had to do.
so simple right?
but it took me the entire day.
but i've accomplished it.
and i do feel a sense of satisfaction.
which seems to be a joke.
because sense of satisfaction from packing a cupboard?
people get it from their daily work.
but i don't have work and honestly it has been quite long since i felt so accomplished?
funny right.
was determined to complete it today. because there is a charity donation thing tmr, so if i've got any books and stuff to donate i could do it than throw away.
i always find donating better than throwing away.
it feels comforting to know that there will be second user and the thing is still valued.
i'm tired.
so damn tired from sorting everything and sitting on the floor.
like 2 years of uni notes and books and filing, plus 3 years of poly notes and filing.
and deciding which or what to throw.
which took up much of my time.
and also so much thoughts running through my mind.
flipping through each set of notes i came across.
and my amazing brain actually remembered what was being taught.
going down the memory lane.
somebody once asked me so what do you actually learn in fs?
i told them, basically everything from chem to bio to pharmco even.
but i couldn't give them a specific answer, just very vague.
ask me again now, i would tell you food sensory, food chem, food psychology, product development, food experiments.
i looked through my lab reports. and it brought me back to the fun times we had in labs.
i feel sad knowing that right now my happiness is actually reliant and influenced by someone else.
i truly enjoyed those moments where i was just me, happy being me.
up till today, i still do regret not working hard enough in poly to get me through uni.
i have always felt that it is a pity. a waste.
for all those notes and course of study that i treasured so much, others just treat it like shit.
poly over = throw.
because it was something they could take for granted for.
not me.
i love it so much, even though it was tough.
the reason why they were still in my cupboard was because i have always thought that i would still need them, should there be a day where i go back to the food industry.
another reason is i can't bear to throw them away.
feels like those are my only link and memories of fs.
once i throw them away, it feels like a part of me have been taken away and that these memories would vanish.
and also it feels like i have really truly given up on the subject.
but i never had.
it's funny how after 2 years in uni, 2 years in business i still like it so much.
why? i really dk.
probably the memories associated with the work done and course of study.
to realise how much i worked right away after i graduated.
OT for weekends, weekdays, every single day for 8 months.
even till today i am still amazed with my capabilities.
i am a workaholic.
i don't think i will know how or when to stop until i collapse?
from a basic of 1.8 monthly to 2.9.
that's double almost the amount.
and that double came from OT.
i clap for myself.
2.9 is what others are earning right now.
i was earning that amount at age 20.
it is not something to be proud of, it is actually quite terrifying.
then to realise, during the period of 13-14, i kept on falling sick.
all the lab reports, all the blood tests.
4 times in a year.
4 blood tests, 4 illness which required me to draw my blood on different occasions.
tbh, the number of times my blood have been drawn to be tested for various reasons, i can't even count.
why even, or how even.
weak.
lolol.
packing my cupboard also to realise that i've started writing journals since so long ago.
this blog started since 2007, when we were still writing very funky-ly.
"haixx, hi it's miie againx, sianzz" and many more.
amazing, i was only 11 years old.
really?
i rmb when i was much younger, probably pri 3/4? i loved collecting memos from each hotel we visited, as a keepsake.
and on those memos, i like to pen down what we did on that day, where we visited.
i have plenty of notebooks, and plenty that i can't throw.
because each notebook had my writing in it.
but never was the notebook filled. because i always open a new one.
喜新厌旧。
anyway, it made me realised how much i loved writing, how much i cared to pen down my deepest feelings and thoughts.
it is something within me.
i'm pretty amazed how long i hiatus from here.
from last august till now.
let's not talk about those posts where i blabber on, but posts like this on my thoughts and day.
原来有人贴着你情绪受到牵连就不会觉得伤心难过委屈。
sadly now, the person isn't available anymore.
back then, he was constantly there because we were both free af, we could talk about anything, i could talk about anything freely.
i didn't had to care how or what or any consequences.
it's getting hard to communicate now, and honestly i really dk what is the right way or how should i communicate anymore.
there is this constant feeling of drift for some reason.
it's been bugging me for very long but for someone to open up to you, its not as easy as snapping your fingers.
i get judged if i don't pick my words carefully, i might set off the wrong wire leading to an exploding bomb (like waking up early in the morning being concerned).
it's such a vast difference from the above.
so this happens when someone is snatched away from you by something called work huh?
i'm very much saddened by these facts.
3 months now, i think it is a time to evaluate.
3 months now, i'm still adjusting.
from someone who is constantly there and having all the time in the world for you, to someone who feels pressurised by your messages, wishes for more freedom, more alone time.
and here i am feeling so lost and helpless trying so hard not to step on any landmines.
it's hard for me because i feel like a dog, who has nothing but the owner only?
i have no job, nothing to do whole day long, and no one to talk to.
is it too much to ask for to be texting the person you love?
i'm still adapting to having no one there, still adapting to that person tied down and preoccupied with work, still adapting to the fact that i'm not his world anymore.
it actually stings alot right now because the change, to realise now, it's actually huge.
for the first time in many months, i've actually sat down to come to terms with how i actually feel and what i actually wanted.
for getting criticised for so many things in the past few weeks.
YJ, A & B.
all who were very close and very dear.
to receive such remarks from them, i can't take it lying down.
isn't just me? like it's all just me.
i heard jay chou's song today "这些我都做得到但那个人已不是我“.
whatever they said, i can do it.
it is within my means.
but i have a rule to play by.
will that still be me?
if it isn't, i wouldn't do it.
but because of compromising and to make things work, i have played against my rule a million times.
and i feel very less cared and concerned for.
like, so many instances.
the past him would have relented and cared so much more.
example, there was this day where he ended school early and he was home early like 3/4 plus?
whereas i had school till almost 6.30pm.
that day, it was raining cats and dogs.
and as usual, we do our live updates.
i told him that class ended and i left sch etc.
apparently it was raining on his side too.
so anw, i didn't replied because i was walking and holding the umbrella.
school to cc line, around 10 to 15 mins.
once i replied, the next second he called asking if i was okay because the rain was so heavy.
asked if i was wet and all, told me to dry myself.
i was wet even with brolly, the weather and air con was cold, but my heart felt so warm.
R was with me when it happened, and she was so envious of me for having someone like that.
it's hard to even get such a warm simple concern right now.
because he is too preoccupied to notice small things like that, let alone show any concern.
it really stings tho, now.
"tears are unspoken words. because sometimes the pain hurts too much you don't even know how to begin."i just feel that i'm no longer taken into high regards, no longer that someone who is really that important.
it doesn't really matter how i feel or how i think.
i feel very bitter actually, despite all the happy times.
i feel that i'm struggling to make it work, to change, but i still want to try.
i feel so hard up myself.
and that i no longer know what this person wants nor what this person thinks.
like i said previously, i may be a tummy worm but i'm neither your heart nor brain.
if i was, i could be you already.
feels like he wants so much more than i am doing, than i am trying.
keep to 10 texts, no long texts, no morning texts, keep it short, dinners, keeping things because i take it badly and get hurt.
i really don't even know how.
when the simplest solution which is to communicate has became a barrier of its own.
i no longer know how to communicate properly and amicably with everything above implemented.
and like i said, walking on a thin tread because i really dk when will i step on the next bomb.
i rather give up on words i really want to say, than keeping him up because he is already tired.
because i wouldn't know when the next worst "i want to sleep early, i'm tired after work, don't do htht everyday, it''s always about you being happy" will come.
and these really breaks me because no matter how tired i am i wouldn't want to break any dynamics of my r/s.
and it really wasn't me who implemented such things, why has it became my fault so suddenly?
if the above was the case, i wouldn't have made it when i was doing OT and on the phone with someone.
i really want to get a job right now.
so i will have something to do.
so i have something to keep myself busy.
than to worry about all these stuff above.
and to feel so 委屈 and disturbed and broken with words that wasn't said by me, by actions which wasn't implemented by me, with habits that were built up by us, by all the lunches and other stuff that are going on with her and him.
it's just so unfair.
为什么明明不是我说的不是我做的我竟然要为了这些受委屈？
at least if it was something i've done or said, it makes more sense isn't?
so many words that comes back to me.
"share with me, i am here for you, i am here to listen to your grumblings, lmk what happened, don't keep it inside, open up to me"
就是因为这些话，害死了我自己。
look at what happen now when i do try to share?
i get brushed away.
"what's wrong with you again, huh what bueller, why do you feel this way again, why fear of missing out ah"
each and every single word pierces right through.
if you receive such responses every time you want to share something, would you dare to share?
i don't. i don't dare anymore.
i rather speak carefully than get stabbed with such words, i rather not share than to receive such responses.
rather than trying to see what i'm trying to get across or how or why i'm feeling like that, more often than usual my words get put down and put off with those above.
i guess it's only in here on this platform where i can make all my true inner feelings known without getting brushed away and neither getting judged.
and knowing the workaholic in me, OTs and more.
i will show you how much i can put you away if i wanted to.
always rmb, love is a choice.
work can be my priority for all i care.
OT and skipping htht, you can get more rest.
be so busy to the extend whereby even if you do have meetings for the entire noon i wouldn't have time to mind if your meeting ended nor wait like a dog for your meeting to end and for you to reply.
when that time comes, lmk if you still feel pressurised by my responses and replies.
or if that would be the time where you wish so much if i could be there to reply or response.
when that time comes, you would probably then appreciate how comforting it is to have that someone there for you, that someone you have been constantly pushing away now.
there's only this amount of understanding someone can give, it will not be forever that someone will always understand how busy you are.
one day this understanding will break.
so i really wonder how you can handle should i be that busy and i'm always replying with sorry really very busy or not even replying at all "even though at the back of the mind you will still keep thinking about the person".
but imo i won't be vengeful to that extent.
because i am me.
but should i need to make the choice, i still can choose to do the same as how i received.
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