beauty and the beast

hello bloggie.
haitus for the longest ever.
I'm not proud of myself.
I know clearly it's August till now.
overwhelmed with playing and the love of my life and nothing else.
cos I rmb wanting to blog about his birthday but never ever gotten to doing it.

have been feeling happiest for the longest time too.
overseas, play and more play.
change and more change.
change that forces you to accept.
decisions that has no you in it.

and this feeling right now feels foreign.
I haven't felt it for so long.
I'm proud of that tho, not now.
having hamsters are so different.
but I definitely wouldn't mind their accompaniment.
unlike bailey they don't come to you when you break down and sit quietly beside you or go purring up on your thighs.
hammies are cute, but they are too tiny to hug.
I wish they would do something.
but all they do is to sit there and watch you sob hard.

when one opens up to you, it means that they have complete trust in you and know that it's you they can confide to and you who will understand.
doesn't seem like that anymore.
when I open up, it's thrown somewhere else, it's ignored, it's put aside.
tiredness, and everything else comes before it.

因为很委屈所以心很痛。
因为真的不是我说的。
但却是我为了这些甜言蜜语受伤害。
"please don't feel that you don't understand me, should you feel this way again, please let me know and we will work out together okay? because you are my baobei and i don't want you to feel this way"
我说了。
换来的是，
需要冷静吗?
还会有什么比这个更心酸呢。
"我只和你去逛超市，因为你是我的 wifey"
结果呢。。
因为没有东西做了。
how factual.
how curt.
it breaks me thoroughly.

something so simple.
came a rebuttal that stabbed me right through.
"such places don't need go for 5 days one what"
I don't even.
can't even.
find a reply.
all the simple questions asked.
came all the disappointing defensive response.
things I didn't even knew, may or dec.
25 degrees, followed by 4 really.
I highly doubt should a colleague say that, they will be taken into trust immediately.
probably just 1 probing followed by it doesn't feel like that.
I didn't knew my words weren't to be trusted.

我很怕。
因为我不再了解这个人。
because my words carries no weight and doesn't matter anymore.
I feel like nothing.
like I don't matter anymore.
seems like everyone else's opinions matters more than anything else.
or probably it's just his that mattered.
doesn't matter what i thought.
doesn't matter how I felt.

少了贴心的言语。
应该就是这样。
I suddenly don't know this person anymore.
and I'm afraid.
wondering what have I gotten myself into once again.

because I'm no longer that little princess.
I'm no longer that world.
because there has been newfound meaning in life.
and I don't really matter anymore.
he just needs to pacify his colleagues and do his job well that's all.
little princess requires nothing like that so she's thrown aside unprotected and not required.

I am so heartbroken.
你真的不值得我每次的心碎，更不值得我每次的泪水。

怎么办。
今晚的我好难过。
可以谁来缓解这个悲伤。