对不起谢谢

firstly, I'm sorry that you have to read this depressing post early in the morning.
but the realization is too much to bear and it pains me alot.
secondly, still sorry, for each and every single thing you have suffered because of decisions made by my family or my family culture.
it is okay for me even tho it hurts me, because i didn't have a choice, I was born here and I can't choose.
but you could.
I'm sorry that you have been implicated in everything in our relationship because of how my family is like.
this is so unbearable as I think of it now.
things which we could have done, things that we should have done.
watching each and every couple go overseas together, but we can't. I know how shitty it feels, but it must have been shittier for you cos it shouldn't be something you need to suck up to. but because you chose me it became something you had to suck up to.
and for all the curfews, zero stayover etc.
I'm sorry you had to be suffer along with me too.
I always thought it was okay, that she must have her reasons.
but turns out no.
it is extremely unreasonable and illogical.
time and again, I have tried but I never win.
I've tried for years, it's not a one or two attempt, but thousands.
if you are wondering why these thoughts and these post, no I didn't fight with her.
it's jist that in the middle of the night my lil sis got hungry and went to get some food, but she got scolded.
which led me to think alot.
nothing is right with her, everything, no matter what, are wrong.
no eating in room, cnt sleep in, cnt always go out, cnt stay out late, eat supper also cnt, sleep late because watch drama/study also cnt.
I believr the can word in her dictionary doesn't exist.
please don't let me be her, and I vow to never be like her if I were to be a mother in this lifetime.
it's suffocating it's infuriating.
I am sorry that being together with me, has taken away the freedom we ought to have in a relationship.
it makes me wonder, that probably freedom means after death.
she spoke to me just now, for a few minutes.
idk how many times I rolled my eyes because she is just the same.
it doesn't matter if cold war started or ended, because I believe she has only gotten worst.
I'm so sick and tired of fighting.
so tired of all these shit that I don't even try to change her thinking or rebutt.
and you know what, I feel like I'm living in the qing dynasty under the ruling of a nasty queen.
so tired of all her controlling and demanding requests, so tired with her determination of holding us back.
i feel very heart broken, that even tho it's me and my family and she who is like that, you got entangled in this spider web of nonsense too.
I feel so bad that this family of mine is unable to give you the love you should be receiving, but only the hostility and lack of freedom.
no house visits, no staying till late, no overseas, no cooking together, no snuggling together, no visiting of relatives alone, and so so so many more.
watching her give you cold shoulder makes me shudder.
makes me wonder what kind of mum is she.
basically, I guess she just gave me the permission to date, but no to everything else.
24 years and counting, I don't even know how to end this.
each and every of her action and decision leads me to disappointment and there are no way I can justify why because there are simply no logic behind it.
and it is not always and every time that I can get you to understand or be understanding because I myself can't do it even.
but I am extremely grateful for how you have been giving in and sucking it up, but maybe sometimes you could throw a tantrum at me for how screwed everything is and how is has been impacting our relationship.
I know there are many things that you say is okay, but it is definitely not okay for me.
because you are also someone I love, someone I hold deeply and dearly, but I have failed to protect you from the hurt, insults and consequences of my family have been or have made.
it is ridiculous, it is hopeless.
rebel doesn't work. nothing works.
I only want to be freed. but it is something I will never ever get.
if I were to die today, my 3 biggest regret is the freedom I will never get, not going to club this entire lifetime, and not being able to travel overseas with you openly.
getting drunk and high, I've done it. regretted it? no because I know how it feels and I am definitely not and never ever doing it again.
她真的让我彻底的失望， 但也许我让她也觉得一样。
对不起我没能保护你， 对不起我无能为力， 对不起我连累了你。
谢谢你选择了我， 谢谢你一直在我身旁， 谢谢你支持我的一切。
这辈子遇见了你是我最幸福和快乐的日子， 虽然带来的苦涩和泪水也一样的多。
但是还是很感激一路上有你陪伴我。