Tragedy

Hello bloggie, again.
Same as ytd.
Same time.
Just that today we don't have booze.
Other than that I guess it's all the same.
3rd day in a row.
I'm so tired of having it repeatedly. It's not like I'm taking medicine. This hurts me it doesn't heal me.
The same thing over and over again.
It's like a ghost, haunting me every single moment. From the time I'm awake to the time to head to bed.
Sleeping doesn't even feel like an escape anymore, and waking up feels awful.
The same thing that got me soaked in tears for I can't count how many times, the same thing that have made me so miserable over the entire week, the same thing that jeopardized everything I had.
From the 1st time I heard it, to the 3rd time probably the last I heard it.
Each and every time, it rips me apart.
And every single minute, it repeats in my head over and over again.

What I wanted to do today, are confessions.
The brutal truth.

I thought back in time and wondered if I ever said out loud my thoughts.
I guess I didn't.
I knew there was a chance of it happening way before. Deep down, I knew.
Through all our many daily conversations, it didn't strike me to say it out because it was just an "if".
Who knew it became a reality.

It was bearable because there was an exit.
Even though fear was present, jealousy and whatevernot, there was an exit.
There was hope that all would end once a career was set up.
Not anymore.
This fear, this jealousy and everything will be there till the exit, if there would even be one.
The hope that was once there is now gone.
The bearable had turned into unbearable.
The short term has turned into long term.
All is set.
No chances given, no second thoughts given.
So why should I.
Am i the one who was given the choice?
Not me.
Why should I sacrifice for something that wasn't even my choice.

And how about all along it was just an invisible hand, waiting for me to fall into the trap?
No way am I going to stand a dog and owner relationship.
No way am I going through everything I've managed to bear through the past 4 years.
No way am I going to watch someone I own build up another even stronger relationship with someone who has the same potential as good as a third party.
And no way am I going to watch them destroy me.
I will destroy myself, it's not theirs to decide.
If I can't get her out, I simply get myself out.

It's all the same. Previously I tried, I tried so hard.
Not this time. Since the previous time I know I will never ever try that hard again. That was the psychological contract I gave myself.
If she was a woman, she will never ever even have done anything like that.
So stop telling me she is one.
It pisses me off hearing such shit.
It enrages me even more to see the amount of hope and trust you have in her, overflowing of trust and hope in her than me when I said I'm clearly having none.
And stop trying to change whatever is there right now because you would have done that 4 years ago, not now and it all just seems like a facade to me. A tool to attain what you want and on the same hand, a tool to break me to attain your goals.
If you find it hard to leave, what makes you think a word a dog said would make the owner change when you never ever had any say at all.
Also, if I am no longer the limelight, there is no reason for me to be present anymore. 

Have you ever thought about how much your actions have hurt me? All over the years and months. How much both of you together, one obliging and the other leading, have broke me so much? How hurtful it was to always be the shadow and sit there and just watch?
How would you have felt if a married guy placed his hands on my thighs, knowing all well that you were in the same car at the passenger seat at the back?
How would you have felt if I kept on correcting whatever you do because I knew this married guy's preference inside out, even better than what I know about you.
How would you have felt if I knew all the passwords to this guy's every single account and still rmb it?
How would you have felt if during every single lunch and every single time I'm with this guy, I give him my 100% attention and he seeks in me as a confidant, when this should only be entitled to you?
It's the same as hitachi, imagine that kinda flirtatious exchange every single day, expanded into longer sentences plus actions and I justify it all as "just a dad treating me like his own daughter".
It's a joke because my dad doesn't even do such ridiculous stuff.
What about my email exchanges with my dad, about leesort? My dad, my real own dad could have sparked such reactions in you. What I'm going through is someone who isn't even your mum and watching and feeling everything you felt from that email exchange for the millionth time and counting.
Just tell me, how do you think ALL of these ( and much much much more) would have felt?
And tell me how many times was it, how many times have I tried so hard to let you understand how it feels to justify for how I felt but you did nothing and justified all that bitch actions with 1 sentence?
Imagine more than every single thing above, but I'm still taking that married guy's side, no matter the amount of hurt he have inflicted, and no matter how you felt, and justifying that guys action through this 1 sentence "he is jist treating me like a daughter".
I feel disgusted and disappointed myself.
And to go through such ridiculousness forever, do you honestly think im stupid or what?
If this is not poison I do not know what it is.
It is suffocating it is crap. It has got to be the most ridiculous thing ever.

But I wouldn't ever ever do such a thing because I will never ever jeopardize a relationship and a person I cherish and love so much over anything.
They can raise the offer to a million bucks, they can do whatever they want and I will not take it.
I will settle for something less and build my path because at the end of the day, it is this person I am sharing my future with and I want us to be happy.
I wouldn't want anything like that to hurt the person I love and I wouldn't ever want to put him through such agony when all could be avoided because it is a CHOICE.

And since that's the case, I guess it is fair for me to leave.
Leave all the misery behind, get a better life.
No doubt there will be plenty of missing, but I'm sure we can do it.
No doubt it will be hard, it beats better than going through that shit.
No doubt there will be changes, but we will deal with them.
It's simply not what I'm willing to put myself through.
Like I said, you are set so am I.
There won't be a together, there won't be an us. It will only be an I.
Opportunities do not wait, time do not wait as well.
I might be the right one at the wrong timing.
Someday a right one with the right timing will come by.

Did you know how much I was looking forward to?
Before everything came collapsing down?
Because of the past few months, or year, faith brought me and us back to where we were today.
It felt like we finally had something planned out, I could almost see our new beginning.
Hope was shining so brightly at us, at me.
Just when I thought all were smooth sailing, it's like a cliff dropped from the skies above, destroying everything in the way.
Do you know how much this made my heart bleed?
I kept on asking myself why.
I guess it just happened.
And it's saddening.
A thought that came true.
A thought that I didn't had the chance of speaking my mind when I had it and now it's all too late.
If I knew this was where it ends last year, I wouldn't have gave another chance.
Never.
I wouldn't have gave another chance knowing the fact that I would land myself in something I didn't wanted.

不是想要装固执， 不是要装冷落，不是真的要放弃， 更不是想要装坚强。
不是谁不好，也不是谁对谁错。
只是这不是我想走的路。
走下去只会委屈我自己。
长痛不如短痛。

I guess there isn't a need to read the book anymore, I might have just gave it it's conclusion.
I don't want and I don't need a future like this.