Dead

I think I need to borrow a book on sadness and letting go.
Cos I still feel the same.
Happy days and times were when I'm out.
Once im back its hell.
And the sadness resume.
Looking for a place to hide next week.
Especially on a Monday.
No one is free, everyone is away.
Everyone is out holidaying.
I forgot it's the holidays.
Me is just stuck here and passing the month by like any other.
and also because of that, it is even harder to not feel sad cos even my happy pill is leaving me here all alone again.
I'm going to die next week.
No where to go.
No one to accompany.
Die from loneliness.
And maybe depression.
It's scary to confess that this is not the first time over the past week I've imagined myself dying.
Like legit dying.
Because it feels that no one really cares.
That I'm better off being dead.

Sad and heart ache but I refuse to cry.
I'm so tired.
So so so tired.
Honestly if it wasn't for what dad said that night, I don't think I could have hung on till now.
And also with bueller support.
I honestly dk what to do with my life next week.
1 week is long enough for many things to happen.
You don't even need a week, you just need a few seconds.
Now it's probably determination and support that keeps me off the death track.
It's been coming across my mind too many times, though not ever attempting it.
But it's too scary to even have such thoughts.
This is then a sin.
Not the fuss of staying out.
Need a place to camp.
Probably need some courage to try running away from hell but I never have.
Maybe I shouldn't even consider so much since no one cares.
I think the only/first person who will know that I'm gone will be bueller.
Or maybe not since he won't be here next week.
I should start finding for places to rent/stay/camp.
But being alone in public on a public holiday is way too lonesome.
But then I don't think I can handle being at home.
No its no longer home to me, it's hell.
Burden burden burden.
Where to?

Tired.
Depressing.
Sick of this shit.