i LOVE binge watching dramas.
good dramas.
not boring ones like the one i'm watching.
but since i started on it then i would continue, i don't like watching half half unlike some people.
MIA because going out too.
yay that exams are over.
but it wouldn't be long before school starts again.
drafted this.
didn't post.
but shall use this draft to continue what i wanna say.
我想说。
谢谢你最近对我无微不至的照顾，让我感到非常的宠爱和疼爱。
好久没有感到那么甜甜蜜蜜，每天像公主般一样的过日子。👸
好像是从七月以来最被疼和最被爱的高峰期。
😊😊😊
it feels shitty reading the above, after what happened.
mind currently full of curse words and nothing else.
and also filled of ways to hurt than to love.
i really wonder how other ladies would reacted if they saw something like that.
honestly, i think my response is damn good already.
i still talked.
i still talked despite the hurt and pain and disappointment felt.
others might have off their phones?
legit cold war?
idk.
it sucks it is so fucking shitty.
he sucks too.
sucks ttm.
sucks worst than shit.
fucking hell.
screw him.
you know the kind of scene where drama always shows.
the girl/guy sees something and the whole world stops, you can't hear what anyone said other than the thing that made you plunge into 18 courts of hell?
i know lil sis was speaking to me but it didn't register a single word she said.
yes it is this bad.
it is shitty that once again, i'm plunged into a world of sadness, hurt and disappointment.
over an accidental discovery.
and i wonder how many more to come.
EXACTLY how much more do i not know.
and EXACTLY how much more of such BULLSHIT FUCKING THINGS that has happened.
and how untruthful everything was.
and there has been no "last".
like totally fk fk fk fk FUCK YOU.
SO NOT CRYING OVER THIS BLOODY FUCKING THING.
WASTE OF MY TEARS.
REFUSE TO CRY EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD.
AND HAVE DONE ENOUGH OVER THOSE 30 DAYS.
AND THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU DID BEHIND MY BACK WITHOUT ME KNOWING.
WITHOUT COMING CLEAN, WITHOUT BEING HONEST.
I CLAP FOR YOU.
FEED DUCK SIBO?
YES I WOULD FEED YOU 2 TO THE DUCKS.
OR THE TIGERS.
I COULDN'T CARE LESS.
FUCKING HELL.
IT'S BLOOOOOODY DISGUSTING.
FREAKING HELL DISGUSTING.
DISGUST THE SHIT OUTTA ME.
I WOULD BE GLAD TO CHOP OFF THOSE ARMS AND THOSE FINGERS.
BOTH.
ISN'T AMAZING HOW CAREFREE AND NONCHALANT 2 ATTACHED PEOPLE CAN BE?
IT IS SO AMAZING I COULDN'T BELIEVE IN MY EYES.
AND NV IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I THOUGHT WOULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME.
WHAT A WRONG JUDGEMENT.
JUDGING THE WRONG GUY FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS.
THINKING THAT HE WOULD NEVER EVER DO OR "LEND A SHOULDER" TO A FEMALE.
CLAP FOR MYSELF.
I WOULD SLAP YOU UPSIDE DOWN, HANG YOU UPSIDE DOWN, KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ASS, BREAK YOUR KNEES AND MAKE YOU BEG FOR FORGIVENESS.
THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!
SO MAD SO DISAPPOINTED I CAN'T EVEN.
I REALLY CAN'T.
NOT THE FIRST TIME, NOT THE FIRST TIME I DISCOVERED SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AGAIN? REALLY? AGAIN???
ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY.
TELL ME NOW, HOW DO I EVEN TRUST?
TELL ME.
GAVE CHANCES? YES.
I GAVE TOO MANY.
I'M SO SPEECHLESS AND SO DISAPPOINTED BEYOND WORDS EVEN THOUGH I'VE TYPED AN ENTIRE CHUNK UP THERE.
ITS JUST SO WTF.
OMG I CNT REALLY.
IF THIS IS OKAY, IT MEANS THAT IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO "PRETEND TO KISS" A GUY, WITH HIS SHOULDERS DRAPE OVER MY SHOULDERS, WITHOUT MY PARTNER KNOWING, BUT DISCOVERING A PICTURE LIKE THAT SOMEDAY SOMEWHERE.
OH FUCK IT'S JUST SO DISGUSTING I CNT.
THIS IS ONE FUCKED UP SHIT THAT HAS ROBBED AWAY ALL THE HAPPINESS AND BLISSFULNESS I HAVE FELT FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH.
WHAT A GREAT WAY TO START MAY.
I HAVE WASTED ALL MY TRUST AND LOVE FOR THE PAST MONTHS, TRYING TO GET BACK ON TRACK, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING, THINKING THAT EVERYTHING IS OVER.
APPARENTLY IT HASN'T.
BLOODY JERK ASSSHOLE.
WHAT'S NEXT?
COME AT ME ON ONE GO.
DON'T BREAK MY HEART SO MANY TIMES
I AIN'T THAT STRONG TO HANDLE THIS MUCH OF FUCKED UP SHIT.
THERE REALLY IS THIS MUCH I CAN DO, THERE REALLY IS THIS FAR I CAN GO.
AND THERE'S ONLY THIS MUCH OF LOVE I CAN GIVE FROM A BROKEN HEART, THERE REALLY IS THIS AMOUNT OF TRUST I CAN GIVE FOR SOMEONE WHO BETRAYED IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
TO CONCLUDE?
I CAN NEVER FIND THE FORGIVENESS WITHIN ME.
THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY SINS TO BE FORGIVEN.
AND THERE AREN'T ANYMORE FORGIVING IN ME.
and i believe this wouldn't be the last.
there isn't anyway to move on.
i told myself, when i discovered GR, that was my last straw.
i gave one chance too many, and now my heart is bearing the consequences.
this is really fucked up.
Know what?
Feels like ive known a 2 faced hypocrite monster who could change drastically over less than 30 days.
And showing another side after fucking up shit.
Feels like every single thing was just a facade.
Feeling lied to.
And I hate being lied to.
Nothing feels real anymore.
Nothing.
几时说真话几时说假话我再也分不清
that day.
was the first time for very long that i broke down in front of him.
i hate breaking down in front of people because it makes me feels weak.
that day was the day i gave up.
gave up explaining.
gave up speaking how i really felt.
that day i was so disappointed i went speechless.
other than crying, i can't even speak.
几天的委屈，好像一次过哭出来。
那么多的努力。
there really isn't any point in explaining when they can't see it from your perspective.
and whatever said is just futile and waste of my saliva and efforts.
and that being said, even after explaining, the fault will still be on me.
what's the point really?
i finally gave up.
but i didn't learn not to break down.
shit is me.
stupid is me.
idiot retard is me.
if they truly knew, they would have understood.
they would have understood the reason behind all the tantrums.
than classifying it as unreasonable.
if they knew.
sadly they don't.
no point really.
think of all the bad words.
that's me in a sum.
for being so stupid, moron, retard, idiot, which is why the above all happened to me.
which is why i went through all these shit.
shitdiot.
all i can say is, 心灰意冷.
utter disappointment.
utter hurt inflicted.
utter heart break all over again.
i don't even know what to do to heal it anymore.
seems like those old bandages gave way and the wound is revealed and a fresher wound requires even more bandaging.
a thousand layers maybe?
crying does the pouring out of everything i'm feeling now but that's the last thing i wanna do.
i will not cry.
i will not shed any tears over this.
no matter how pain it is.
conceal don't feel.
Are there medicine for heart aches and disappointment?
I wish there was.
Would have taken a million pills by then.
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