disgust

夜深人静。
哭得眼睛红透透。
哭得眼睛好肿。
为了一部戏。
但也并非如此。

just finished watching an extremely sad show.
that brought me to blogging right now.
legit in the middle on the night.
i'm glad i strived on and watched to the end, despite struggling through 10 boring episodes.
the ending brought me to tears but i wonder if it was truly the ending that brought me to break down like that or other reasons.

walked out of my room and saw mr lizzie again.
feels like i'm watching it grow.
from tiny to slightly bigger now.
and it feels like a dog that guards our house.
wandering around when everyone's asleep.
trying to hide yet always discovered by me.

yes the show was sad but i guess deep within me it just got sadder a thousand times worst.
the show reminded me of all the longing, leaving, pain and heart breaks i've felt.
it reminded me of the loneliness when you have lost someone, or when someone decides to turn their back against you.
which reminded me of that photo.
and the pain got pretty unbearable.
crying over the show or other issues?
i really dk.

and this brought me to a quote in sis room.

"we'd be foolish to think that those who have hurt us will not hurt us again."

i said true that back then, i say true that right now.
foolish is me.
foolish has always been me.
how do we forgive this time round?
there honestly isn't any room for forgiveness.
i can't believe i got hurt over the same thing thrice, and i wonder how much more there will be over the same bloody bitch and the same fucking issue.
each time a new discovery, the hurt just get a million times worst.
like now. like how i've been trying so hard to avoid how i really felt.
and how upset i am.
likewise, it was my fault to have discovered it.
it has always been my fault.
i get hurt for committing my own mistake.
i didn't knew such a thing exist.
look deeper, root cause of issue?
why did that photo took place?
how did it took place?
why?
was there a need?
who decided to take it?
who decided to pose in such a flirty manner?
"there's nothing".
really?
tell me to trust that, to believe that when i have in front of my eyes something so ridiculous i can't even apprehend.
it feels like having a relapse before a year was even up.
it felt like the wound hasn't even healed and now we are back to square one again.

why?
what on earth have i done to deserve such pain and agony all over again?
once bitten twice shy, i'm truly afraid to trust, to love, to hurt again.
and without trust, without love, i'm not moving on.
and i will not.
it took me ages.
now it's taken yet again another toll on me.
honestly this time round idk how.
it just disgust me.
whenever i see that fucking face i am reminded of that fucking bitch and that fucking picture.
i am reminded by how i have been loved and touched by someone so filthy and disgusting i feel fucked up.
i am reminded of those filthy hands who fed me so many mouths of food its disgusting i ate them.
i am reminded of those shoulders i lean on and rested my head on, it's fucking disgusting i can't even.
the thought of sharing those, it's all too fucked up really.
or say, having shared those.
it really disgust me.
i can't emphasise how disgusted i am.
it's disgusting and painful and aching to be reminded over and over again, each time i see that face, each time i'm speaking to that someone.

anything to relieve?
i wished that picture nv existed.
no, i wished that that relationship or my relationship didn't exist at all.
that way, no pain inflicted.
i said to stay away didn't i?
they don't know how hard i tried, to save a piece of me from breaking.
they don't know how hard i tried, to make him realise that a "friend" he desperately wanted that much, will break us.
they don't know how hard i tried, to type with eyes filled with tears.
they don't know how hard i tried, to stop them from falling.
they don't know.
how hard i really tried.

but now, look at where i am now again.
torn.
broken.
hurt.
disappointed.
i'm back to that turmoil i tried so hard to walk out from.
he sucks.
he sucks so much i rather hate than love.
they suck.
i hate them.
i hate the both of them.
i hate them so much.
i have really made a huge mistake in my judgement.
i take back all my faith i had.
i'm leaving faith for myself and no one else.
i'm leaving trust and love for myself and no one else.

it feels like i'm just an onlooker than a victim.
feels like i'm watching how happy they were while i'm here healing my very own heart, bandaging it up and watching the bandage go loose again.
if i could be forgotten, if i could be the least prioritised back then.
it says alot about those fucking shit he hangs out with and says alot about how much i meant to someone in their life.

it's just.
my love feels so betrayed. 
i guess i finally found what i wanted to say.
i feel so used.
and i feel so lied to.
i pleaded for true honesty, i pleaded for all truths to be told, i pleaded for all i could to trust and love all over again.
i gave chances over and over again, i tried over and over again.
but this discovery..simply proved that none of the above trying nor pleading worked.
there was no true honesty, there were only lies and "forgotten" memories.
i guess it was so fucking fun or probably it was too fucking normal to be like have forgotten something like that.
tbh, if this was how it is behind a lens, idk how else it would be without those lens.
probably a million times worst than what i saw.
and i can imagine all the humour and flirty conversations that betrayed every single thing i had holding for one person.

those words of endearment, those sweet nothings.
they were nothing but fake shit.
because if those were real, it wouldn't have been like that.
"most important person"? "most precious person"? "most beloved person"?
really?
the way of importance, preciousness and loving brought upon is too painful i can't handle it.
i really can't believe how 29 days can change someone into a monster that does nothing but hurt the one they claim to be "important, precious and beloved".
it is too terrifying to know.
it is too painful to bear.
it is too hard to trust.
it is too hard to love.

i really don't know how to love.
without being reminded of this.
and yes it is "just" a picture, a picture says a thousand words and those thousand words unsaid brought a thousand swords stabbing into my heart.
if he was in my heart, i must have 2 hearts.
because i wouldn't have been alive now with my heart aching and hurting so fucking bad.
i would really have died living off all these pain i have endured.
i no longer know how to move on.
there isn't a way i know of to stop this feeling of hatred disgust and mistrust.
time heals, but at the back of my mind, this will exist forever.
真的。。
太
痛
了
💔💔💔💔💔💔
a million broken hearts isn't even enough to fill up the ache nor the broken heart of mine.