late night musings & loves

bello!
was scrolling through fb vids.
i could do that forever.
and just got really thoughtful.
so i guess its gonna be a long post.
from sec till now.
everything that made me up today.

ohoh somebody tell me don't sing over the phone.
he say after i recover bring me go sing K!
hehehehehhe so happppy like a kid when the parent says after recover go eat ice cream.
kekekekkeke.
chuwa chuwa.
because it has always been me who suggest going to k than him proposing.
weeeeehooooo.
gonna banli banli recover hehehhe.
but how to go... also like no time go.
meh.

through every hardship, you make yourself stronger.
"the more you have went through in life, the more you can give."
true or not?
to some extent i believe in it.
because of all those shit you've been through, you become more tolerant, you become more understanding.
so does that mean that those who haven't been through that much give lesser?
maybe.

CO shaped my sense of hearing.
on all the musical notes.
all those long hours of practice.
all those weekends burnt, all the bondings with each and every member.
all the "seniors", whom i truly enjoyed with them.
through thick and thin, till today then i realised, those were the memories.
and i will nv be back in that kinda bond ever again.
thought of joining nypco, but practice after schools, when poly ends at 6pm.
then cca, end 10pm prob.
naa i've dedicated my youth to CO i don't think i can stay that committed.
but despite saying that, i'm still in awe at every CO performance i come across.
be it on video, social media, or free performances outside.
they always bring back much memories.
those days where i had the chance to play as a soloist.
i nv knew how great an opportunity that was until i graduated.
i mean the thought of being able to go solo in an orchestra, it simply proves that you are there in order to go solo.
it's something i nv realised until this day.
despite those quivering hands during the performance, despite those hours of practice, despite everything, i am thankful to have this chance.
台下十年功，台上一分钟。
you nv realise how true above sentence is till you've been through it.
those exasperating moments when i can hardly read the conductor's beat, screwing up the whole thing during full practice.
and the whole orchestra just sit there and wait for you.
damn stressful yet looking back today, they were some of those memories that will stay on forever.
all those co breaks, lunch breaks of chicken rice, each a cup, ock.
dinner breaks during performing days on external venues where we had endless bento meals.
tiny little me carrying something bigger and heavier than me.
and always getting those guys to help.
J, he always helped me with it if he were to join the performance.
since he only had a flute hhahha.
and all other seniors who would help me with it.
but me being me, who likes to do things on my own.
and scowling at ppl, those helpers backstage who knows nothing bout an orchestra, who handle my instrument in such a rough manner. >.<
have always told myself, would love to play a yangqin again if i could.
free play, and i wonder how much i rmb.
they always say, some things leave your mind but your muscles and limbs will always rmb them.
i wonder if that applies to me and yangqin too.
to me, it's a chinese piano.
like it has as many keys as the piano, just that keys are replaced with strings.
(:
happy bittersweet memories. (:

in msq, they trained my legs and maths skills.
not so much of management.
but calculation, services.
i will nv forget serving this HR executive of JL.
because she was one of the few who praised me for providing a good service, and told me to keep it up and how i could improve.
nv thought a part time job with a minor role of mine could earn me such praise and confident boost.
but because of her, she made me strived harder even though it was just a part time job.
i loved all my colleagues there too.
probably cos i was in menswear.
so thorn among the roses.
hurhurhur.
they treated so well i can nv ever forget their kindness.
whenever i told them it was my last day, not knowing if the company would renew my contract or not, they would have little cards and tokens prepared for me in case that was my last.
all the walks we had to the train station.
there's this smell of city hall and msq, that brings me back to those times.
it's the same as how ers smells.
and brings back memories of all those working experiences.
new foreign environments.
自己去闯闯一闯。
that was then that i realised what it meant by that sentence.
funny how these memories weren't clouded by sad memories.
i guess those were insignificant.
side track a little.
will nv forget what bff said, about the first who taught me what love was.
for that i'm grateful. (:
and during one of our recent meet ups, while i was whining to her about me keeping issues to myself, she offered me comfort just like before.
i mean idk, some deep issues where you will nv mention unless you have a deep convo.
i used to have it with sis i've lost it now.
used to have it with bull too but neh htht isn't htht anymore.
it's all replaced with food and plans and updates like that's all we have to talk about.
we've came a long way, loads of fights, how i hated her till how much i love her and need her in my life right now.
i'm thankful we both stayed.
i'm thankful we found one another.
she and sis, they were once the palm of my hands.
there's one that i can nv fix because of 1 fking guy.
but there's another one i can rely on.
thank you for offering such comfort, those simple words.
they meant a lot to me.
and i'm so glad we still have part of one another with each other.
haven't said this for long, but i love you my bff. (:
there was once a guy who made me choose over love or my bff.
i'm sorry guys, like it or not, you have to accept both me and her together.
there's no choosing.
to want a girl to choose, to be able to say shit like that, that guy simply have not grown up.
despite all the shit we've been through, her annoying shitty babarian character, that's what makes her unique.
so like it or not, suck it up.
as much as i love my partner, i know my friend is here to stay.
partner wise, i can't say i have as much faith of him staying than my friend.
we both don't have that much of time as we have before, but our hearts are with one another.
maybe i have 2 hearts, 1 for bff, another for bueller.
both are equally important.


then takasago shaped my sense of smell.
all those flavours in there.
how the senior chemist would get me involved in her R&D stuff.
i loved her while the rest of the people in the office didn't really do.
she reminds me alot of my xgm.
how all those chemical compounds, like millions of them, form up 1 smell.
like, 20 over chemicals with 4-ethyl-carbon-3-oxy-blah blah these long names, 20 over of them, to form 1 flavour called paprika.
my patience too.
damn accurate weighing of every single freaking compound.
not one gram more, not one gram less.
but it's damn cool to see how those powders and liquids going into maggi mee and potato chips.
and how just salt sugar pepper and probably onion powder and form up a delicious snack.
then daddy complaining every single time of how i smell like cos he pick me up from work on certain days.
some days he say i smell like candy, some day he says i smell like salted fish.
cons of working in a flavourhouse hahaha.
i miss the hokkien mee there.
one of my fav lunch.
this was the beginning of my ulu career hurhur.
but yeah, it was great experience.
side track alittle.
this brought me to bueller, because he went for OIP and not attachment.
good life.
which led me to thinking, about how i have always been presented with the opportunity but always missing it.
and i'm always so near to getting it, so damn near.
nyp oip was the first. followed by massey by nz.
i could have pursued my interest. it was such a great opportunity.
i missed it. got rejected.
then murdoch OIP.
cost was always the issue but honestly cost nv was the issue.
financial wise i believe we can afford it but it's just of some stupid decisions made behind closed doors that led to me not being able to have the chance to go.
and honestly, it is so damn unfair.
that sis get to go fudan shanghai for a month, and now to UK.
they were all optional can.
and not cheap?
feels shitty knowing it.
i could try again now, knowing well it might all lead to yet again another rejection and some hurtful exchange.
SIGH.

okay it's getting really late. and if i were to finish this post tonight i might have to sleep at 6am.
and then bull gonna nag me about it if he knows.
soooo shall post this first and edit the portion below next time.
my clock spoiled. it stopped ticking at a quarter to 3am.
it's only now that i realised it's half past 3 already.
why am i justifying.
ok goodnight peeps!

below portion & non edited version
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edited! 😊😊

in ccsb.
trained my strength and tolerance.
OT every single day, never ending work load.
returning on weekends.
it was crazy.
carrying water buckets with all those manufacturing uncles staring.
but kind and often very funny too.
very village style.
in the midst of updating this post.
i went through my stuff from ccsb cos i was packing my table.

All the pay slips and training etc that I’ve went through.

All the stupid emails that the boss print out for me.

All the rubbish job I had.

Then there was this day where I chanced upon this post, somehow the stats managed to show it, the day where I got called to do OT very randomly.

The first time I cried over work.

And felt so depressed about it.

Why me. Why why why and all the stuff I have msised by having to stay back.

And no dinner somemore.

I rmb spending a damn long time in the cubicle, refusing to get out.

And it was good cos it was during the weekends and there wasn’t much ppl around so I had the washroom all to myself.

It just sucked so much and it wasn’t something I’d forget till today.

Other than that, I also rmb all the chemical stuff I’d learnt and came across.

And all the kind uncles from manufacturing.

Who always give in to me and stuff, be it in the canteen or in the plant itself.

Getting all the free drinks and asking all of them to save the drinks for me.

Then taking longer than usual on purpose while collecting all the samples because I just wanted to spend more time talking and all, than return to the lab and start all those stupid testing.

but all in all i still miss them

and a very random QE who i didn't knew adored me that much. 

in gsk, they shaped my patience and precision.
everything to be accurate and precise.
zero wrong doings.
forever creating deviation.
forever getting blasted by all the chemist.
it was shitty but we went through it.
idk if it was the money or maybe daddy.
shift works.
nights shifts.
being afraid of the dark, feeling damn mong once sunrise.

Late night suppers and thinking of what to eat etc.
feeling damn thoughtful during certain shifts. 

That canteen that serves normal food. 

It’s just, packing my stuff reminded me of how I started out on that journey.

And all the letters of  promotions/increase in salary.

Trying hard to survive for 2 years, fulfilling what my QE told me.

Make your resume worth it by hanging on for at least aa year.

I was so proud that I did it after a year that I told her I’ve done what you told me to.

I hung on for a year. I did it.

I couldn’t believe I did it anw.

1 year plus of shift work.

And stresssss.

I feel amazed myself too.

Weekends burnt.

Otherwise is tired af, going for dates after morning shifts and before night shifts.

I am really amazed with how I did it.

I even felt cool myself hahaha. 

all in all, till today, i kinda finally realised what i truly wanted.
still in love with food industry.
maybe not the studying part, seeing how tough bueller is going through.
but the industry fits me well.
don't think i'm that much of an organiser person or management person, but you nv try you nv know.
but i do love experimenting, researching and developing.
there's something about food industry that sets itself apart from other industry.
not so boring, not so dry.
more fun, more interactive.
the people in there are just kinder for some reason.
maybe it's just my bias, maybe it's just my luck having met with good people and stuff like that.

i have this current obsession with dogs.
there are simply too many vids on fb that relates to dogs.
there's this growing interest in me with dogs when i don't even like them 2 years back.
bailey, and doggie movies has piqued my interest to adopt a dog.
but i can't because my family will nv allow.
also because i have a sensitive and asthmatic background.
these 2 reasons are enough to restrain me from adopting one.
it's not buying one, but adopting cos it's a lifetime commitment.
idk.
they just makes me go damn awwwwwww.
it's hardwork behind adopting one, but if it gives you that much of joy, maybe why not?

i also have this current obsession over fish leong's songs.
they are so dreamy, so simple and melodic.
listening to all her albums AND playlists.
saving so many of her songs into my playlist.
it's pretty crazy.
idk how to put it.
i just like her songs.
i mean i wouldn't even do this for JJlim or stephanie sun or jay chou.
but there's just something about her song that is sooo therapeutic.
her lyrics makes so much sense they could form a storybook.

also recently, i have this itch to bake.
sadly, my kitchen doesn't allow that.
and i don't really have the time to borrow a kitchen to bake too cos exams and assignments submission are just round the corner.
but have been looking through videos of baking stuff, say cakes and other pastry thinghy.
and would really love to try them out.
cheesecakes, fudge choc cakes.
i suck at biscuits and cookies so maybe not.
but would really love to try baking a cake of my own.
that would be eggciting hehehe.

then was browsing through various cake shops for my own birthday cake.
and i realised i like baby breaths alot.
they are so tiny so nice to touch so different from other flowers.
those huge nectar kinda flowers.
reasons why i hate sunflower.
i guess i just prefer flowers with smaller nectar.
like rose cos it's kinda concealed.
baby breaths cos it's tiny i can't even see.

i also like pastel and rainbow colours and stuff.
but not funky funky any rainbowish stuff.
only applies to food i guess?
pastel colour has this calming effect.
so preeetz.
and i really love my fairy lights
it makes to room so warm and cosy, it makes me less lonely.
they just make me smileeeee.
like wa so dreamy hehehe.
damn chuwa.

so wanna watch B & B.
1 more day!
but now i'm worried about bueller.
he has to sit through the few hours to pei me watch the movie.
plus it is so princess-sey and i totally forgot it was a muscial thinghy.
i love musical so muchhh.
so meaningful and so sense-ful.
idk.
these kinda things that usually applies to me will nv apply to him.
how. ):

that concern above was just extra.
bueller gave the show a rating of 4 out of 5!
he enjoyed it as welll.
hehehhe.
yay to more muscials together!
weeeee.
so happy iz me.