29 Jul

I'm done with November 9.
And the first thing I wanna do after that is to blog about 29 July.
With all honesty.
Comes this post.

I rmb waiting the entire day for his text.
He was supoosed to come find me while I had my self study in school.
I was worried when I left house because I was afraid he might be waiting down my block since he was asking for forgiveness(what wishful thinking).
Then I was afraid that he might be camping at my school waiting for me (another wishful thinking again).
But here comes nothing after the entire noon.
Not even a text.
And I was like wth?
Was he trying to surprise by calling or texting only when he reaches?
I tried hard to focus. And I did.
I flipped my phone over so that no notification or calls would disturbed my studies.
But was pretty bothered by the fact that there was no text from him despite pleading for this day.
I didn't want to see him a single bit even though I might have missed him because I know seeing him would make me confused and the wall that I've built up inside my might come falling down.
Almost 4pm, came his text.
That he slept. Till noon.
Wtf?
And to think that he wanted forgiveness?
What a joke to have jetlag when he didn't had any when he was there.
But sleep < forgiveness?
Then he goes on about how he feared when he say the time when he woke up etc.
What bullshit honestly.
You had this 1 freaking chance and this was what you did.
That doesn't seem at all sincere that you want to fix anything. At all.
Bt that might have been right since it had went on for a month.
Then he started calling, trying to explain obviously.
And you think I might give him a chance to do that?
Nah. Enough is enough.
Jetlag whatever nonsense, not taking any excuses or shit.
You want you come, I want I leave.
So done with this ass hole. 

I was a little hungry so I went down to get some food at about 5 plus, when we were chased out of the study room.
Bought fried rice and starbucks because I was so tired from the entire week, with all the study groups.
The portion was huge so I couldn't finish everything.
Brought home those leftovers.
Soon, it was 6 plus.
And I still don't see him.
From 4pm to 6pm, almost 7pm.
That's 3 hrs.
For a guy, seeking for forgiveness, I don't think it takes you 3 hrs to see your girl.
3hrs is more than enough for some bloody train in uk to somewhere else.
Or from one end of sg to the other.
And it doesn't take a guy that long to get changed and whatever not.
And honestly, I was extremely unproductive and was prepared to leave.
All the texts that came was are you still there?
Why do you bother honestly, when you overslept and took your bloody own sweet time to come?
And I swear this is the most screwed up guy ever and the most insincere apology or forgiveness ever.
Intentional or not, it's all excuses.
If you took it to hesrt, you would have abandoned everything without a second thought and made your way here.
And he still took public transport.
Come I clap for you.
When you know you are late, and don't know if the chance is still valid, and unsure if the person would still be waiting for you, the most common sense thing to do is literally rush out and grab a cab and all else can wait before you see the person.
To skip dinner when you have already overslept and took your own sweet time here, that is something you ought to do and not something of sacrifice.
Trust me on that when I said I would have left.
Too much bull shit really.
You know the phrase, whereby if you really loved someone, if you really want to fix things, you would have gone all out to do it.
For this case, there isn't any gone all out at all if you took into acct everything above and all the "de-motivated" attitudes.

And finally he was right in front of me.
This familiar figure yet almost a stranger to me standing right in front of my eyes.
He dare not come up to me.
Bt stand few feet away from me, enough for me to acknowledge his presence.
He looked distressed and I might have seen him winced a little when he saw me walking up.
I didn't knew what to say as I grabbed my starbucks and walked up to him.
I didn't even knew what to address him.
Because for one thing, he was no longer my dear.
For all that he have done, for all the disappointments he have created. And even for this day itself, he still never fail to disappoint me.
But as I approached him, I formed up what to say to him.
The first thing I said when I walked past him was do not touch me or come near him.
Because i know he has the urge to pull me into his arms.
And for once I was afraid and disgusted by the thought of him touching me.
Extremely fearful and disgusted of his touch.
The first thing he said to me was I've missed you dear.
He doesn't notice the indifference, he doesn't notice and doesn't realise the shit he has created.
I can't rmb what I replied, bt there were only 2 possibilities.
Either a firm no or I just ignored.
I haven't came up with a place that's private enough for us to talk.
But I decided with the counters at level 2.
We took the lift down. And I stood at opposite ends of the lift on purpose.
It was the most awkward lift ride ever.
And he was just looking at me, and it felt so uncomfortable with his gaze on me. 
It felt like if the lift doors isn't going to open anytime soon, he will pounce on me and eat me up alive in the elevator.
The longest minutes of my life.
And the door finally opened.
I walked ahead of him all these times and I didn't really care if he was following me closely.
I chose the last counter and thankfully it was on weekends so it was quiet and nice.
Awkwardness strike once again. So I kept drinking my starbucks.
He wanted to have a sip but no I'm too disgusted and uncomfortable in his presence so not letting him share anything btw us.
Whatever that he has done, has made us drifted to a point I don't want to share anything with him at all.
He can share with those ppl he share meals with daily for that month.
All the saliva. All the mains.
The thought of it is disgusting af.
And now you wanna share something with me?
Dream on.
All his attitudes and actions.
We were seating diagonally side by side.
I have no idea what to start or where to start even though I kept asking myself and imagining the scene.
And I gave up on formulating something in my mind so heck it, just do impromptu.
Now that I needed to do impromptu, I was mind blank.
So we started on our talk when I prompted for him to talk/explain since that was the whole purpose of the meet up that day.
He started with, honestly there isn't anything much to explain and it's not like there was anything wrong.
Whao. You good. Egoistic shit.
You are here for forgiveness and after so long you haven't realised your mistake and still think that nothing is wrong everything is fine?
Rage up fire up.
Doomsday that's it.
Hearing that, the disappointment starts all over again and it makes me wonder why I even agreed on meeting him.
I mean seriously?
He doesn't know how many times I have shook my head in disappointment mentally in my head or when he was gone.
The only constant thing he ever does, is lead me down the path of disappointment.
Couldn't even believe in my ears.
And I was really speechless, I have nothing I want to say to this guy ever again.
My heart went dead.
I could feel it.
All the nonsense floating around my head "Love you the most" "wait for me" "I will fix us" "I will repair your heart" "will you give me another chance" were all washed away at that instance.
Another instance where I would kick the chair away and walked away.
But if I did that he night have grabbed me and I didn't want him touching any of me because he had his dirty hands holding bags for other woman(s).
And also given his hunger for me, if I walked away he would definitely win because I highly doubt I can outrun him given his height and strength.
I can't rmb how the convo went but I figured this is going to take extremely long and so I went back up to take my bag.
And then he asked if I had dinner.
Ofc I had else you think I'll wait for you?
You aren't in that same position in my heart anymore to have me waiting for you and sacrificing my hunger.
I took my bag and my study mate was about to leave too.
Thanks to her, I was required to ease the awkwardness btw us by speaking normally.
Can't rmb what were the small talks about probably about dinner.
He decided to eat at the rice bowl korean shop.
And during our walk there it felt wrong to be walking side by side with him inches close beside me.
The gap should be wider because as of then, I have given up all hopes on this guy and he isn't someone I used to know anymore.
The guy I knew wouldn't have abandoned his favourite girl for his friends.
The guy I knew would have done all he could to repair his relationship despite his absence.
The guy I knew wouldn't have let his favourite girl hurt so much.
I'm pretty sure the guy I knew died.

So we entered the rest.
And he had to sit beside me.
And he was actually happy that I was accompanying him for his dinner.
Really?
I was the least happy about it.
Maybe my inner me screamed at me to lunge at him or cut him some slack, but no.
Not after all that I've been through.
Not after being in such a pain that even needles or cramps can't do.
And so I sat and watched him eat.
And he asked if I wanted a bite of it.
The last thing I want to do, is share a meal with him.
That was disgusting too.
He shared a table with those people, at a place he said to bring me.
And now you are here with me on a table wanting me to take a bite of your food?
No thanks.
Be glad I didn't flip the table around or threw the bowl at your face thinking and acting nonchalant like nothing has ever happened at all.
Sharing a meal with you is not going to happen.
In your dreams.
Sharing saliva with you is a nono.
Never ever.
Spit my saliva at your face? Yes. 

After he was done, I thought I was freeed.
He wanted to go for a walk but no.
All I wanted to do is get away from him and get back to my comfort zone.

Then the unexpected took place.
He tailed me all the way home.
Followed is an agreement. Tailing isn't.
Forced to, purposeful.
And I thought of running away again.
In btw stops. Anywhere.
And it seemed like he could read my mind because he pinned my against the sides of the train and I couldn't escape at all.
There were seats avaliable but I refused to sit because I didn't want to be thst close toward him.
And it reminds me of the train rides he took with them.
Yucks.
But he was inches close and I could smell his breath.
That doesn't smells like him at all.
Had a close look of his face and it was quite bad.
Here I am trapped on a homebound ride with the person I don't even want to see.
I expected him to see me off somewhere.
But he ended up going all the way home with me.
Trust me, that doesn't help a single bit for all that he has done.
Yes it was that bad because I was so done, locked out, locked down.
He pleaded for me not to be harsh at the station. Cmon if he ever felt the hurt inflicted, this harshness he was faced with was nothing at all compared to what I had.
You screwed up big time.
When I reached my block, I feel relieve coming. 

But now he request to go to the park to continue the talk.
What???
He stopped me from pressing the buttons.
Blocked me from getting into the lift.
Gosh hopeless max.

If there's one thing that he won me over, it was his annoyance. It wasn't even determination. Annoyed to the extent where you give in. Not because he did anything special for you to be won over.

And so I relented.
And we headed to the park.
We sat by the bench for the longest time ever.
At least 2 hours, or 3.
He cried.
Or teared.
Yes it broke my heart but I refused to give in.
Not after all those shit I've been through.
And I cried more than those tears that escaped from his eyes.
And he finally understood the seriousness of the matter.
Through the months, my heart have hardened time and again for this person.
And on 29 Jul, nothing changes.
He pleaded.
I heard his inner thoughts.
It was a deep and heartfelt conversation that took place.
I thought I would cry all over again when we talked about it.
I didn't, because enough.
Enough tears for my entire life.
I thought my heart would break into a million pieces when I see him.
It didn't. Because it was already so broken.
It's something I threw to the back of my mind, to the bottom of my heart to never feel it again.
It's something that is hidden beyond me. Until maybe someday.
And even on that night, I still tried. Tried hard for him to apprehend everything.
I think it worked a little.
But honestly, a month is too long to fill in after not being in touch for thst long.
There was alot of touch and go and no details.
I rmb giving him a chance to detail everything but there wasn't any.
Very brief, very vague, as though afraid that going into details would hurt me even more.
There was a constraint and I know that whatever I've been told were simply the non detailed version.
Maybe because of that, till this date, I'm still hoping for one.
And that probably links back to make up day.

Throughout the entire talk, he wanted to hold me.
But being touched by him still makes me feel disgusted.
I know he wanted every part of me. I didn't wanted any part of him
Not even his heart.
I didn't want him the same way I wanted him as before.
I wasn't even sure I wanted him.
Part of me might said yes but most of me said no.
He wanted to kiss me but no.
He have lost me entirely.
The entire part of me was being engulfed by the hurt and disappointment.
Keeping his touch away from me took great efforts.
But one amazing weapon was sanitizer.
He hated that.
I love my sanitizer.
Things wouldn't have landed in such a state had there been more effort during that month.
There wouldn't be that much of disgust if I was treated in the right way and he behaved well.
Serves him right for not being able to lay a finger on me.
Totally deserved it.

3 grueling hours finally ended.
I was so damn tired.
If I didn't rmb wrongly, it was almost midnight when he left.
And he naively thought that public transport was still avaliable.
And didn't even had enough cash to cab back.
So I did what I would have done for anyone I knew in that situation.
I booked a cab for him and lent him $ for the cab.
And to think that he was touched and delighted by this gesture because I actually done something for him.
Seriously?

The next few days were a blur because my mind and heart were confused and I was in the midst of preparing my exams.
It sucked alot.
When I should be all focused on my papers.
I rmb him sticking up to me like a lizard.
Looking me up at school. Etc etc.
And I rmb the Shiokness when I didn't need to report my whereabouts or update about it.

Oh I rmb meeting him for lunch at his house and he overslept.
AGAIN.
the number of times he has overslept or fell asleep while waiting for me or before meeting me, it is countless.
And I even bought him his lunch, which he threw away.
What even.
Unappreciated max.
And reason being? I scolded him for over sleeping so he had no appetite.
What? You were wrong to have overslept and I can't even reprimand for that?
Then I can't rmb what happened after that but I rmb not allowing him to touch me for a long long time.
His touch on my skin just felt extremely weird.
And for some reason it felt really disgusting as right as it seems.
We had a deal that we were just friends for time being.
But he have never ever thought of me as a friend.
Too bad. Because he was just a friend since then.

Oh then we had his birthday celebration and he deserved nothing at all. I had nothing prepared.
Was bz mugging so I met them for dinz.
Whatever they did, I didn't really care.
For i'm wasn't in any position to care given the past month.
Dinner was ok and someone turned sulky again because he has lost it all.
Seriously..whatever.
Things became better only when I spent time alone with him.
Tbh, he shouldn't even be worth that much of my effort.
But I did only what was right even though it was against how I felt.
We visited his gram and everything sort of ended happier? For him at least.
For me there wasn't any difference.

Then idk how somehow.
We are where we weere today.
So have anything been resolved? Nope.
Was anything done? Nope. Except talking.
See, till now I'm still trying to justify for make up day. And still wanting it.
How pathetic really.

this post went on beyond 29 jul.

i just felt a need to bring them all out before i forget how i feel.

and the urge to blog about then was stronger after the book on november 9.