like after hearing stories.
you get judged from stories not told personally.
you get judged from pursuing your own rights.
it's hard to ignore it's easier said than done.
but i am affected by it.
bite the bullet that's my style.
never say never that's my style.
we can do this that's my style.
but I guess something happened.
and are there consequences yes there is.
and pretty hurt that people are judging you from what they know and thats not the truth.
losers. choosing the easy way out. disappointing more ppl you knew. stories spreading like wildfire. I guess what's more disappointing is probably someone you looked up to.
that kinda sucks and that kinda feels wronged.
but you know it's like you dont have to explain to the whole world.
but at least get it from my mouth.
regret is never in my dictionary but for this it is indeed regretful.
not thought through.
things that insensible people do.
and then suddenly it feels like it wasnt even your decision.
the shit the mess.
never thought I would ever land in such complicated mess.
is this one wrong move?
idk but it was really mixed feelings throughout.
and then suddenly you just wanna hide and stay low.
but then again why should you when it's something you fought for, stood against your own rights?
havent done before doesnt mean cnt do.
the sad thing is the image you have built is instantly torn down by a story that was not told by you.
and also people whom you thought knew you gets muddleheaded with the stories they heard.
but people who stood by you knows you no matter how many stories there are.
sad to say the latter is few.
and you know, I have always thought that when you choose something, you need to find something that suits you and also also fit them.
it works two ways.
doesnt this apply to the current scenario?
maybe not.
beggars cant be chosers.
and how you cant say the truth out loud.
hiding this and that.
and receiving all the repercussions.
the image built torn down by untold stories & hidden truths.
but you know what? you could repeat the exact story word for word to 100 people, you will be amazed at the different responses given and how many actually understand where you are coming from.
so sometimes dont waste efforts.
if they know you, they know. if they dont, they really dont.
pretty amazing no?
going for your own rights yet getting into deep shit.
one thing I really hate about what I am doing now, is not being able to be my true self. and everything is fake.
you need to fake this you need to fake that.
nothing can be overly truthful. everything has to be tweaked.
why?
did I mention how much I hate to be at the bottom of the whole process?
nothing within my control, no matter how you try. you gotta suck up to them, nothing within your decisions.
that's pretty tiring.
and its really pretty amazing.
I always hate losing myself over various things cos I love myself more than anything I guess.
when it comes to that stage idk, I start being unhappy about the things I do I guess.
times are different. people change. they judge you based on stories they hear, not from the you they knew.
people think you changed because you are no longer the version they knew.
but in all actual fact that's not even the case and not even close.
on a side note.
picked up sumkikko and took a sniff.
and I missed you again.
wondering if I'm the one who is reluctant on giving up your smell or just using sobi as an excuse.
once it's gone its really gone.
she smells different from you.
yours is more intense, hers is more salty.
she seems better now. I guess maybe me too?
just occasionally and sometimes a gush still comes and I still miss you.
I heard there was a big moth that day.
was it you? like the song title: 听说爱情回来过
if it was thank you for coming by, thank you for not scaring me.
I really hope you are in a better place.
and that rainbow that day. was it you too?
idk why. not the first hammie but I'm feeling this way. I guess you have a really special place in my heart :)
or maybe i just thought you were a next habobo, jumpy sealy like him, long life like him but I was wrong.
it's hard still. looking in the cage and only seeing 1. and watching her do things alone. sometimes I wonder what is she thinking.
was she keeping a lookout for you or what.
from time to time I look out at the sky. the vast blue sky. the endless night sky.
and suddenly I just really miss travelling.
blue sea, sea breeze, sun tanning, book, relaxing, buffet breakfast, nua.
sigh. and then I would think of you too.
how this cb taught me.
how I would love to have you aa family.
I guess for someone whom you know for 10 years, theh are no longer friends but family.
and I wish you were part of family too.
then we could be together.
I guess i havent shared here. but so many times I wished things would played out differently.
wished we were way faster.
future always seems so rocky.
while we were set on moving forward the next step, now come halt in constructions and all.
and the possibility of increased price and the current economy and all.
but yea, one of the biggest regret this cb.
family I cant choose. but my own timeline, that's something i had control over and with.
and while everyone else is asking: what is it about the normalcy that you miss? the crowded trains? the working environment?
well I had the answer a long time ago. the thing about normalcy that played the biggest part of which I missed, is you.
you were part of normalcy. dinner dates, time together, being able to meet.
if I hadn't made it possible I wouldnt even dared imagine how it would be now.
technology so useful but we used none.
we did like 2 video calls for whole 2 months.
we had no virtual dates at all.
htht that's normal. but I really thought we would have done something better and tried to still date virtually or however possible.
so if without the possibilities, would there have been deliveries then?
the driving 2hrs to send food?
then while I tried doing my part for what I couldn't do, the cooking the driving 2hr to send food, I ordered food.
backfired.
what cb has taught me? virtual technology does not work on us.
but all in all, I know no complaints but be contented and always be appreciative. cos we always do the best we can in all situations that we were put in.
and the rules in place before all these, meeting is primary others are secondary.
2 months. once each week.
amazing? yea very.
you dont know how much I hope for it to end so I can freely and openly hold and embrace with all my might.
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