sad

Hello bloggie again.

izzit 2020 gonna be a year where im back in action posting frequently?
i cant believe that i only had less than 10 posts for 2019.
can you even believe it?
i wonder what happened.
work happened.

im at a stage where i feel so depressed.
that even tho im so sad, i can't seem to cry or unleash.
telling myself its all gonna be okay, everything will be okay.
idk.
last time i would have cried alot. but now its just..
alot of have happened in the past month and in the past 1 week.
like you can tell 10 people what really happened and they would all react differently.
would they really understand or emphathize where you are coming from?
im not too sure.
but recently it just feels liks 24 hrs isn't enough anymore.
not enough for me time, not enough for friends time, not enough for everything.
and it feels like i have neglected alot of things.
and im just constantly tired.
like really really tired.
and constantly stressed.
there are so many so many things that i wanna do.
like since december, but i've just been so so so busy that i am either resting when im free or just simply doing nothing at all.
like packing my cupboard/ spring cleaning.

i just feel like since last november, my life have been thrown into a whirlwind.
like a series of misfortunate events, and i keep telling myself is okay, as long as everyone is safe intact alive and together that's all that it matters.
i didnt cry when all of that happened.
idk why, but i didnt. not even now.
i havent cried for a long time to be honest.
i watch movies/shows, no i dont cry.
the most i tear. and that's about it.
you feel that pain, but thats all it goes.
you tell yourself to snap out of it and life continues.

and im also thrown back to the time where i had very low confidence in myself, where everything felt like ground zero.
yeah it will work out, probably things will get better.
but im not sure where to get confidence for all these.
not after you feel like a blur sotong at work, having a blur coordinator who doesn't do great, and work is just insane.
like now, sleeping knowing that you have 11 on your to do list.
and then also coming home knowing you have so many things undone over the weekends cos you chose to rest instead.
iron clothes, clean shoes, fold clothes, clearing some work stuff.
but still not done yet.
prioritising, yes. but look at the end of the day, the to do list doesn't get crushed away.
and then look at them time. 1am again as always on monday night after im done with all my stuff.
do i want to sleep early? yes. i would love to.
but there's so many things to do and there is only one of me.
i rmb last friday, v day.
i had this stupid RFP to be submitted in 24hrs.
i passed everything else to jen to do, but still couldn't finish it.
and v day, bf even said end work early tmr ah.
i ended at 7 plus. after rushing and still couldn't finish.
i wish it could be like a snap of fingers. done.
but so many SOPs to read because they were legally reviewed and stuff and you can't afford to make mistakes despite wanting to do it fast.
over the past week, i have made so many mistakes cos i wanted to complete it quickly.
and you know what happened? i was under such tremendous stress last friday cos i was last to leave, it was v day, i was so late, i had this shit RFP to do that i actually teared up in office. like i just looked at my screen and then it became blurry with tears. but you just wipe away, swallow up the sadness and just continue what you had to do.
part of growing up? no i don't want to.
i just felt so helpless that despite my wishes for everything i wanted, i ended up doing everything i didn't wanted against my wishes.
and like you just make the situation worst when you tried so hard to make it good.
and you know how all these time lost will never come back again?

then dealing with clients.
all the rude ones.
nasty ones. shouting at you.
demanding this demanding that.
fuck you la.
just feels like im their slaves doing everything to please them when i should be the one getting pleased.
feels so shitty to get screamed at and hurled insults and backstabbed by someone you dont even know.
it hurts alot on that very day. i could feel tear at my eye brim, i was in shock, i didn't knew what to do.
till now, whenever i communicate with them, its like once bitten twice shy.
i have been really careful cos i dont want the same thing to happen, and i do not wish to take anymore insults or conversations treating like a fool when they are they idiots.
and whenever i communicate with them, it just brings me back to that day.
yes ofc im disappointed with what i have done, it is a mistake to learn, it is to move on.
but it is so hard.
like there is this emotional and mental scar, it came too suddenly and its hard to like just move on.
like you could tell this to everyone and they would say lesson learnt move on but im sorry it isn't really that simple nor is that the case.

and i just feel like i fail at managing things. time, stuff, people.
like managing the groups. i just feel shitty.
time, needless to say.
within the past week, i've grown to hate and despise what i do.
like i dread it so much.
the never ending list to do, the deadlines, the stress.
its just too much.
there is only one of me
what do you want me to do?
and also, the work life balance thing, last time there was a little balance.
now there's no balance at all.
you know how much i wish to have time to do my own things?
like packing my room and all.
but i just don't have the energy to.
mega ultra sian.
it just feels like i have hit rock bottom again. after striving so hard.
and facing clients everyday, it makes me tired too.
but i realised in the working world, everyone has their own set of clients no matter what.
like even in finance, you have banks and transaction companies to work with.
just feel like maybe im only fit to be a coordinator.
things were much more simpler. never knew it would be this hard seriously.
and monetary wise, for this amount of shit.
worth it or not?
but even if it were to be higher, pockets full but heart is empty.
but now, i just feel damn poor and heart is empty too.
like the money earned so little until it is meaningless. then the work is so much and clients are shitty that your heart just feels numb and shitty too.
no one is there to tell you right from wrong, wrong from right.
no one is there to teach you.
you are just individual, alone, on your own.
dk then ask. but i'd like it better if i had a senpai or someone to learn or teach me.

so sick of this feeling.
restless, sleeping without peace cos you worry about the next day.
things unsettled. need follow ups.
life still goes on but this isnt the life i wanted.
then nvm, sleeping late. then cab again.
then kenna scolded again.
im just so tired and things are so heavy like laptop all that sometimes i just don't feel like going through the long stupid journey the hustle and bustle.
peace is something i treasure alot now.
it s rare and hard to get.
xin lei.
hao lei.
hao nan guo.
and its like im so tired to care, about anything or everything.
like everything other than work and deadlines, they all fall under idc.
but it isn't really like i dont care, but more of like i dont have any ounce of energy to even care.
and i dont even feel happy anymore.
like nothing really makes me happy, work is meaningless.
the same people everyday, none of them i can click with.
and yes ofc i miss my buds too but just know that the good times are over.
current is what you have, those people who are nothing like buds, nothing like anyone.
they dont know what i want, dont know me, dont know who am i or how i am like.
so be it. also dont want waste so much energy on them.
but its just sad, no buddies at work.
and who knows it would be so bad.
i guess few months really got me into a habit.
bad habit.
and i always keep my distance, cos idk who to trust.
but i know better not to trust than to trust cos they will spread and speak ill.
unlike previously where all are kept in between.
everything play by ear and cautiously.