Back off

Hi bloggie.
The day have come.
For me to come to you.
I guess when there's an outlet I don't need you.
When there isn't any and when I need one, here I come.
Tonight, I let the tears rush out from holding them back so hard this evening.
From wanting so desperately to go home and curl up on my bed since that moment.
Tonight, the first time since that episode of drama 3 months ago.
I wish I had my hammies with me.
Like yuki, they tend to make me feel better.
I was talking to them with my heart just now, I wondered if they heard me.
But I guess they didn't because they are not yuki and we are not close at all.
And I was hoping to spark some reactions with them.
They don't sleep with me at night, I don't watch them late at night.
It is not them who knows I'm shedding tears now unlike yuki who would know and would stick his nose out as though to comfort me.
So all I can do right now is look through their album for some comfort and rmb some happy moments from it to take away the current pain I'm feeling.

Logically speaking, it is illogical to be kicking up a big fuss over something.
Illogically speaking, it is logical to be kicking a big fuss over it.

I don't even want to try doing it.
No I don't.
It has brought me more suffering than anything.
Worries.
And a lot more than what I can put here.
I have been through it, and I don't want to go through it a billion more times.

It was so heart wrenching to be going through that conversation.
It was so hard.
It was so bad.
It was crushing down so badly on me.
I needed to hold back all my tears and bring back my logical sense to keep the talk going on to make it sensible.
Everyone is selfish.
And for myself, for my heart, I'm not doing it again.
I'm not putting myself through what happened back then.
This time round I will avoid completely.
I won't even try.
I will just back off cos I know I can't take any of those shit.
It is beyond my tolerance.
I'm not sitting through something I know will keep stirring shit and still plunging into it.
I'm not getting into something that will turn everything sour.

Trust me when I say it is NOT going to work from talking.
What are the chances since you know that rekcuf so well?
Spoil our reputation? Spoil my reputation?
And no I'm not giving in any chance cos I don't even want to try.
Why put myself through such agony when I can easily back up?
Its more than just WORK trust me.
It's those flirtatious fucking exchanges.
What about lunch? 5 days per week.
Mias?
Free labours?
Free meals?
Ot?
And more and more you can ever think of.
Yes there might be another someone then so be it.
There's only one me and this is all I'm taking.

No matter what, with You, I will always be that shadow.
I will only be behind and walking in the shadow of you.
Forever.
No one sees me no matter what I do.
Why bother.
At the end of the day who hurts?
Me.
Don't be stupid girl.
Don't even bother.
Impressed? Appreciation? Probably countable with 1 palm.
Don't talk shit to me I hear no shit.
Obviously don't know how it feels cos it has never ever occurred to you before.
It infuriates me and gets me pissed and upset.

Yes it is silly.
But no I'm not going there.
Find someone else.
Not me.
可惜不是你陪我到最后。
I know I didn't wait quad years to come to such nonsense.
Then might as well be full fledged quad years before and earn some tax $.
Probably if one day I see you down the road being successful from it, I might just be happy for you that you did it with someone else beside you.

Also, since Then, I decided not to try so hard anymore.
You understand, you understand.
You know, you know.
No point communicating and trying when my pain and emotions are not felt.
No point trying to explain so much knowing at the end of the day I will still be shaking my head in disappointment for the lack of understanding.
Like I said, people who knows me knows I can be read like a book.
So easy so transparent that I often fall for the prey in overdivulging.
So so so many times I couldn't bear to speak but just nodded my head.
In disappointment or not? Not too sure.
So so so many times I had to kept my composure and hold back my tears and try to think of a sensible reply.
Come to think of it now, why do I even care?
To come to a decision like that is already insensible knowing all too well.
The times where you shake your head in disappointment, together with that crushing feeling I'm your heart and throat thick with overwhelming sadness and tears?
Idk how many times have I done that.

If I'm going to back up now and be shattered so be it.
It beats having to be shattered EVERY NOW AND THEN because of it.

Tbh, if you want, go for it.
It's not threatening, just that I will back up should that be your decision.
I hate being someone's/anyone's obstacle and I would gladly remove myself from it.
If having that makes you happy, I give my support.
And even if I don't, I'm sure there's plenty others who would.
Doesn't matter if I do or not since I'm merely a shadow.
Just don't try.
Don't bother trying, cos I won't even bother.
I was set once I heard the news, I was set previously before I hear it when I was just thinking about it like many many months ago when offer for the event was up.
I was set not because of my anger.
I was set because I know all too well that nothing good comes out of this.
I am set because I refuse to take this agony when the only job you had was to keep what's yours happiest and making others jealous and not the other way round.

"Do I look like I care about his opinion?"
I rmb this hard stale sentence.
All I could do was to not shake my head and keep all the breaks in.
No you do not, you do not need to care about anyone's opinion.
Just do whatever you want cos you are the king and no one else matters.
Probably only the one who hunted you and the other rekcuf that their opinions matter cos their lead are perfect that you will gladly obliged no matter what.