Hopeful retard

Feels redundant to be typing all these down.
But I guess it needs an outlet.
Emotional turmoil because I can't seem to breakdown yet but suddenly feeling super sad and disappointed.
I can feel it internally bt I can't seem to release it.
有时伪装只是不想让自己感到失望失落受伤。

As much as I try to understand and appreciate today, I would be lying if I said I'm not disappointed and it's ok.
I am so not okay now.
And I nv thought I would be this not ok.
I wished that call didn't took place and wished I hadn't think of the past years.
Now that I actually thought about it, the real disappointment takes place.
Yes it is lame and silly that I'm crying over something so trivial, and as much self assurance I give myself it doesn't seem to help.
And this time round I don't feel like accepting any apologies at all.
This is the countless time he apologised for something like this.
And it happens again.
You know how it feels?
Like an entire class of nursery kids, all of them received a sticker on children's day except for you. Then the teacher tell the kid sorry sorry forget give you sticker.
Even though you had a great time playing before that, which everyone was enjoying too, it feels sour to be the only one who didn't get it. And it doesn't feel the same when you do get it even though you might feel slightly better about it.
As silly as it sounds, it's pretty much how it feels right now.
On a special day like that, there should be a longer play time with stickers/pressies not just the playtime itself.
I guess this is partially the reason why I refuse to do anything.
Because what I get is only and always the minimal.
Despite countless reminders and hints and confrontations.
Nothing ever works.
Should have known that isn't it?
So silly is me.
At the start it was like that, should have known.. I should have known.
Nothing changes.
The most we get is a meal.
I should make a mental note to myself.
Next time for all occasions.
And for my part I need to make a mental note that a special meal it is. No need for anything more or anything else.
And time and again I find myself in such a situation where it hurts because I'm disappointed.
Maybe it's a last lesson, to stop all sorts of wishful thinking.
It's not all about the flowers, but like not even a card? Or a teeny gift? Or even a note?
Nothing?
Sent home? No?
本来可以很圆满的结束一个非常愉快的一天，结果非常痛心的结束了原本完美的一天。
Or izzit need prepare checklist for everything next time? Will that work?
Neh don't think so.
有那么难吗?
I'm not asking for the stars or the moon.....
I'm only asking for ................. a little something....
Soooo.
Sad.
Crycrycrycry.
Even a 70 year old grandpa gets a flower for his deceased wife yearly, to prove that he hasn't forget her and she will be his one and only love.
Must I be deceased too? Or am I worth lesser than a deceased?

I guess this is why married couples rarely celebrate this day.
I'm not even married.
But I get to play and eat.
When I'm married, I might get to eat.
Then as years goes by, it will end up to be nothing.
I guess that's how it goes.
Everything will only become lesser.
So maybe next year, only have time to eat, at home.

The clock strikes 0000 at this juncture.
It all ended, in a sad manner.
I became a loner, sobbing in bed.
Soaked in tears.
Finally they found a way to make it through from my heart to my eyes and to my sheets.
I saw a notification from insta. I thoight I had a surprise of being tagged in a photo or something.
How silly of me. Nothing of such sort obviously.
And I still wished and hoped for it.
It was simply a notification on how ppl who hadn't posted for a long time finally posted something.
Silly me too, came to my room once I was home.
Thinking there might just be something.
Nothing too.
Really too silly idk to laugh or cry or go bang walls for being such a hopeful idiot.
Why even.
Wouldn't be in this agony if I wasn't hoping at all.

Yes it beats having nothing at all.
Yes it beats not being able to meet at all.
Yes it beats being alone.
Yes it beats all else.
For that I am truly appreciative and thankful but still unable to get over it.
Like some sulky kid who didn't get her sweet even after bringing her to the playground to play.

I'd be lying if I said I don't want flowers.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanted to get sent home.
But I wasn't lying when I said I didn't want because I honestly thought there was some other surprise or gifts or something awaiting to fill up the part without flowers.
Or even the simplest, a social media post.
I was lying when I said I didn't want those because I don't want to be that un-appreciative bitch who condemns someone's effort by looking for a place to dine admist this hectic period and be that inconsiderate bitch to insist on having some over priced flowers shit on a day like that. Or be some selfish bitch who makes someone even more tired by running both ends of the country just to send her back.
Honestly it was all I wanted and I could have it if idgaf about how whoever feels.
So I guess right now that selfish un appreciative inconsiderate bitch just brought it upon herself for a night like this, mending her heart again and feeling sour and sulky and all.
Then going all over about it again and again and sleeping late and feeling tired once again.
My take? Flowers are exp on this day but there are alternatives like handmade stuff or other stuff. Little notes or whatever.
It's not everyday that you give her flowers or gift or letters or cards or notes.
It's not everyday that you send someone home why not sacrifice for one day. It doesnt hurt it doesn't require breaking a bone or bleeding.
If that's all you can do to fill up for the gift less day why not?

I had an extremely enjoyable day.
From start till end.
Minus this last 3 hrs.
But it's not helping this sadness that I'm feeling at all.
Sucks to be falling asleep with a heavy broken heart.
Oh well.
Suck thumb.
Serves me right for being hopeful and wishful once again.
Heart needs to learn it's lesson.
Bucker up, freeze it, don't let it hope don't let it wish.
死了这条心吧..

I'm so tired reasoning with myself.
Reasoning in my head.
Conclusion?
1. Stop wishing and hoping, nothing changes.
2. Apology will not be accepted this time round, I had enough disappointment. 1st year even though can't be helped, last yr, this year.
Once bitten twice shy. Bitten third time. Too shy. Enough.
1 year, 4 main occassions. V day, birthday, anniversary, xmas. Maybe new year but that doesn't include flowers/gift etc.
Basic protocol: gift + card/ gift + flowers/ card  + flowers/ flowers only/ gift only/card only, and a meal and time and maybe surprises if required/any.
Alot?
Yeah I guess. 4 is alot and basic protocol too.