reading loves and proj weight down

finally in reading mode.

400 + pages in 3 days.

that's only 1 full day that i spent on reading to book, the rest of the days were just few hours and minutes here and there.

because i can.

i love reading, but somehow i stopped.

i really do because trust me when i say i'm a vivid reader.

bull once asked me how do i know certain things, i told him idk.

now that i'm back to reading, i'm 100% sure my "knowledge" came from these countless books i've read.

i've been reading since young, and my fav place has always been the bookstore.

mum and dad bought us books rather than borrowing, probably to use up the vouchers we receive yearly. 

but i love new books.

i love the smell of the new books, cos it's all yours.

i love the touch of books. 

flipping the pages.

i hated borrowing because the books were always old and crumpled and very very used.

i hated the musky smell of the books because they were kept in the shelves and the dirtiness of it since many people have touched it and brought to many many places before.

i feel disgusted to touch a borrowed book in fact.

but then it occurred to me that it was actually quite silly to buy a book, read once, the most thrice, and it would be unseen.

so borrowing doesn't sound that bad.

sis helped me downloaded a few e-books on my phone. 

but i really dislike reading on screen cos it makes my eyes extremely tired.

and i would really rather hold a book and read than hold my phone to read.

we spent almost our life on phones already, i wouldn't want to look at it anymore if i wanted to read.

reading is a hobby that takes part of me away, that i can ignore the entire world and let myself be absorbed in the story.

reading on phone doesn't make me feel this way.

which was why i was so bent on borrowing the books even though i have it in my phone, and was disappointed when i couldn't find the book.

also, reading improves my command of english.

if i hadn't read so much, my english wouldn't have improved a single bit.

it doesn't matter whether it is fiction or not, just read and keep reading.

but not journal articles for sure. 

and honestly, all the descriptive words i ever know of, i got it from books.

fav book during teens was princess diaries, and books by ahern.

i've read ALMOST all of ahern's books, with a few that she wrote within these few years that i haven't read yet.

princess diaries, i read ALL 7 parts.

harry potter too actually, but i couldn't stand reading those thousand pages books so i read only a few but watched all the movies thanks to sis.

roal dahl. read ALL.

jodi picoult, stories of abuse and stuff. 

all the good authors.

and now, colleen hoover.

damnnnn. 

i think this is the 4th book of her's that i'm reading.

and all got me hooked up immediately.

chanced upon her book on play store and decided to read.

that's where it all began.

a good book as defined by me is when the first page of the book makes you want to read on.

i borrowed a ridiculous book and didn't even read past 20 pages.

i brought it overseas, i had a hard time reading it for days.

the plot was so question mark i didn't even want to continue reading.

a good book is also, when the author is able to make you fall in love with the characters in the book, the way they were created were so beautiful you just fall in love with them and the story unknowingly.

a good book, is when you read the story and touching parts actually overwhelms you and you cry over it, as though watching a show/movie.

to many, such books are just words. or a book-book. because they aren't connected with the contents.

to the reader, it is something that unfolds on its own like watching a movie, except you're reading not watching.

it is also something very personal, the way you imagine how the characters play out in your head or how they were portrayed. 

it's all in that head of yours, how you imagine it.

and comparing a movie vs book, 1 page of describing the character or scene or how the male holds/embraces the female character is only few seconds in the movie.

it doesn't brings out your imagination as much nor make you anticipate as much when compared to words.

i told bull parts and parcel of the story which i thought was very funny or very sweeet.

and he told me it sounded like a fairy tale.

which means unrealistic la. but to me it's something very aww-able, maybe a fantasy i hope to be in too.

hahhaa.

and me being me, i have a bad habit. 

of wanting to blog after a book because it's just thoughtful much.

like i can't handle those thoughts and feels about what i've just read and just wanna blog it down.

the book that i've just read, the way the guy cares for the girl, it does resembles what i have now.

but of course, the guy in the story is way toooo perfect.

i fell in love with him.

today was the day i finally sat down in the library and just read.

not do work but to read.

it felt so good and it was so enjoyable and i had bull beside me.

i loved it so much i wished i didn't had to finish the book.

nothing to worry, total chiilax with just me myself and the book.

i'm sorry if bull is reading this cos he is so stressed with his exams now but here i am chilling.

but yeaaa.

jiayou la kujikuji.

from the book. there were more quotes than this. but i was too engrossed in the plot to pen the quotes down haha.

"You don't deserve words, you deserve actions."

he said to her when he did something wrong, that he didn't want to apologize, because he didn't want to be forgiven. then he said the above. and i was like WHAOOOOO. amazeballs please.
so simple yet impactful. i might have melted if this happened to me in july? hahahahha.

i like how the male character was non judgemental. it reminds me of bull. because he doesn't judge me.

unlike other people i have come across with, he is the only one who doesn't judge me.

probably the main reason why we are together.

i like the story because they found all the words i couldn't even find to describe anything like that.

and the way they described it, it was so perfect.

i'm sorry i'm going on and on and on about it.

it's just..very me to do such things.

rambling about how good everything was.

i guess we are beginning to miss each other more recently, for whatever reasons.

maybe we got too bored. idk.

but that's good?

i enjoy being missed.
and i think i could do more with him holding me more when kisses me.

kekeke hint hint shyshy.

recent, sudden and random plan to lose weight.

something triggered me apparently.

i can't rmb what.

maybe too many too many people saying that i'm fat.

and i feel really fat myself, like my bulging tummy and my thighs.

and that face that shows everything.

and how tight my pants are.

i just dislike myself now and dislike how i look like and how fat i've got.

it's really quite depressing.

not overweight fat but still i dislike the current me max.

i don't even feel confident or pretty in whatever i wear.

and i hate shorts and pants.

i don't even like dresses or skirts.

everything just feels too small and fitting for my current size.

it sucks totally.

my appetite is huge and i need to do something about it.

i cut down on my food and carbo intake but i get hungry easily.

it's so annoying.

and i can't stand hunger for one thing.

ive been starved too many times to let hunger win ever again.

but i'm on this tough journey to lose weight and fats.

so i suppose have to tank?

there's surely a way to lose weight easy and healthily without starving.

need personal nutritionist come up food plan for me hurhur.

feeling so ever thankful to have one right by my side, providing me with all the insights i need.

i trust him and i trust his advice.

feels good. 

idk if whatever that i'm doing would work.

but just do it.

barely been a week of clean eating, and it takes so damn freaking much effort to NOT touch or eat any fatty fried oily food.

i'm actually quite sick of salad. and have been increasing veg intake that my bowel system is self detoxing daily too.

i'm sorry for bull, because despite the efforts that i take to slim down, he is the one who is most affected.

and because of my dieting, he has to accomodate to it and eat healthily and think about what i can eat when choosing our dinner place.

and i understand how sian it is when you wanna eat something and someone says NO COS ITS FAT. or NO COS I'M DIETING.

it's an utter wet blanket.

i've told him so many no's within this week like no ice cream no cheese tarts even though they look damn good and i can't give in cos i'm really pdd and kennut means kennut.

have to be strict with myself while i'm at it now.

and so i'm very thankful that he supports me on this, even though i didn't explain why this whole random proj weight down starts, but he don't ask either.

he must have known that i must have my own reasons for doing this and would tell him if there's any.

but honestly i don't have any.

maybe i'm just sick of myself looking so fugly.

when i'm determined, nothing shakes me.

unless i lose it myself.

stupid insomnia been engulfing my entire night.

so tired but can't sleep.

isit time of month here soon.

ohya it is leh.

but i'm feeling so lethargic pls lemme sleep.

idw to see 5am again.

it reminds me too much of july.

all the staying up till mornings, sleeping 2/3 hrs for the day.

all the fights.

all the wait, just to speak and to try to salvage and get something out of the r/s, just to keep to his time there.

so foolish is me. 

why even take such great pains and lengths when these staying awake gestures aren't the least appreciated.

rather than appreciating your efforts, he pushes you and your efforts in trying away, leading his very own selfish life there.

stupid is still me.

rolls eyes at myself.

i still hate him for all of these.

hate is a strong word but for all that he has done, i might need a stronger word than that.

and to love and to hate and to stay unforgiven, i didn't knew i had the capability to do these too.

and no, you aren't any close to being forgiven at all.

honestly right now, i don't even cry for him anymore.

i can't even rmb when was the last time i cried for us.

he may find it good, but trust me it isn't. 

my heart is still that rock hard, not wanting to be melted and be fragile at all.

physically we may look fine, internally we aren't at all. thanks to this scar.

when a girl stops crying for you, she doesn't love you that lottle anymore.

and i don't even try to get jealous anymore.

maybe i do but i always tell myself dgaf. 

the more f given, the more i break, the more he finds it ridiculous and wouldn't understand a single f that's in the jealousy sparked.

so to save myself from all these trouble and hurt, idgaf.

it isn't about being stubborn or cruel or anything, it's been hurt to the extend whereby the only way i can continue is being like that.

unless until something has been done to it.

i told myself that once the year is over, that's it.

busted.

but i guess even now, i still hope a little that something is to be done.

and i'm still giving out chances like free money.

if he still dk how to seize the opportunity and get something done, all hopes are lost and i wouldn't expect this to be fixed ever again.

the broken heart will still be that broken 50 years from now.

50 years from now, i will not forget how i was treated on july 2016.

i say it then to myself, and i say it now again.

pieces that i tried so hard for all 30 days to glue back, but he just had to hammer away without giving any thoughts to it.

every single memory of those 30 days, are all stuck inside me. 

till the day he tries something to make up and get them out, this will be me.

have been giving out reminders again and again.

not a single f was given.

it still hurts till this date when i'm brought back to then.

i wince in my mind, in my heart at every thought of it.

and it takes hard efforts to stop thinking and not cry over those times again.

this is the 3rd time i'm changing, since i met him.

not externally, but internally.

one day this heart will be burnt.

insomnia, pls lemme sleep and stop thinking about such shit.