CB

you know how it feels like the day they announced it? 

like a break up.

we dont do well in this and we never do.

and after it happened.

you know how it felt like?

back to UK.

sleepless nights. thrown into darkness. not much appetite. not knowing what to do with life. no motivation. feeling sad everyday. spending bedtime in tears every single night.

it hasn't hit me so badly yet. because I've been trying to look for that glimpse of hope. I got it. and it got robbed away again. I'm back to square one. looking for every possible way to escape and try. but it's all back to zero. if there's a need to risk I would. but there isnt a chance for me to do so.

it's the kinda helplessness. trying to create opportunities and thrown back to none.

but yea. it reminds me alot of UK. too much too painful.

trying to work in our own ways but it always needs two hands to clap. end of the day hopeful becomes hopeless.

and for some reason feelin it very strongly today. I'm so tired.

and I'm so sad. I haven't really spoke about how I truly feel. because I just thought I could mask it behind everything and try my best to make it seem normal. but deep down I feel so strongly. I control my emotions more and more. even if it hurts so bad I dont give in to myself to breakdown. I build barriers i tell myself I'm ok. but its been really suffocating in there but the barriers are too strong to break that there isnt an outlet.

but none of this is even normal. it deprives me of all my rights. 

to be truly grounded. 

today just seems too much feels thinking about everything. how it came crashing down. and how they dont understand what I want at all. how we are forced to take something we dont want to. and just burst all the bubbles.

ration. it wouldnt last at all.

not sustainable at all.

and the thought of extending. its depressing.

cb really cb. 

it robbed away so many so many things. even the basics now.

but maybe it's a sign too. I rmb UK times I lost so much weight. maybe it's a hint too.

life has become meaningless. food has become mundane. nothing sparks joy. nothing is interesting anymore. just going through the motions. till the day it ends. theres no more normality anymore. 

and it is truly heartbreaking.

like forced to break up. 

choose one who stays near you. be with a fam who gives you freedom.

sigh. 委屈无助

nothing under my control. sit and watch it fall apart.

鼻酸泪流.

and also to think of how what was previously discussed, come crashing down to. every single time. what more should I be hoping for.

it's all a facade a lie. 

staying optimistic. but receiving end it's all the negative news.

fail to plan plan to fail.

its disappointing too.

all these true raw emotions I've buried deep never letting them see the light.

but its everything I'm feeling now.

空虚。什么都没有(⊙o⊙)

本以为能拥有的那一点全都没了。

hopeful, hopeless, disappointed.

世界上有比这更惨痛吗?

throat pain.teeth too. lips too. chest too. heart too.

anywhere else?