sense of belonging

there should be a ton of happy things to blog about.
like switch by timbre, like work without bueller.
i felt so happy working alone for some reason.
probably because all attention was on me, and i do not need to get upset or jealous over little stupid things.
and also being appreciated very very much.
and for doing everything successfully on my own even though it was tiring.
but it was really fun.
keeping everything under control.

when things goes out of control, it becomes like today.
today has been a very sad and unjust day for me.
being an emotional wreck, coming close to tears whenever and wherever.
a house should be the comfiest place, safe and secure.
but today it didn't felt that way.
isn't sad?
maybe this is the reason why i chose to stay in my room whole day long.
and also thinking of every viable solution to move away.
but all fails because of the consequences once again that i may need to face if i do run away.
financially non-viable, can't even afford to feed myself.
probably funds will run low in a week,
don't ever challenge me, because i will do it.
that feeling of being unwanted and outcasted in a place where you should be accepted and supported no matter what you do.
that feels so crappy.
and i really just want to escape.
i don't even feel like staying here at all.
all because of 1 incident, which shouldn't even be such a big deal.

cried so hard today till i was gasping for air.
cried so hard that my mucus kept falling from my nose.
cried so much that i kept wiping away my tears.
cried so much that my skin feels so dry now.
cried so badly that the tear didn't even stop falling even after an hour.

truth comes now.
that i can only envy and watch the freedom everyone has from far.
that i will never be able to get something so simple, yet seemingly like a taboo in my life.
that even being rebellious is so hard.
that freedom is so hard to achieve.

question now: continue being good or continue being bad?
either ways, i still get the scolding/get scolded.
then just continue being bad right?
i'm in a world whereby everything and anything i do is wrong.
even i try my hardest to do it right, it is still wrong.
then what's the point of trying.

i need a hug so badly.
this feeling is simply too overwhelming i kennut.
the feeling of all fault that lies within me for chasing after something so simple yet unachievable and for causing all the trouble as though i'm the troublemaker, he feeling of betrayal, the feeling of being the worst while someone else just shed away all the responsibilities and pile it on me.
this is too much to bear.
if only running away was as simple as how drama always shows.
pack a luggage, go to a hotel until the episode where they reconcile.
here feels like hell.

it feels damn unfair and underserving, feels so wronged.
feels like i'm a bad kid, bad in everything.
bad student, bad in everything.
can someone tell me that this is not wrong.
that it isn't wrong to pursue your own freedom and happiness.
i need someone to bring me away, take me away from this hell.
is this 1 incident worst than being les or being suicidal?
really?
is this 1 incident all it takes to put me in the bad light after so many years of being good?
its so shitty i cant even.
do you know the list of things of "do not do" is 10 times longer than the things i can do?
things i can do, a handful.
thing i can't do, millions.
no drinking, no staying out, no overseas trips, no eating in rooms, no sleeping late/in (yes it is a sin too for sleeping till 3pm in the noon or for sleeping at 5am in the morning). and the list goes on and on and on.
do you know how suffocating it is?
it just feels like i'm the terrorist in this household.
i'm bad, i'm a terror. i caused everything. all blame all fault on me.

crying is soo tiring.
my face feels as dry as an old lady, but there isn't any way to keep this sadness away.
it's so so so sad that even after 12 hours, i'm still stuck here wiping away my own tears.
it's tiring to be living here too.
a place without a sense of belonging.