Again the last July

The moment when the sun rises.
When birds starts chirping.
When the roads starts getting nosier.
When it gets really bright behind those supposedly dark curtains.
When you realise you have been up all night.
That actually the night isn't too long when you are lost in sorrow or when you have something to do.

It all brings me back to those horrible times.
And I can't help but to feel sad about it.
As though the wounds were fresh from before.
It's just sad, very sad.
That as I think about it now, at this very moment after staying up for the night reading my book, tears can still form up in my eyes.
No one understands the sorrow of staying up for the entire night, wondering about a million stuff, waiting and waiting, hoping and hoping, trying and trying.
It's too painful I can't belive I'm feeling how I felt then as though the feeling nv left me as though I'm experiencing it all over again and crying all over it again.
For some reason.
Never knew it was this bad.
That I have never gotten over it before.
The time difference.
Hanging on and waiting till morning to meet the time difference there, to try.
To hope. And to try all over again.
Not just once, not just staying up for 1 night, but a lot of them, a lot of nights.
It's all too familiar.
This sorrowful me, this sunrise, this room, this bed.
This phone.
Every single thing.
It's as good as new, it still feels like it was just ytd.

Same as before, telling myself not to cry, to stop crying.
To get some sleep.
But your brain just can't.
For some reason I'm reset to laat July.
It sucks too much.
Reminded of every single shitty thing I've been through.
No its honestly still too painful.
It hurts way too much.
All these while they haven't gone away at all.
Once again how.
How am I supoose to get over it.
And when will tears stop rolling for 1 horrible month of hell.

I need to get some sleep.
I need to stop thinking.
This is exactly the same as then.
Ouch. I cnt.
It really is a little too much to bear.
The exact same setting.
Not again. 

The feeling of a heavy head.
Tired eyes.
Weak body from the night.
But still trying to stay awake.
Telling your body to hang on.
With a heavy heart.
With a wet handkerchief.
It's so terrible.
The extreme environment I've put myself through, physically and mentally.
I deserve better than this you know?
It really isn't demanding or unreasonable to ask for make up day.
And honestly do you really think one make up day and make up for all of these I've put myself through?
It feels like a few years might then be sufficient to make up for all these damage and hurt induced physically and mentally.
Sighh.
Till today I still dk why I put myself through such shit, and treat myself this bad.
我值得被珍惜...)':

Opening and reopening the post.
Locking and unlocking my phone.
Reposting my post each and very time after I posted because I had more thoughts to pen down.
Let's go and sleeep.
It's 8am.
Night shift for no reason.
Too silly really.
Knowing you will wake up with eye bags swollen eyes and panda eyes.
Knowing it all too well.

But I know I'm sad.
Disappointed.
Upset.
To be reminded of everything and me the last July. 
All over again.
It really feels like it was only ytd.
And I've never ever walked out of it, I must have deluded myself to it.
Being reminded of this sentence: I can't lead a UK life and adapt to a sg life.
I guess that's the worst sentence a guy can ever say to a girl.
It simply means, that I'm giving up on you now that I have a brand new life that I don't even want to give a fuck on trying.
This sentence alone, have torn me apart a million times. It has been stuck on my head since the day it was said. And it's been stuck in my heart like a knife being stabbed right there too.
Sad isn't?

I wished every single thing wasn't that crystal clear but it is.
Those pictures.
Those conversations.
Each and every single memory.
I can't get rid of them.
They stay in my mind and heart and every part of me.
I really need to sleep.
I'm so tired.
I don't understand why I'm in the same old plight again.
Bt just lemme ko okay?