Less hope

This is the first time I allowed myself to cry after UK.
As much as I tried stopping the tears from escaping, they managed to find a way out of my lids.

Was brought back to those days before UK.
Where he loved me so much.
And when I thought nothing would break us.
And when I thought he was the right one.

Where I was so upset and afraid of being alone, that I cried when he napped, and he had to wake up from his nap to find out that I've been crying over the past few minutes.
I sensed his urgency in wanting an explanation.
But I found none but kept on sobbing.
Then finally managed to explain in btw my sobs that I was afraid of being alone this huge house and that he'll be gone in a few hours.
He comforted me and hugged me in his chest.
And I did felt comforting.
I cried even harder when he was about to leave and all the more he couldn't leave.
We stayed in the couch for longer but I couldn't stop but he had to leave.
He told me to be strong. But I know I couldn't.
And so he left but I will nv forget this night where he didn't left me when I feared being alone.

It's funny how things are classified now as before and after UK.
And as much as I dislike it, I don't think I'm left with much choice since the mental scar was left there since it appeared there.
Then I rmb him before leaving for UK.
I really didn't knew I could cry this much.
Before the month, during obs and on that day itself.
Everytime we had private time on our own the idea of him leaving that night just saddens me alot.
And there wasn't anything I could do to face anything with more positivity or stop dwelling or crying about it.
He didn't understand that it wasn't a sim card that matters.
It was the time difference and the time spent away that mattered.
And guy being guy, he only realised it when he was there.
How difficult it was. When it was all I've been going on for the longest period of time before he even left.
I rmb laying on his bed.
He teared, I cried.
We held onto one another.
I rmb at the airport.
Where I broke down like a mad woman.
Watching him leave me behind.
And it seemed like he left everything behind the second he walked through those doors with his back facing me.
The second where we didn't knew what lied ahead of us.

Then I rmb during the month.
Of all those crying.
As though anything wasn't enough.
As though obs, leaving for that and all wasn't enough.
The tears went on.
And on.
But this time round disappointment, anguish and everything else added on to these tears.
As though I haven't been trying hard enough.
He only realised it after he got back.
No girl will wait foolishly after having her heart broken like that.
You're a fool and too naive to think that one would be waiting for you, and to even expect a pick up at the airport.
All those mornings spent awake.
Moments like now.
Soaked in tears.
Idk how many days or weeks have I gone through that.
In hope, trying.
Nothing works when he refuses to budge.

Then and now.
Hoping for something to fix these scars.
But nothing has been fixed.
I've mentioned it so many times.
I might just give up on it.
It breaks my heart now.
That after all these.
I'm still here trying.
After these changes.
Before after during.
I still let myself break down over a hopeless guy who does nothing to fix these scars.
Do I need to walk away again?
He hasn't realised that I haven't fully return to him yet.
There is part of my heart that doesn't belong to him right now.
Because that was the part he tore away and threw it somewhere.
And when it takes him to realise that, there might be another block before we know it.
There's no how, there's no when.
You break it this bad, you fix it.
If you knew how to break it and tear it away, you should know how to fix and place it back.
If you think that coming up with an event fixes it then do it.
If you think that appearing at her door with a bouquet then do it.
If you think that making an art or craft will work then do it.
If you think that you being on knees begging for forgiveness and fixing it then do it.
If you think writing a journal of what you have done or a reflection fixes it then do it.
If you think it requires all above to fix it then do it.
the main point is, DO IT.
Do SOMETHING.
not NOTHING.
But if you think it's lottle effort required in fixing, it definitely is not.
It requires some form of contributing your own emotions heartfelt moments or words.
I think I meant sincerity. It takes effort and sincerity combined together.
And I guess what I really meant by everything and all above was, actions not words.
Words are cheap.
Sai nai, please, endearment, it doesn't work on me and it doesn't fix me a single bit when it comes tor hurt.
Accepting the ring doesn't mean forgiveness or fixing a broken heart.
That was something we agreed on, was something I was supoosed to received before anything.
That alone doesn't make up for anything.
And none of this is being ridiculous because this is the least I deserved.
to be made up to, fixed and loved for what I am and shit I've been through in the form of action, sincerity and effort.
Definitely not dirt cheap talks.
Accepting it because it was mine to begin with accepting it because I was happy to finally have it but it doesn't reduce any of the scars.

The more I wait, the more it makes me want to walk away and stop trying.
And give up hope completely.
And when I give up hope completely. I give up completely. Not leaving any trace of hope behind.
because someone isn't worth a single part of me when they don't try to fix what they broke.

I must thank him for that.
Because this has been the countless time I've cried over UK again.
Or us.
Living in disappointment day after day, till the day i start beating and loving him as a whole.
It takes alot to not feel the disappointment, and to continue loving someone as hopeless.