fat fat fat

broke above post and this into 2.
it would too long for a post again if i were to lump them together.
and i'm tired so i shall continue someday. ^.^

its a rainy night.
just got back from his house not long ago.
its 25 degrees now.
it was so cold.
that i felt like i could blow smoke out of my mouth.
feeling the need to wrap my quilt around me and hold a cup of warm drink.
for once i wished they could turn off all the fans and air cons in public.

this night got me slightly down despite having a usual good time over at his place.
because of old memories.
pictures of a slimmer me. and it does feels depressing to be fatter now even though some sad it was good, but majority noticed it and it was bad?
and despite attempts of trying to lose weight, i still look fatter?
really?
that's very demotivating.
when i tried my might to not take sweet/salty/oily stuff.
and cut down cal & carbs intake. not even touching chicken thigh. removing the fried fish skin, taking all the lean green shitty stuff.
and make it a point to exercise in a week.
and ate so much veg and fruits and detox so much wondering if my body could take in more fibre or wondering if my body is having an overdose of fibre.
and i still look fatter?
no wonder ppl get aneroxia nervosa.
the reason why i got fatter was because of the last hospitalisation incident.
where i told myself i will nv let myself starve ever again.
they dk how sucky it was for the whole 2-3 weeks, surviving on nothing but porridge and other extremely light meals.
but seems like here i am again, despite efforts to slim down, i feel constantly hungry.
that doesn't make me feel very good. my current figure doesn't make me feel good either.
nothing about this feels good at all.
it sucks completely.
it only got better when there were some variation in my diet but now it feels like i'm back to point zero after hearing that ytd.
it doesn't feel good to hear so many ppl or watch so many ppl notice the gain.
at first it was okay, i wasn't too bothered by it.
now it isn't ok at all, it feels sensitive and devastating to hear it.
it breaks me, my ego and my pride.

somebody who managed to slim down supeer duper a lot posted: "your mind will quite a thousand times before your body will. feel the fear and do it anyway cos it's worth it.
dedication, will power and sacrifice beyond temptation."
so well said. i've only started this for few weeks. barely a month.
and there were so many times i was like fuck this shit why do i even bother torturing myself.
but we continued.
and yes, it takes so much dedication and will power and sacrifices that you can never ever imagine.
it's FOOD for christsake.
food has lacked it's meaning since weight lost proj began.
everytime i wanna try something or give myself some leeway, my mind tells me no.
even when i'm starving.
even when the meal wasn't even full at all.
太痛苦了吧
i should just take pills, or those pre pack diet meals.
ohgod.

the second part of old memories.
old photos.
old us.
green us.
i could maatch those faces to past convos and memories, and they always bring back bittersweet emotions.
and as usual, it made me question as always.

"You were careless with her love, her time, and worst of all, her heart. You grew complacent with her. You left her starving, emotionally, and fed her sparingly. You forgot that love must be maintained and tended to every single day, not sporadically."

what else can i say when this is what this was what it meant when i felt it.
to be starved emotionally and fed sparingly, it felt worst than a dog.

"You forgot that you have to love her when you’re tired. You forgot that you have to love her when you had a bad day. You forgot that you have to love her when you’re angry. You forgot that you have to love her when she’s angry. You forgot that you have to love her when it’s difficult to love her."

you forgot to treat her like your princess, like the girl you were afraid to lose because of your friends. you forgot about everything once you went away.
most importantly, you forgot about us.

and at the end of this article i read, it said: this is how you lose her.

"I turn off the phone because that's the last text I want to receive for that night."

hehehe. from the book. this was sweeet. 

"That’s how it is when a person develops an attraction toward someone. He’s nowhere, then suddenly he’s everywhere, whether you want him to be or not"

i totally agreee with this. occupying each and every part of your mind heart and soul.